The Fruits of Your Loins

We all know public restrooms are filthy places. Research shows that particles of whatever is in a toilet when it flushes become airborne. What goes up, must come down so the particles of nastiness settle primarily on the floor. We use bleach to clean the toilets and counters, but not the floor. We use leftover dining room mop water which looks and smells a lot like ass for that. You could not pay me enough money to touch our restroom floors.

www.chicagomag.comThat being said, do you know what your children do when you send them to the restroom unsupervised? I do.

They lock the stall doors and crawl under. While this is mildly irritating for me, it always makes me chuckle because it means your little unsupervised darlings put their hands and knees on the bacteria infested floor. And what are kids famous for? Spreading germs. Why? Because they don’t wash their hands. So after crawling around on our restroom floor, your children come out and hold your hand, share your fries, and touch your straw. What’s worse, who do you think I get to unlock the stall; a non-English speaking dishwasher or a 22 year old cook?

Lately though, some male children have gone above and beyond the call of germ spreading. Twice in the last two weeks the urinal block has ended up in the toilet. Again, mildly irritating for our night manager when the toilet backs up, but oh so disgusting for you. This means your unsupervised male child reached into the urinal, picked up the little pink cake-looking thing from where it sits in a puddle of pee and pubic hair, and after deciding he couldn’t eat it, he threw it in the toilet. Then he ran out to hold your hand, share your fries, and touch your straw.

Oh, and if you think your little darlings are washing their hands before they come out of the restroom, I have news for you. The soap dispenser in both restrooms hangs high above the sink, about shoulder height for me. The best you can hope for is they used cold water on their hands before they touched your straw, but since I rarely see a kid related messy sink, I wouldn’t bet on it.

(Originally posted on 6/8/09)


9 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. darcknyt
    Jun 08, 2009 @ 08:19:34

    That's both hysterical and disgusting. Thank GOD my kids always go to the bathroom with me or my wife. Thank GOD.

    I've heard girls are worse than boys, too. Do you find this, or does the urinal cake thing declare a clear winner?

    The urinal cake makes boys the winner because it begs the question: how many times does it get picked up and thrown back in the urinal with no one the wiser? Barf.


    • Fuck My Table
      Aug 29, 2010 @ 20:01:45

      Adult women are messier than adult men, but it’s the opposite for children.
      The urinal cake thing makes me want to vomit…ugh!

      I always say, no matter how bad the men’s room is, the ladies’ room is worse. Barf.

      When we have children, they are going to the restroom with me until they grow out of the “touch everything I can get my hands on” phase. >_<

      So uh…when they are around 16 years old?


      • Fuck My Table
        Aug 29, 2010 @ 21:49:37

        I was thinking around 10. Our kids are going to be under military rule and will be respectable in public, whether they want to be or not. 😀

        Mine were too, plus they had common sense.


  2. Doctor FTSE
    Jun 09, 2009 @ 05:46:26

    I'm just a poor Englishperson living in a country which isn't quite as paranoid about "germs" as er . . er . . some countries are. ( I just LOVE Bill Bryson's hilarious comments about toilet seats.) Now two questions occur to me , , , What on earth is a Government Public Toilet Strategy? And which is germiest, a restroom floor or (three large dogs+two ducks+a dozen stray cats)?

    HAHA! Since the cats and the ducks live outside, they are pretty germ free. The dogs are covered in germs, and that’s okay by me.


  3. whatigotsofar
    Jun 28, 2010 @ 09:05:52

    Nothing like some good ol’ kids playing with fecal matter stories.

    I’m here to please.


  4. DarcsFalcon
    Aug 29, 2010 @ 20:18:58

    I had a friend who’s husband was a janitor at a jr high school. He said the girls bathrooms were always far worse than the boys. I guess they grow out of something by the time they’re 12ish … at least the desire to play with urinal cakes. Ick!

    They do look tasty.


  5. thelifeofjamie
    Aug 30, 2010 @ 07:28:27

    I really want to vomit! You should put a warning on posts like these.

    Haha! Sorry.


  6. redriverpak
    Aug 30, 2010 @ 14:10:27

    OK, that’s the final straw, I am NEVER going into a public restroom again. Foley Catheter and Depends…. here I come! 🙂

    It isn’t that YOU shouldn’t go into a public restroom, but that your kids shouldn’t go in unattended.


  7. Jamie
    Aug 31, 2010 @ 00:39:06

    I still say the cooks should clean the mens room. No one wins when it comes to public restrooms. NO ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Seriously, though, don’t you think the cooks should clean the mens room at night?**

    Well, since I know the cooks and dishwashers do unspeakable things in the men’s room, yes they should have to clean it.

    **refer to the shit man from super bowl sunday.


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