A Parade of Stupid

Between a few of my coworkers and several of my customers I was ready to scream myself hoarse in the parking lot tonight.  I can handle random stupidity, but when a concentration of it collides into me like a train, the cooks stop making eye contact with me, and servers and cashiers start hiding from me.  Is this my fault?  No.  Don’t be stupid and I won’t have to scream at you.

It all started with a bus of kids.  There were a total of 42 people on the bus.  There were 3 servers on the floor.  My math isn’t all that great, but I figured each server should get three tables. 

The hostess couldn’t grasp this and had the biggest clusterfuck I’ve ever seen going on at the front door.  While she was turning the situation into rocket science, I started seating people.  Three tables of four for Katrina, three table of four for Anna and three tables of six for me. 

Then the hostess started mind fucking Katrina and Anna about which tables were who’s.  Katrina=Tables 1, 5 & 8.  Anna=Tables 16, 17 & 18.  Me=Tables 9, 10 & 14/15.  The hostess said, “But…the floor plan is all messed up.  We are on a 5 plan tonight.”  Well, we aren’t on one NOW!  Dumbass.

Not how I like to start my shift.

For some reason Katrina decided 3 tables were more than she could handle and she lost her shit.  She stopped calling stuff back to the cooks because she, “had way too many tables.”  She stomped through the waitstation, yelling and hollering at everyone until I had to finally tell her to knock it off, and get her shit together before the whole restaurant looked like a herd of stampeding cattle.  It only takes one person to send the entire staff off into a panic.

Just when we got the bus under control, the hostess approached me and asked if she should start filling Amber’s section with customers who weren’t on the bus.  WTF?!  I said, “Amber won’t be here for 20 more minutes.  Do you think those people want to sit and wait for her to get here?”

“You could wait on them in her section.”

That’s the first time I lost it.  “What is wrong with seating them in my section if I’m going to wait on them?  I have 3 open tables, Anna has 3 open tables, Katrina has 2 open tables.  Fucking seat them there!”

Boo hoo.  Really.

Then the customers joined the stupid parade.  One guy asked for the beer menu.  I gave it to him, he read it and ordered a beer that wasn’t listed. 

Another woman asked what was in the chili (beans & meat).  She said she couldn’t eat meat.  She asked if it was good.  I said I didn’t know since I can’t eat beef.  She said, “I’m going to be daring and order it.”  Why, so you can puke and die in my section?  I don’t think so. 

The third customer complained that her chicken wasn’t cooked, but her husband’s was.  Same fucking chicken.  She had the white meat, he had the dark meat.  They were not happy until I brought her a new chicken. 

It was like I was sitting at an intersection watching people play in traffic…some were going to survive and some were not.

An hour after the bus left the hostess approached me and said, “This might be a dumb question, and don’t yell at me, but did you add anything to the coaches’ ticket?”

No.  Why would I add anything to their ticket AFTER they paid.  I told her she needed to 1. stop talking to me and 2. find out who added the combo meal to the table number.  Every time I walked into the waitstation for about 20 minutes after that, I heard her asking servers if they added the combo to Table 14.  It reminded me of the guy in ‘Clerks’ who gets his keys thrown in the trash for being an asshole and throughout the movie he’s outside the store asking people if they’ve seen his keys.  I nearly had the hysterical giggles, but it was just too absurd.


12 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Becky
    Sep 12, 2010 @ 08:17:15

    I am also not a fan of stupid people. I’m not a fan of super smart people either. I like your average, common sense owning, logical individual. We need more of those in the world…;)

    I’m all about common sense.


  2. Fuck My Table
    Sep 12, 2010 @ 09:02:29

    Ouch. I don’t know if I could have handled that amount of stupid.

    I don’t think I’m a genius or anything, but when I say, “May I remove your plate?” and they look at me funny, I know I’m a tad bit smarter. Especially when they then say, “Oh, you wanted to TAKE my plate!”

    I’m far from being a genius, but I can cross the street by myself.

    My coworkers are mercifully not stupid 90% of the time. It makes handling the other 10% of the time much easier. The managers on the other hand…

    My coworkers aren’t dumb either, which was what made me want to pull everyone’s hair out.


  3. morethananelectrician
    Sep 12, 2010 @ 16:07:12

    The “beef” lady wouldn’t throw up in your section…she’d just blow up your bathroom.

    Either way, I’d still have to clean it up.


  4. Sparty Girl
    Sep 12, 2010 @ 16:46:24

    Oh, you have got to be kidding me. Sounds like your hostess needs to learn how to do her job.

    She’s been with us for months. She should know better by now.


  5. Jamie
    Sep 12, 2010 @ 17:23:59

    wow, this basically describes almost every day at work. same shit, same place, different day different servers about to blow up.

    Lately all I can say is, “What the fuck?!


  6. DarcsFalcon
    Sep 12, 2010 @ 23:01:56

    Sounds like someone put something in the water that day. What a trial!

    Glad it’s over!

    At least, I hope it is! LOL I’d go insane if I had to deal with that kind of stuff every day.

    I hope it’s over too. I don’t have a lot of tolerance for stupid.


  7. M.T.
    Sep 13, 2010 @ 00:21:18

    I don’t know if this is how it works at your place, but most everywhere I’ve ever worked, they tend to put the weakest member of the FOH staff in the hostess position. It’s a horrible idea. The equivelent to putting the worst cook on expo duty during Friday night dinner rush. Yet in so many places, some teenage girl who doesn’t know her ass from a whole in the wall is seating the tables, and the entire service staff is tippering on the brink of mutiny. It makes it bad for the kitchen too when the servers are disheveled and pissed…. It can get ugly fast when the hierarchy starts to break down. Why put a slow person on the front lines?

    A hostess can make or break a night and for the life of me I don’t know why we continually get dumbass hostesses. Right now we have some pretty good hostesses, and this particular one is usually on the ball, but I’ve worked with some who were down right horrid. Our hostess is also the cashier and if she can’t count to 5 on a rotation, how the hell can she count back change?


    • M.T.
      Sep 14, 2010 @ 02:35:13

      Well, hell, it’s the restaurant industry. I know that our pool of potential employees isn’t the best and brightest of the population per se. But there does exist a large percentage of people who do possess strong functional intelligence. There is no excuse, in my not-so-humble opinion, for placing one of the morons at a point of critical control. Hostess and line-expo should ALWAYS be staffed by a reasonably intelligent worker. Those two positions really are the “bottlenecks” of the operation. I’d much rather lose the services of a good line cook or a good waitress at their respective positions, rather than have everyone in the house get screwed because of management trying to save a buck plugging dolts into the two key positions. I’ve suffered through many a disasterous night because of this type of shit.

      I’ll stop ranting about it now. Perhaps I should just write my own story about the topic.

      I showed you mine now you show me yours. 😉


  8. whatigotsofar
    Sep 13, 2010 @ 04:44:57

    I went to a restaurant on Saturday. I ordered some food. The waitress asked me one question based on the food I ordered “Whole wheat or white crust in the pizza.” I answered. I then asked to have the leftovers boxed up to be taken home. I think all went well.

    Why do you attract the stupid?

    For the same reason some women attract wife beaters, I guess.


  9. redriverpak
    Sep 13, 2010 @ 09:36:19

    The place where you work sounds like someplace out of a Stephen King novel. A true house of Horrors…. how u have survived this long is a mystery! 🙂

    I like most of the people I work with and we are a family. Otherwise I would have left a long time ago.


  10. izziedarling
    Sep 13, 2010 @ 14:22:28

    I’m with Idiot, Stephen Kingville. Bus loads of anything always provoke insanity.

    I have a system with bus loads of kids. The cooks are happy, the kids are happy and when they leave I have very little mess to clean up. It’s easy and efficient and I don’t know why everyone else makes such a big deal out of it.


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