A couple of years ago a friend dropped a cat off at my house. Yes, she’s still my friend. The cat is the most annoying piece of shitty animal I’ve ever encountered. If I go outside to smoke, mow the lawn, dig a grave, or feed the ducks he follows me around and tries to suck on my clothes. I can’t sit on my deck without finding wet spots of cat slobber on my sweatshirt or pantlegs. Being a tom cat, he pees on EVERYTHING. I’ve punted him for trying to pee on me a few times. I named him after the most annoying family in town.
Yesterday when I got ready to leave for work I noticed the driver’s door was locked. It was raining so I scrambled around to the passenger side and discovered it was locked too. So was the slider door. WTF?! I live out in the middle of nowhere. I don’t lock my doors and I don’t take my keys inside. See, there they are, right on the dash. In the locked damn van.
My son was riding to work with me so I went back in the house and said, “The van’s locked and the keys are IN IT!” in a rather accusatory tone. He assured me he hadn’t been in the van the night before so I thought about what happened when I came home from work: Parked, turned the lights off, turned the van off, put the keys on the dash, stepped out into a mud puddle, slipped and nearly fell down in the mud…hmm…maybe I accidently hit the auto lock as I was flailing around in the mud.
We went out to the van together and he looked inside while I went to feed the ducks. I heard him say, “There’s a CAT in here!”
Yep. While I was achieving feats of balance and coordination in the mud hole, he jumped in the van to search for the bag of restaurant scraps, which was in my hand. For his effort, he got locked in the van all night with no food or water. Good thing it was a cool and rainy day or he would have been a dead McBroom cat by the time I left for work the next day. He tore the shit out of the underside of my dash and I had to pay $30 to get the town mechanic to unlock the door. I was an hour late for work, but no one doubted my story because really, how could I make this shit up?
The whole event reminded me of the man in my previous post. Can’t wait so you screw up everything around you and end up screwing yourself in the process. Something tells me McBroom will learn his lesson before that guy does, though.