Burial Day

Yesterday I decided I couldn’t stand the dead pig in my yard one more day.

Years ago when my daughter still lived at home, she insisted on having a pot bellied pig.  Our neighbours raised them so, oh well what the hell, (my new mantra stolen from here) we got one.  My daughter named her Gwennivere or something like that.  I called her Pork Chop, Pork Rind, Pot Roast, and sometimes Gweny.  She lived in the duck yard and it took me about two seconds to realize pigs aren’t nice.

That look right there meant I was seconds away from being knocked on my ass by a bowling ball with eyes.

 The pig HATED me.  If I went out to feed the ducks she would either charge me or she would go in the shed and let the door slam shut on me.  She was rude.

Well, she croaked a couple of years ago for no reason.  Yes, I said a couple of YEARS ago.  She has been in the duck yard, under a tarp, not decomposing for about two and a half years.  No shit, she looks just like she did when she died.  For all I know, she’s just being really lazy.

I’ve tried to get rid of her non-decomposed body, but it just never worked out.  Friends with trucks were always “too busy” whenever the subject of the dead pig came up.  Other friends suggested I drag her down to the highway and let the Highway Department take care of her carcass.  I could see a fine and possibly my name and/or picture  in the paper with that course of action.  There was no way in hell she was getting in my van since I knew she would spontaneously decompose like that guy in X-Men, right in the back seat.

Tonight, just before dark, I had an epiphany on how I was going to get rid of the pig.  There is a gigantic hole in the dog yard that was there when we moved in.  I figured I could dig a little more out, drag the pig to the hole and roll her in.  Problem solved.  My other neighbour has this massive pile of dirt (don’t ask ‘cuz I don’t know what he’s doing) and I figured I could trot over with my wheelbarrow under the cover of night (it’s always best to do these things in the dark) and get enough dirt to fill in the hole.

Overall it was a good plan and it went off without a hitch, unless you count the time I stepped on the edge of the partly filled grave and fell in.  My neighbours really should invest in a video camera. 

I wasn’t prepared for Otis’ reaction, though.  He and Maggie were around the  pig for about 2 years.  The pig hated them, too.  When I dragged the tarp to the hole and rolled her in, Otis completely freaked out.  He hit the ground all wide-eyed and panicked with his tail between his legs.  When I started shoveling dirt into the hole, he ran about 10 feet away and howled.  I think he had some concept that hole + dirt = bad news.  The other dogs were happy to have a new toy and they were digging as fast as I was filling until I threatened them with the shovel.  Otis sat by the fence, panting, shivering and howling.  When I finished Phase I (the pre-dirt stealing phase) he attached himself to my heels like he does when he’s traumatized by thunder.

Look at his scared little face.

 Maybe some animals do have a sense of what death is.


11 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Bob
    Jun 14, 2010 @ 09:15:02

    There was a dead pig in your backyard for a couple of years and it didn’t decompose or get eaten by some other animal?

    It’s a fenced yard so other animals can’t get in and no, it didn’t decompose. I have no idea why.

    It was your daughter’s pet, couldn’t she have come by and done something with it?

    She lives 7 hours away, visits maybe 2 times a year and drives a car.


  2. DarcKnyt
    Jun 14, 2010 @ 09:44:02

    I don’t know if I’ve ever heard of a carcass that didn’t decompose for two years. I swear, you live in some sort of supernatural vortex where assholitude collects from the cosmos and nothing is as it seems.

    It is a very strange place.

    That opening line is SO a great novel waiting to happen, btw.

    I knew you’d love it. 🙂


  3. whatigotsofar
    Jun 14, 2010 @ 09:46:15

    Okay, I stopped reading at the point when I realized you had a dead animal just there in your yard. You have a son, right? Is he in anyway incapable of handling a shovel? “Hey son, go dig a hole beside the dead pig then roll the pig in the hole!”

    I have a son. The pig died in the winter so there was no hole digging then. He left for the summer before the ground thawed and came back after it was frozen. I spent that summer drunk so there was no hole digging for me. He was gone again last summer. My plan was to have the pig hauled to a farmer’s dead animal pit, but no one would bring their truck around.

    My yard is huge. I live in the middle of nowhere. It’s not like a town yard, it’s an acre of fenced in prairie grass.


    • tiff
      Jun 15, 2010 @ 18:00:17

      Damn it, I was just about to text you and say we’re ready lol. Honestly, we had to pay someone to haul our dead pig off last year (umm…the day after it died). We paid them in beer. We are not good dead pig haulers, I am sorry…

      You should have let me know and we could have split the beer expense. Ha! It wasn’t a problem, except for poor Otis. I don’t think he’s right still.


  4. Catherine
    Jun 14, 2010 @ 10:24:35

    TWO YEARS??!!! The mind boggles. If stuff lasts that long round your way, why bother with a fridge. Just put your food in a cupboard. Think how much you would save on electric.

    I’ve visited other places where everything goes in the refrigerator. Non-perishable stuff will last here for weeks on the counter (unless the dogs get it).


  5. Kat
    Jun 14, 2010 @ 10:54:23

    That’s wonderful! TWO YEARS! Yes! I so can live in your world, where nothing goes bad in two years 🙂

    I think its a combination of dry desert heat and freezing winter cold. Unless wild animals can get to it, dead things just don’t decompose.


  6. DarcsFalcon
    Jun 14, 2010 @ 14:03:32

    Wow – you could kill someone and pretend it’s a mannequin!

    Too bad you couldn’t get any chops off of that pig. It would have been sweet revenge. I still relish the thought of dining on rooster one day. 😀

    That pig was the devil. I wondered if someone might call the cops on me for burying a tarp wrapped something in my back yard. My neighbours obviously don’t know me very well or they would have.


  7. Sparty Girl
    Jun 14, 2010 @ 15:56:54

    HAHAHAHAHA!!!!! Otis only NOW noticed there was a problem.

    I don’t think he understood “dead”. Maybe he thought she was taking a nap or since he doesn’t get to go into the duck yard, maybe he thought she moved away. As soon as I dragged her into the dog yard and tossed her in the hole, he knew it was bad.


  8. blogmella
    Jun 15, 2010 @ 00:10:30

    I’m such a bad person – My immediate reaction was that Otis was thinking “Who am I going to have sex with now she is burying the pig?”.

    I’m going to Hell.

    Otis is a sheep fucker. He would be offended.


  9. izziedarling
    Jun 16, 2010 @ 15:55:52

    i am laughing so hard i cannot type correctly. oh well, what the hell

    Thank you! I laughed my ass off while I was writing it.


  10. watergirl
    May 23, 2011 @ 21:51:45

    @Blogmella (and your subsequent reply): HAHAHAHAHAHH!

    I followed a link from your recent “Just Another Day at the Homestead” post. Damn near fell outta my chair laughing. I think I may have woke up my mom in the process.

    I swear my neighbours need a video camera. You should see me trying to split wood.



Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: