I had the strangest dream last night.  The restaurant owner’s wife and their two kids walked into my house and seated themselves at my kitchen table.  I was in the living room watching Boy Cook Jarrod sleeping in my bed while  washing my back with a deck scrubber.  I asked, “How did you get by the dogs?” (Scrub, scrub, scrub.)  She said, “They didn’t mind.” (Scrub, scrub.)


Last week Darren told Cora she had to write the employee’s name on every meal ticket.  She told him she was aware of the policy.  He said, “No Cora.  You have to write Pablo, Cerilo, and Cesar on the ticket.  You can’t just write Mexicans.”


I had the dumbest family of Australians tonight.  I can’t believe they made it this far from home.

The guy asked, “Where is the Alaskan whitefish from?”


“What kind of fish is the whitefish?”


“Well, what kind of fish is the catfish?”


“Yes, I know, but is it Dover sole or…”

“No, it’s catfish.”

“Yes, but what kind of fish is it?”


“You don’t know your fish, do you?”

“No sir, we’re kind of landlocked here.”

Then the woman ordered, “A barbecue sandwich without the meat.”

“So, uh…you want a bun?”

“No, I want a barbecue sandwich, but leave off the meat.”

(At this point, my voice got really loud because this had to be a joke, right?!  Surely, no one could really be this dumb.  And don’t call me Shirley.)

“Ma’am I’m sorry, but our sandwiches are meat and bun or meat and garlic toast.  If you leave off the meat, you’ve got bun.  Or garlic toast.”

“Well, can’t you put something else on it?”

(That was where I had the overwhelming urge to run screaming from the table and pound my head against a wall.)

“Like what?!”

“I don’t know.  Something that isn’t meat.  It isn’t that hard.”

Oh yeah, make me out to be the dumb one.

In the end, he had the baby back ribs and chicken and she had jalapeno poppers.  I can’t remember what the kids ordered because they weren’t complete morons.


16 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Sherri
    Aug 28, 2010 @ 07:16:36

    That Aussie guy didn’t know HIS fish. Catfish is catfish. Catfish is not sole. Geez.

    Maybe he thought it was a fish dressed up to be a cat. I resent dumb people acting like I’m dumb.

    LMAO at “the Mexicans.”

    I know. That’s what we call them as a group. It’s nicer than calling them “the dishwashers”.


  2. thelifeofjamie
    Aug 28, 2010 @ 07:19:53

    at the BBQ where I used to work, someone asked for the jalapenos, pronounced /ja/ /la/ /pen/ /os/, not halapenos. I live in CA- seriously??? You should have told the Aussie’s that you had some kangaroo/koala stew that you could have put on that bun.

    If she didn’t want meat, we have a big salad bar she could have ordered. I didn’t realize she was trying to be a vegetarian until the meal was almost over. Holy crap.


  3. Nycgirl
    Aug 28, 2010 @ 08:27:20

    Just wondering: what are your other fav customer service blogs?

    On the right sidebar, under “In the biz”, I have links for the customer service blogs I follow. There are a couple of servers, a cook and a front desk clerk. I think they are pretty funny/odd/informative.


    • Nycgirl
      Aug 28, 2010 @ 14:45:51

      Sorry, I just realized that might have seemed like a stupid question – I’m on an iPhone and the mobile version of your blog which just has the entries – will switch to the full version and visit the links!

      Not a dumb question at all.


  4. DarcKnyt
    Aug 28, 2010 @ 10:48:37

    You know what’s really funny? Australians — as well as people from other parts of the world — think Americans are generally dumb. This family of spit-slurpers couldn’t raise their IQ with a ladder and a hydraulic lift.

    You know what I’ve found? Stupidity doesn’t recognize national borders. It happens equally worldwide. Isn’t that comforting?

    I really think these were the dumbest people I’ve ever encountered. I’ve waited on drunk, stupid people, but these ones win the prize for sober dumbness.

    “The Mexicans” … heh.


  5. M.T.
    Aug 28, 2010 @ 11:55:37

    A lady once asked me if a cheeseburger contained meat. In restaurants I’ve worked at, a server was once asked if cheese was a dairy product, and another lady ordered a sausage pizza with no sauce or cheese. “So you just want sausage on a crust?” The waitress asked, and was met with a hostile “No, I want a sausage pizza with no sauce or cheese!”

    She ended up eating the crust/sausage monstrosity I cooked though…

    I really should have served her the barbecue sandwich without the meat. The look on her face would have been worth an extra trip to the kitchen.


  6. redriverpak
    Aug 28, 2010 @ 15:19:45

    This reminds me of the classic Jack Nicholson rant about the sandwich in that movie I can’t think of the name of…..damn I hate gettin old! 🙂

    I must not have seen the movie. It would probably make my head throb.


    • redriverpak
      Aug 29, 2010 @ 14:34:28

      Take an aspirin, I found the clip. I will put it up later today. Sorry in advance! 🙂

      My head hurts already.


  7. whatigotsofar
    Aug 28, 2010 @ 16:01:10

    I think the moron wanted some lettuce or something, but chances are, he was looking for something akin to vegemite, which i doubt you serve.

    What the hell is vegemite? I could look it up on wikipedia, but it seems like too much of an effort.


  8. Audrey Smith
    Aug 28, 2010 @ 17:42:48

    Oh for God’s sake, you need my spoon…..put a knot on their heads and keep it sore….

    I have a feeling if I started with the spoon, I’d never stop.


  9. Jamie
    Aug 28, 2010 @ 18:27:46

    I’m laughing so hard I have tears in my eyes. I really do miss all of the really good stuff. I would’ve brought the idiot just the bun. Not because I’m clever, but because I’m just as dumb.

    Yes, I know. Then the cooks would have made you cry.

    You missed your stalker on Friday. He looked all sad because you weren’t there. He tipped Katrina $10 so maybe he’ll start stalking her next.


  10. tipsfortips
    Aug 28, 2010 @ 23:27:11

    I work in a fish restaurant in the Midwest and as you might have guessed spend a little more time researching what I sell than the average server. Okay actually alot more time. I daily have people who come in and are from the coasts who want to tell me how they know all about seafood. They then show off by asking ridiculously stupid questions. I live in the Midwest, does that mean I can go to the coast and tell a butcher about meat or a baker about wheat?

    I would imagine you get this ALOT with BBQ.

    We get the, “I’m from TEXAS and I know barbecue.” I stop listening as soon as I hear, “I’m from TEXAS…” You aren’t IN Texas, but I’d love it if you’d go back.


    • Fuck My Table
      Aug 29, 2010 @ 14:03:57

      Even if you’re “from TEXAS” it doesn’t mean you know barbeque, so I HATE it when people say stuff like that…and I live and work in Texas!

      There are many different kinds of barbeque and many different ways to prepare barbeque fare. I know what kind of barbeque I like; when I try barbeque at a new place and don’t like it, I don’t say it’s not good barbeque…I just realize it’s not what I’m used to!

      I’m not a fan of barbeque. I’m more of a Mexican or Italian kind of eater. Love me some spice and some pasta.


    • tipsfortips
      Aug 29, 2010 @ 21:49:57

      I have an ex girlfriend relocation deal worked out with TX. They get all the exes and I never step foot in the state. I consider it a win win arrangement

      That is quite a deal. I don’t have enough exes to work out an arrangement with a state, though.


  11. DarcsFalcon
    Aug 29, 2010 @ 21:33:44

    Oh, too much funny tonight! Busted out at “the Mexicans” and the Aussie family. 🙂

    Why thank you!


  12. LS
    Aug 30, 2010 @ 13:38:55

    To an Aussie, “barbeque” doesn’t refer to the food itself, but the verb “to grill” or the noun “a cook-out”.

    Still, they were morons.

    Here, outside of a restaurant, barbeque means “to grill” or “a cook-out” as well. Typically a person is grilling some sort of meat so even at home, a barbeque sandwich without the meat is just a bun.

    BTW, Vegemite rules.

    Men at Work sang fondly of it so it must rule.

    Thanks for stopping by!


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