Just Like a Bad Weed…

Nine years ago this month a man I loved very much left me and went back to his wife.  Yes, I had an affair with a married man, something I’m not proud of at all.  It took me two years to get over the mess, the hurt, and the guilt.  Not only was I hurt, but I hurt his family.  His departure hurt my kids.  I lost the respect of friends and family because I lied to them while he and I were together.  It was a devastating, selfish thing we did.

A few months ago I was on my way to a table and was very nearly there (I needed new glasses) when I realized it was this man and his wife.  I detoured and gave them to Amanda.  I was quite happy that he could be in the restaurant and I didn’t care.  I didn’t feel like throwing up, bawling, chain smoking, or getting in my car and driving home.  The next week his wife came in for lunch and I gave her to Dani.  Hellooo…I’m not waiting on either of you.   

So imagine my disappointment tonight when I came home and found he had left a comment on one of my posts.  Tonight I DO feel like throwing up, bawling, chain smoking and driving somewhere far, far away.  My friend Midas is out in the middle of Nowhere, Wyoming without internet or cell service.  That sounds like a good place right now. 

I write this blog for fun and as sort of a diary to a small audience.  Now I feel that someone I didn’t want in my life has violated my privacy.  I don’t want to entertain him.  I don’t want him knowing what is going on in my life.  I don’t want him knowing where I live.  It makes me sick to think I shared my vacation details with him.  And what else?  What the hell else have I written in the last year that he now knows?  What will I write in the future knowing he is reading it?  Will I be more obnoxious (is that possible?) or will I censor myself? 

Why can’t he just leave me alone?


10 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. blogmella
    Apr 18, 2010 @ 01:57:32

    Oh shit, that’s horrible. I’m sorry he keeps popping up, especially here. He sounds like a creep anyway, bringing his wife to your place of work. What a thoughtless twat.

    I left my husband and he didn’t seem too bothered to be honest – but he DID keep making remarks to my kid about things he’d read in my journal (at LiveJournal). Then he just happened to send me a message via Facebook (instead of phoning, emailing, or texting?) . I hadn’t told him I was on Facebook, so I suppose he was letting me know he could find me.

    Eventually I abandoned my LJ journal (with a Friends list of around 800 people, at the time) and came here. I wanted to write somewhere he couldn’t read me and I didn’t want to go “Friends Only” as that didn’t match the reason I’d started blogging. I locked down my Facebook hard and since he was never added, he can’t see any of it now.

    I’m sorry you feel so violated. I suppose you could tell him you don’t appreciate him turning up everywhere and you’re starting to consider telling the police? If he knows he is bothering you, he should STOP at that. Tell him you are keeping a diary of his creepy behaviour.

    I’ve tried telling him, yet every few years he pops up again. I’ve told his wife. I’ve been more than blunt with him. I don’t need that shit in my life again. I’m in a good place and I want to stay there.


  2. DarcsFalcon
    Apr 18, 2010 @ 01:59:08

    Well, you could change your privacy settings – dashboard-settings-privacy. Or, you could keep him from being able to comment on the blacklist – dashboard-settings-discussion. You could email respond and tell him not to contact you anymore. Or you could ignore him. And believe you me, I don’t think I could do that one.

    I thought there was a setting here that could block certain email addresses, but when I looked I couldn’t find it. Maybe it’s on facebook. But I still know he’s found me and is reading and I can’t decide whether to stop blogging or just forget it and continue on my merry way.

    In the meantime, I’ll be praying that you find the strength you need to keep from throwing up, and for knowing how you want to handle this. *hugs*

    I still feel like throwing up and thanks for the cyberhugs. Sometimes those are the best.


  3. Heif
    Apr 18, 2010 @ 05:16:16

    Why do we always want something we can’t/should have? And why when we move on with our lives does that person have a tendency to want to pop in and out, just to see how we are “surviving” without them.

    What he wants is his life…wife, nice house, cars, respectability…and me on the side. This is not acceptable to me. I am not a backseat person, I am a center stage/most important person in your life sort of person. Thinking I’m interested in being a cheater again after he went back on all his promises insults me.

    Do not let this person make you doubt yourself. I don’t know of anyone who hasn’t made a decision they later regreted in life. Can you just respond to his message that you’ve moved on with your life and you’d appreciate it if he’d stay of out if?

    Been there, done that, tattled to his wife. He just doesn’t seem to get the picture.

    I’m so sorry that this has brought up these emotions for you.


    Thank you.


  4. Bob
    Apr 18, 2010 @ 06:31:18

    that sucks. I am really sorry.

    Thank you. It does suck.


  5. Sherri
    Apr 18, 2010 @ 07:35:20

    I think this post may have gotten the point across. Hopefully.

    My requests have gone unheeded in the past, but they were never this public. Here’s hoping he gets the hint.


  6. brknhrt75
    Apr 18, 2010 @ 08:29:06

    Argh! I’m sorry he is causing you any turmoil. People are good at that it seems, knowing when an ex is fully over them so they know when they can pounce and dredge up old emotions. It’s why I usually immerse myself in the pain of a break-up, so that when I do encounter him again I feel nothing.

    I felt nothing when I saw him at the restaurant. Didn’t notice when he arrived, didn’t notice when he left. It’s only bothering me now because he’s in my space. He made the effort to find me and instead of being quiet in the background he had to let me know he was here. That’s manipulation and I don’t like it.

    Not in his defense or anything, but he probably figured you were over him and enough time had passed for you two to be “friendly.” As if.

    No. I’m not friends with ex-s. Not ever. What’s done is done and I don’t go back.


  7. DarcKnyt
    Apr 18, 2010 @ 09:35:01

    I’m sorry, Holly. If you need support, you have it. I’ll toss a prayer or two up for you.

    I hope you’re okay.

    I’m okay, just unhappy that my little cyberbubble was invaded. Thanks for the prayers and support. I have some decisions to make in the next few days and if anything changes I’ll be sure to let you, Falcon and my 3 other loyal readers know.


  8. Catherine
    Apr 18, 2010 @ 11:10:45

    Aww Holly. In the words of Forrest, ‘Shit happens’. It’s not you making a nuisance of yourself or unable to be happy with the choices you made, its clearly him.

    No, we had some discussions for about 2 months after he left and since then I have not tried to contact him, find him on the internet, or even spend any time thinking about him. I’m happy with the choices I made.

    I’ve done the married man thing before and had similar experiences to yours, he didnt really get the message until about 5 years later when I finally felt good enough to get myself a new ‘beau’. And yes, 5 years on, I still allowed him to push my buttons and make me feel guilty. It’s hard to see when you are in the middle of it but you shouldnt your past and thoughts of him to shape your present.

    This has been 9 years NINE YEARS! Give it a rest.

    Cyber hugs from me too and a two fingered salute to your ex if he is still reading. Pillock.


    Thanks! I appreciate the support.


  9. Sparty Girl
    Apr 18, 2010 @ 17:01:32

    I’m sorry sweetie. If there is anything at all that I can do, let me know. You know, alibi, bail money….


    I appreciate that cuz funds are a little low right now. 🙂


  10. Zombieman
    Apr 19, 2010 @ 07:35:28

    Geez, this sucks and I am sorry to hear that the guy had the nerve to contact you after what sounded like a major blow up and break up. I am outta my depth here experience wise and can only offer condolences that this happened and good cyber vibes! Are you feeling the love?

    Yes, I’m feeling the love. Thank you very much!

    (And I think you might have more followers/readers than you think!)

    I LOVE followers/readers as long as they aren’t the creepy stalker type. 🙂


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