An Undergarment Rant

Why is it so damned hard to buy a bra and underwear?  Why does this simple task turn into a 2 hour ordeal?  

Guys have three selections of undergarments:  boxers, briefs and boxer briefs.  They come in cotton for everyday comfort, flannel to keep the family jewels warm or silk for the feminine experience of having a wad of fabric up your butt.

Statistics say most women are wearing the wrong size bra.  To hell with that.  I’d just like to find one that doesn’t feel like it’s strung together with razor wire.  What the hell do they sew these up with anyway?

And the choices.  There are demis, full cut, push up, front closure, back closure, front adjusters, back adjusters, underwire, T-back, crisscross to lift and separate (not sure what that means), padded, lightly padded, not padded at all, lace, cotton, silk, micro-fiber.  Most baffling to me are the ones with the seams running right across your nipples.  Who buys that shit?

Then there’s underwear.  Hi-cut, bikini, boy briefs, rear scoop, gentle support, full support, granny (those are the ones you can tuck into your bra) and they come in cotton, satin, micro-fiber and lace.  LACE?  Who the hell wants lace abrading their lady parts?

Don’t even get me started on thongs or g-strings or whatever the hell you want to call them.  They aren’t underwear; they are yeast infections waiting to happen.  Bacteria move is all I’m saying.

So after 2 hours of blankly staring at all the choices of underwear, say you’ve decided on a pack of size 7 hi-cut cotton in pink, yellow and orange. 

That isn’t want you get home with.  Oh no. 

Somewhere between placing the selected pack of underpants in your cart and opening said pack at home, they’ve morphed into size 6 rear scoop satin in puke green, white, and brown.  Since you shelled out ten bucks you are forced to wear the bastards and are destined to spend your days alternately picking them out of your crack and worrying about how much butt cleavage you’re showing off.

Women’s undergarments aren’t cheap and butt cleavage isn’t attractive.

This shit pisses me off.


10 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. whatigotsofar
    Dec 30, 2009 @ 05:05:02

    Always baffles me as to why women wear undergarments at all. Well, at least attractive women. Ugly women can never wear enough clothing. But undergarments are just one more barrier for men to cross.

    I am bra-less as often as possible and since I’m a comfortable A cup it isn’t a problem. However, there is a pesky clause in our employee handbook which states that the ladies must wear bras. I hate ’em.


    • whatigotsofar
      Dec 31, 2009 @ 05:26:09

      does the handbook say the bra must be worn on the chest, or could it be worn like a hat?

      HAHA! Good thinking. It doesn’t specify where it must be worn.


  2. DarcKnyt
    Dec 30, 2009 @ 12:17:35

    I guess this is why my wife hasn’t bought any of the stuff since 1997. She never wears it — which I, of course, appreciate — but then, we’re fat and unattractive to anyone but each other and who’d look, even if we went out bare-assed?

    Being attractive to each other is all that matters. I always say if you don’t like the way I dress, don’t look at me.

    But if the garment you paid for ain’t whatcha got, I don’t know why you can’t take it back if it ain’t been worn yet. I’d definitely want the right SIZE if not the right STYLE.

    No returns on undies and for that I’m glad. I wouldn’t want to wear someone’s returns.


  3. DarcsFalcon
    Dec 30, 2009 @ 13:16:48

    I’d take them back.

    Then we can shoot Titzslinger or whoever it was that invented the bra, and the guy who invented ladies panties. You know it was a guy, too. Only a man would think up something so tortuous for women.

    I think men invented corsets and a woman invented a bra as a more comfortable alternative. Imagine if we were still wearing corsets. I’d kill someone.


    • whatigotsofar
      Dec 30, 2009 @ 15:39:45

      WHy would a man invent something that obscures breasts?

      Because men used to be ashamed of breasts and the power the lovely things had over them. Many cultures still don’t let their women show any skin because of the evil it might make men do. Who’s problem is that?


      • DarcsFalcon
        Dec 30, 2009 @ 16:09:17

        It doesn’t “obscure” breasts. It pushes them up and out and emphasizes them in ways that aren’t natural, and therefore uncomfortable in the extreme. Imagine wearing a codpiece that kept your winky and cods in a “lifted and separated” position all day long.

        HAHAHAHA! Good one.


  4. DarcsFalcon
    Dec 30, 2009 @ 17:08:20

    And breasts weren’t meant to defy gravity.

    Sadly, even my itty bitties have seen the ravages of gravity. And again, if ya don’t like my sagging itty bitties, don’t look at ’em.


  5. Emily Whatson
    Feb 19, 2010 @ 15:15:08

    Thanks a lot for this great post, it has been very useful for my site, be sure to check it out and keep up the good work!

    Emily ~ Corset news and info

    Thanks for stopping by, however, a corset is something I can’t ever see myself in.


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