Tis the Season

I live in a very small, generous town.  During the holidays a group of people get together and gather food donations to give to families in need so Thanksgiving and Christmas aren’t a burden on the local poor.

Three years ago, just after I got my dog Maggie from the shelter, I put her in the yard and a few minutes later I realized she was gone.  Not wasting time with real clothes, I went looking for her in my pajama pants, a ratty old sweatshirt and my hair in a tangle.  As I was walking down the road yelling for Maggie, a truck pulled up beside me and someone yelled, “Do you want a Christmas basket of food?”

I turned around to see a pastor from one of the churches and his wife.  He was a little embarrassed and before he could stop the words from coming out of his mouth, he said, “Oh Glory.  I thought you were a homeless person.” 


This morning, knowing I had a bunch of stuff to do before I left for church, I got up earlier than my usual 15 minutes before I had to be there.  I threw my church clothes in the dryer to remove the dog hair, herded Miss Duck outside to her yard, put the dogs out to potty, brushed my teeth, re-pony tailed my hair, brought the dogs back in and got dressed. 

I was so proud of myself that I didn’t screech into the church parking lot on two wheels nor was I covered in dog hair.  As Mass began I sort of patted myself on the back for being somewhat organized for a change.

After church I went home and started a fire in the wood stove.  When I stood up from my log seat, the log was snagged on my underwear. 

What?!  How is that possible?  Log, pants, underwear.  There’s a barrier between my undies and the log. 

I reached around and felt my backside and to my horror the entire right cheek was missing.  On the plus side, at least I was wearing underwear; on the great big minus side, everyone in church saw them.  For fuck sake.  How in the hell did I miss something like that?  It’s right around zero here; there should have been a breeze.

Closer examination revealed holes everywhere.  Either Halo or a gigantic moth ate holes in my church pants.  My money’s on Halo. 

Maybe I’ll get one of those homeless Christmas baskets again this year.


3 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. DarcsFalcon
    Dec 13, 2009 @ 23:49:34

    That just cracks me up that you were flashing the folks in church and didn’t even know. I mean that’s just funny!

    On the other hand, I really am sorry about your pants. That sucks. But think of all the smiles you brought to people – maybe that will cheer you up some over losing your pants. 😀

    There’s always a silver lining, right? In this case it was a midnight blue satiny lining, but still…


  2. DarcKnyt
    Dec 14, 2009 @ 11:00:50

    Oh. My. GOD!

    I’m pretty sure Catholicism has mooning in church listed as cause for excommunication, just so you know. The Pope’s gonna hear about this; at this moment the priest of your parish has notified the Monsignor who’s notified the Bishop of the archdiocese who’s notifying the Cardinal, and he’s booking a flight to Rome.

    Right now.

    You’re SOOOO going to hell for this. Or if you’re lucky and catch some leniency, purgatory.

    But all kidding aside:


    That’s an awesome story, Holls. Great stuff; thanks for the smile this morning.

    On the plus side, maybe I’ll get a free trip to Rome and I did list meeting the Pope as one of my life goals. But a really good confession will negate all of that. Ha.

    I’m glad I could amuse you. Hang around, I do this kind of stuff all. the. time.


  3. Kate
    Dec 14, 2009 @ 21:05:04

    That is so-o funny. But seriously, folks mightn’t have noticed, they might have been praying.

    Thanks for the reassurance. I’m praying that they were praying.

    BTW I have one dog and four cats. The cats think they’re alpha to the dog (cocker spaniel cross) but she knows better, after all she gets to go in the car and for walks to the park.

    Cats are evil manipulators. Right now they could be ruining your little dog’s self esteem. I wouldn’t leave her alone with them, especially if they are Siamese. 🙂


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