From the ‘This Shit only Happens to Me’ File

Years ago I did the reservations for a major resort in Belize.  One of my perks was an annual all-expenses-paid trip to the the resort.  Since you can dress me up, but you can’t take me out, this was a diaster waiting to happen.

My lodging for that trip was a top floor room in one of the newly completed villas.  It was beautiful.  Tile floors, glass block shower, thatched roof, private veranda, kitchenette and air conditioning.

By the end of my first day there, I discovered I hate crabs.  The little bastards scare the crap out of me.  They walk sideways, hiss, and pinch their claws at whatever they deem a threat.  In this case, it was me.  I’ve encountered rattlesnakes that were less hostile.  It wasn’t like I was eyeballing them as potential meal either; I was just trying to get from point A to point B. 

Somewhere around my third night at the resort, I got up towards dawn to use the restroom.  I didn’t bother turning on the light or putting on my glasses since I’m quite adept at peeing in the dark with my eyes closed.  As soon as I sat down I heard a hissing coming from the shower so I finished my business, went back to the bedroom, got my glasses and turned on the lights.  In the shower was the biggest, most pissed off crab I’ve ever seen.

My first impulse (good thing I had already used the toilet or it would have been my second impulse) was to go back to bed and let the maid deal with it in the morning since she had most likely put it there to begin with.  Obviously, I had pissed off the help and I made a mental note to leave an extra five dollars in the tip jar.  But then I realized there wasn’t a door on the bathroom and the shower only had a small step to contain the angry beast.  I didn’t want to find the little bastard in bed with me.

I mustered all my courage and threw a towel over the crab, carried it to the bottom of the stairs and flung it out on the sand.  I did all of this without screaming once.  Then I went back up the stairs to find my door locked.

I was in a t-shirt.

I was wearing panties.

I was fucked.

So I sat on my veranda and watched the sun come up.  I figured I could flag the manager down when he walked to the office and he could unlock my door.  I misjudged how far away I was from the main part of the resort.  I could see people walking to and from the office, but they couldn’t hear my cries for help. 

Finally at around 9am, just when all the guests were meandering to the restaurant, I made a nearly nude dash for the office.  I convinced myself that panties were no different from a bikini bottom.  Judging from the looks I got, no one else agreed with me.

I never know why this kind of shit happens to me.  When it does, all I can do is shake my head and ask, “WTF?”  Good thing I don’t embarrass easily or I’d never leave my house.


6 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. DarcsFalcon
    Feb 04, 2010 @ 16:44:02

    Oh my gosh! You poor thing! You sound sort of like me and Darc – if it wasn’t for bad luck, we wouldn’t have any at all.

    It seems to be the way it goes.

    Next time you see a crab though, you can tell him thanks, from me, his relative was delicious. 😀

    The only crab I ever plan on seeing again is the one on my plate accompanied by butter.


  2. whatigotsofar
    Feb 04, 2010 @ 16:54:50

    That’s where the crab up your ass came from.

    Yep. All the crab talk over at your place reminded me of this story.


  3. Sherri
    Feb 04, 2010 @ 17:28:15

    Ha! That sounds like dreams I’ve had or a scene from a movie! Funny.

    It is only funny in retrospect. Or if it happens to someone else.


  4. Kate
    Feb 04, 2010 @ 21:48:25

    Well at least you were wearing something.
    The resort looks nice.

    Aww…You’re a ‘silver lining’ sort of person, aren’t you?

    The resort looks much different now than when I worked for them. It was nice, but now it’s gone very high dollar.


  5. Kate
    Feb 04, 2010 @ 22:00:39

    Back again. Was going to say that some years ago there was a TV ad featuring a brand of underwear sold by Elle McPherson. In the ad she’s locked out of her room wearing nothing but the underwear. Only of course she’s rescued by the handsome hunk.
    Assume that this resort does crabs but not handsome hunks.

    Yeah, and I don’t look like Elle McPherson. It was traumatic for everyone involved, even the crab.


  6. Chantelle
    Apr 29, 2011 @ 16:48:22

    Don’t feel bad, the same type of thing happens to me all the time. The other day at Ross I was trying to shimmy my fat ass into jeans and I somehow managed to knock the door open and fall into the aisle, pants around my thighs in front of a bunch of other women.
    I just nodded at them, finished pulling up my pants, and went back into the dressing room stall.
    On the plus side, the jeans looked really good on me. 🙂

    Well, at least it was women and not a bunch of hot guys. 🙂


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