Here’s a sampling of different categories of people I see at the restaurant. Some customers have more than one category.
Men come in three categories:
1. Lazy. They can’t be bothered to read the menu and instead ask, “Whaddaya got?” as if I’m going to stand there and read it to them.
My response: “Barbeque. The different types are listed on the menu. I’ll give you a couple more minutes to look it over.” Usually when I return to the table the man has decided it is in his best interest to stop acting like a helpless moron and do his part in the ordering process.
Cross Category: Southern, Redneck.
2. Arrogant Assholes. They are so cool and important, I should know what they want just by looking at them. These men place their order while looking at the newspaper, their watch, the wall, the ceiling or out the window and they complement their words with constant shooing hand gestures.
My response: I smile while taking the order, then I wait about 5 minutes before I hang the ticket. After all, everyone in the restaurant should have ample time to see the “god” at Table 9.
Cross Category: Women, Bitchy.
3. Fun. They read the menu, sit up straight, look at me when ordering, smile, crack a joke, gather menus, and all around act like they’ve been out in public before.
My response: Fast, friendly, efficient service.
Cross Category: Women, Helpful.
Women come in three categories.
1. Helpful. They are organized and ready to order for the entire family before they even sat down. These are the women who will stack the plates at the end of the meal, clean up whatever mess their family made, leave a generous tip and be gone in a whirlwind of activity.
My response: I jump on their bandwagon of good times and it’s an enjoyable encounter for all involved.
Cross Category: Men, Fun.
2. Indecisive. These are the women who just can’t decide between the beans, Cole slaw or potato salad. They stare at the menu for 5 minutes and deny that they need extra time to decide just so you can stand at their table and watch their indecisiveness. In the end, they will pick the French fries.
My response: I drop the food and run lest the woman wants ketchup…no, salt…no, sour cream…wait…maybe ranch for her fries.
Cross Category: Southerners, Redneck.
3. Bitchy. They have had a bad day, week, month, year, life and it’s ALL YOUR FAULT because you are thinner, prettier, fatter, uglier, taller, shorter, funnier, sadder than they are. These women are miserable and they want everyone in the world to be just as bitter and wretched. They will lie about every situation just to get their way. AVOID THESE WOMEN!!
My response: I put on my Bitch Face and we rumble. On her next visit to the restaurant, she asks for a different server and all is well.
Cross Category: Southerners, Redneck, one generation removed; Men, Arrogant Assholes.
They come in two categories:
1. Redneck. The entire order is placed with ‘Ah whant…” Not “I’d like…” or “May I have…” or “Could I get…” No. “Ah whant the rib combo and Ah whant the beans, and Ah whant the corn and Ah whant the tater salad.”
My response: Recently, a family of ten ordered like this. I was fighting back peals of laughter by the fifth person doing the ‘Ah whant’ thing. My shoulders were shaking, my eyes were teared up, I was biting my lips and just staring at my ticket book. Any eye contact would have caused a very impolite lesson on ordering etiquette.
Cross Category: Men, Lazy.
2. Redneck, one generation removed. They have manners and are usually gracious, but the feral redneck gleam is still in their eyes. They are a month’s wages away from reverting back to the monster truck, rebel flag and eating barbeque with their hands.
My response: I’m polite lest the redneck beast resurface.
Cross Category: Women, Helpful; Women, Bitchy; Women, Indecisive; Men, Arrogant Assholes; Men, Fun.