Pet Peeve #4–My Apron

It’s mine.  It’s a second skin on my lower body.  Keep your hands out of it.

I keep my money in the left pocket and my ticket book and pen in the right pocket  If I’m going outside I’ll shove my phone, lighter and cigarettes in the middle pocket, but most of the time it’s empty. 

A few summers ago one of the waitresses suggested saving time by carrying straws with me.  Being lazy, I like to save time, but the placement of the straws was problematic.  If I put them in my right pocket, they fly all over when I pull out my ticket book.  If I put them in my left pocket, they are touching the unsanitary money and it oogs me out.  That left the middle pocket.  I gave it a trial run and discovered that just after a woman (it’s always a woman) asks, “Do you have a straw?” she will reach out and crotch grab one right out of my apron instead of waiting two seconds for me to hand her one.  

So yes, I did save time running to the waitstation, but I lost time fighting with middle aged women who thought they had every right to just grope at my lady parts.  I even slapped a couple of them for being a little too enthusiastic in my personal area.  After less than a week of that shit, I went back to making the extra trip to the waitstation for an additional straw.

Still, whenever a woman asks for a straw with her water, I catch her eyeballing my apron like a bird looking for a worm.  Ladies, you are not being helpful.  You are being intrusive and a little lesbian-ish, which I’m not down with at all.  I don’t feel free to root through your purse, you shouldn’t feel free to root through my business.


13 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. whatigotsofar
    Jul 03, 2010 @ 10:43:24

    Is that a straw in your apron or are you just happy to see me?

    I’m always happy to see you.


  2. morethananelectrician
    Jul 03, 2010 @ 10:54:40

    This is the part where I think wearing an apron and actually putting straws there hoping to get groped.

    You might be right. No one else ever complains about it, but maybe they like it.


  3. the career waitress
    Jul 03, 2010 @ 11:32:19

    any time i’m carrying around a ton of plates and a leaving male customer says “here, let me give you your tip!” they without fail aim for that middle pocket. Coincidence…or something more??

    They’re aiming for a crotch grab. It happens to me as well.

    Thanks for stopping by and taking the time to leave a comment. I love hearing from others in the biz.


  4. blogmella
    Jul 03, 2010 @ 12:36:29

    “You are being intrusive and a little lesbian-ish, which I’m not down with at all.”

    Hahaha! You’re always saying we are alike! I have a rule that only people with cocks are allowed to do sex things with me. And in fact, I insist that they have BIG ones too, just to make sure.

    HAHAHA! I was going to put something like that in the post, but I didn’t really want to give random guys permission to touch me either.


  5. Bob
    Jul 03, 2010 @ 12:43:35

    I can’t believe people try touching your apron. That is sick and weird.

    Servers aren’t really people so who cares if you’re rude and groping.


  6. redriverpak
    Jul 03, 2010 @ 13:14:22

    I would never even think of doing something like that. Maybe I’m not the biggest idiot in the world after all….

    Keep reading my blog and you’ll discover you aren’t an idiot at all. It will be an identity crisis.


  7. Cindy
    Jul 03, 2010 @ 13:51:21

    In the years that I wore an apron with pockets, I’ve never had anyone grope about in them. Now having the restaurant name on the left boob of my shirt made it seem all drunk men were blind and had to read it like braille. Many hands were smacked back then.

    Men try to stuff money in my apron, women grab straws out of it, kids reach in and throw whatever they can get their grubby little hands on…my apron is violated by everyone. I’d like to put a live snake in there, but it would only turn out bad for me.


  8. blunt delivery
    Jul 03, 2010 @ 15:42:39

    i always had my hoard of olive garden mints stuffed in with my change.

    it wasn’t pretty

    Ack. No, I don’t imagine it was.


  9. DarcsFalcon
    Jul 03, 2010 @ 18:41:11

    Hahahaha! I remember one time I asked a young lady waitress if she had some straws, and while I could plainly see the ones in her pocket, I wasn’t going to just reach out and touch. She had her hands full of plates, and did the hip-thrust thing toward me and said, “Oh I forgot! Here, grab as many as you need!”

    I only touched the straw wrappers. 🙂

    I don’t get the crotch-grab thing, I’ve seen people do it too.

    If my hands are full and I give permission I don’t care if a customer plucks one out, but don’t just dart and grab because if my hands are empty I’m going to slap you.


  10. redriverpak
    Jul 04, 2010 @ 12:29:06

    Hope you are having a good and profitable 4th of July Weekend….Watch yer straws! 🙂

    I am! If you’re volunteering at the airport this weekend, make sure you’re taking notes.


  11. noe noe girl
    Jul 06, 2010 @ 09:38:50

    Bwhaaaaa! Damn gropers!

    I hate ’em!


  12. thelifeofjamie
    Jul 08, 2010 @ 20:34:25

    When I waitressed, I kept my straws on one side, but used my apron as a towel. The cooks used to take it from me and scrub it with industrial steel wool and it still wouldn’t come clean…no one dared touch my apron!!!

    I wear a towel tucked in my apron and I can’t tell you how many people (usually men) who insist on using it as a napkin. Yuck. I wipe my filthy hands on it…hands which have been used to clean other people’s plates.

    Thanks for stopping by!


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