The Reason I’m Warped

Funny

I’m warped.  There is no doubt about it.  For this, you can thank my mother.  I’m sure there was a time when I was a normal little kid, but I sure don’t remember it.

Here are two examples of the messed up stuff my mom has done to me:

When I was in high school I was sitting in class one afternoon, minding my own business when I realized there was something in my coat pocket.  A tuna sandwich.  I blurted out, “What the HELL?!” which got the attention of my classmates and teacher, who laughed at me.  A freaking tuna sandwich.  In my coat pocket.  Who does that shit?  My mother, apparently.  She thought I might be hungry later in the day so she packed a snack.  Tuna and mayonaise.  I walked around all afternoon smelling like warm tuna…not a good smell for a girl.  She was trying to either embarrass or kill me and to this day I’m not sure which it was.

A few years ago she invited me to go horseback riding with her.  I quit riding horses back when I was about 14 years old.  A crushed skull (“quit whining and go take a nap”), a torn up knee and a multitude of scars were enough to convince me that horses are eating, breathing, shitting death machines. 

We went for a short little ride around my parent’s ranch and she asked if I wanted to ride out and see Duster, the first colt my parents had.  I said I would be delighted to see him since I hadn’t seen him in years. 

We rode over to a little creek and she said, “There he is.”  I looked along the creek, up the hill, in the pasture and didn’t see a horse.  Then my eyes fell on a pile of bones by the creek. 

 “MOTHER!  WHAT THE F?!  SERIOUSLY.  WHAT THE F?!” 

“I thought you knew he was dead.” 

“Apparently NOT.”

Well, THAT ride was over.

Whenever people tell me I’m strange I refer them to my mother.  It’s all her fault.

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8 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Sherri
    Mar 24, 2010 @ 14:10:42

    I blame my mother too.

    I’m sure my children will write a similar post before long.

    Reply

  2. blogmella
    Mar 24, 2010 @ 14:39:43

    Hahaha! Are you familiar with this Philip Larkin poem?

    Hahaha! I’m not much for poetry, but that’s a good one.

    Reply

  3. Kate
    Mar 24, 2010 @ 16:40:18

    We all blame our mothers. 🙂 I’m waiting to see what I’m going to get blamed for.

    Recently my kids were telling me a story about the time they accidently got locked out of the house and my son pooped his pants. It made me cry thinking I was a horrible parent, but they thought it was funny as hell. We all view things differently I guess.

    The horse one is definitely in the bizarre category though.

    She said she thought I knew he was dead, but I don’t believe her. I think she had an evil chuckle all the way back to the house.

    I had a few riding lessons when I was young but the ‘gentle’ nags they put me on were very good at spotting low slung tree branches and take off like they had burrs under the saddle. I got the message, but I do like horses still, even the way they smell.

    I like horses as long as I’m on the ground walking beside them. I don’t think they want my fat ass on them and I can’t afford a trip to the hospital.

    And yeah, I think most of us have figured that you’re weird. 😀

    Hahaha!

    Reply

  4. DarcKnyt
    Mar 24, 2010 @ 23:30:35

    It would be funny if it weren’t so true. I have to admit, my mother’s to blame for a lot, and what she’s not to blame for, my father is by reason of being a wimp who let her get away with everything she did. Not a lot of it was good.

    As a grown-up the only response to such things I got was, “We did the best we could.” That was your BEST? Holy crap, you should’ve been spayed and neutered WAY before you had the chance to breed.

    I had some issues with my mom and some days she annoys the crap out of me, but I’m at a place where I remember the funny thing she did while I was growing up.

    I also wonder what I will be blamed for — and how much will be accurate. More than I care to admit, I bet.

    We all get blamed sooner or later. 😦

    Reply

  5. Catherine
    Mar 25, 2010 @ 00:09:29

    I used to blame my mum for how I turned out but I don’t now after reading about your mum!! The worst embarrassment I remember her causing me was when she rung my school to ask them if I was wearing knickers. I was mortified when the teacher asked me in front of my classmates.

    HAHAHAHA! That is way more embarrassing than anything my mom did.

    Reply

  6. DarcsFalcon
    Mar 25, 2010 @ 00:36:46

    Yeah, your mother was warped, no question! That’s just weird bout the horse bones. Why would you want to see that, even if you had known he was dead? *shaking head*

    I have no idea what she was thinking. Maybe we were going to pay our respects or something. I don’t know.

    Reply

  7. whatigotsofar
    Mar 25, 2010 @ 03:55:00

    The dead horse was just left there. Not even buried or anything. Just there.

    It’s a big ranch. Around here big, dead animals aren’t buried. At best they are hauled to a dead animal pit on the ranch, but if they are a long ways away from the pit, they are left in the field.

    Reply

    • whatigotsofar
      Mar 25, 2010 @ 14:59:01

      Let me tell you a story. Many years ago, (probably around the 1970s) a traveling circus was coming through Toronto. While in Toronto, an elephant died. The circus had to dispose of the body somehow. They found this guy who had a little private dump just north of Toronto. So this guy buried the elephant in his little dump.
      This guy that buried the elephant was a pretty shady character as well. He’d dump anything and for cheap too. In the 1980s, he sold the land and left town. When I say left town, he left. He went to a country that Canada doesn’t have an extradition treaty pact. The land was purchased by the town of Richmond Hill to be used as a school and ice rink.
      When the town started excavating the dirt to build the school and rink, they found horribly decayed bones. They thought it was a mammoth. So construction stalled so that the bones could be analyzed by archaeologists or some other sort of museum folk. Turns out it was an elephant that had been buried in dirt contaminated with car battery acid. This guy had been dumping car batteries and all other sorts of undumpable products in the dump. Every bit of earth had to be excavated and replaced with non-toxic dirt before construction of the buildings could commence.

      I learned to skate in Elvis Stojko Arena, built on that land.

      HAHA! That is a great story!

      Reply

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