The Top 7 Worst Country Songs this Winter

I have developed a strong hatred and loathing for country music this winter. All we can play at the restaurant are three different country stations, which range from bad to claw my eyeballs out and cram them in my ears so I can’t hear this shit anymore. Being at the restaurant for up to 10 hours a day and hearing this crap is going to drive me insane.

It is better than last winter when we were forced to listen to blue grass. I listened to that frantic, twanging, banjo picking at my brain noise for about a month before I threatened to re-enact a scene from ‘Deliverance’ on somebody. They all laughed. Yeah well, when I tell you that you have a pretty mouth and make you squeal like a pig you won’t think I’m funny.

Who writes this shit that’s being passed off as music? And why do they insist on holding on to the redneck image? I would think all those jokes about sleeping with your sister would make you strive for a classier persona. Even rap stars talk about drinking fine alcohol and sleeping with ‘hos (who aren’t their sisters), but country singers are stuck on that ‘aw shucks, I’m just a hick and don’t know any better’ attitude. This might be why country ‘folk’ are perceived as having low IQs…it’s one thing to be a hick; it’s quite another to know you’re one, yet do nothing about it.

The top offenders on my recent list are:

7. Conway Twitty: Tiger in Tight Fittin’ Jeans–Shoot me now. Nothing is more vomit-inducing than an over the hill (now dead) man singing about an over the hill woman being a ‘tiger in tight fittin’ jeans’. Oh wait! The same man singing about the same woman enjoying a one night stand IS more vomit-inducing.

6. Taylor Swift: Teardrops on my Guitar, Fifteen–Yes, she’s cute. No, she hasn’t crashed and burned like other teen idols. Yet. But seriously, what is with the whining? If one of my kids asked for something in that same whining voice as she has on ‘Fifteen’, I would have sent them to their room without dinner. That shit is annoying. Put on your big girl voice or get off the stage.

5. Sugarland: Everything–That woman’s voice is like razor blades on my eardrums. She makes me want to punch kittens.

4. Trailer Choir: Rockin’ the Beer Gut–Based on the title, do you think this song gets any smarter? Beer guts aren’t sexy on men or women and every time this song comes on I feel my IQ dropping and a little drool falls out of my mouth.

3. Josh Thompson: Beer on the Table–If you are happy with a job which pays enough to put beer on the table, you are seriously unmotivated and probably have a disgusting beer gut. Annoying shit.

2. Fast Ryde: That Thang–This piece of shit gets in my head and all I can hear is “Thang, thang, thang. Thang, thang, thang.’ for roughly 5 minutes. It’s about a woman’s ass. F-me. That’s real creative. Misspelling their name is even more clever. They should be shot.

1. Trace Adkins: Ala-Freaking-Bama–What do you think this song is about? What do you think Mr. Adkins shouts about a zillion times before my head explodes? How many times do you think I hear this per day?

Shorter hours and more noisy diners better get here soon before I flat wig out.

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5 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Sherri
    Mar 12, 2010 @ 09:47:39

    Oh my gosh, Sugarland is the awfulest. Taylor Swift I love despite the whining, but Sugarland…blech.

    I like Taylor Swift’s happy songs, but it’s the whining, overplayed ones which make me want to hurt someone.

    Reply

  2. DarcKnyt
    Mar 12, 2010 @ 12:34:59

    I don’t know from country so I can’t comment. What I do hear occasionally I enjoy, though, so I also can’t relate. But when it’s too twangy and whiny and rednecky, then yeah, it’s irritating. And the same can be said in similar terms of hip-hop (ARRGH!), rap (gimme a f**king break, that’s NOT music), heavy metal (more like SHEET metal, frankly), and almost everything but classical.

    Which is why I stick with classical. πŸ™‚

    It all gets old if you’re forced to listen to it for hours on end. Classical is always a good choice.

    Reply

  3. DarcsFalcon
    Mar 12, 2010 @ 13:42:58

    Now is the time for my favorite country music joke:

    What do you get when you mix country with rap?

    CRAP!

    That would be my worst nightmare.

    I don’t listen to country so almost all of those names are unknown to me, and I guess I’m pretty thankful! πŸ˜€

    Yes you are.

    Reply

  4. Kate
    Mar 12, 2010 @ 15:48:21

    I’m bookmarking this page! That is so spot on, they do whine, and as for the subject matter…
    Very early country music is quite different, pity it went so far away from its roots.

    I think current country music is trying to be hip while still being ‘aw shucks’. It isn’t working. I like 90s country music–George Strait, Garth Brooks, Reba–but the current crop drives me nuts.

    Reply

    • Sparty Girl
      Mar 13, 2010 @ 16:47:56

      I couldn’t agree more. I listened to country in the 90’s, and even went to a Garth Brooks concert. It’s gone WAY down hill since. If you could get them to tune in some Texas Swing it might not be so bad: George Strait, Asleep at the Wheel, Bob Wills. They sing about cowboys and not so much of the crying’ in my beer crap. Good luck.

      Soon it will be summer and the customers will cover the music. It will be heaven. All I ever hear in the summer is ‘cha-ching’

      Reply

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