Mean Spirited Fun

Like this only less understated and a lot less classy.

My second table tonight was so full of themselves I wanted to spike their heads against a wall.  I saw them standing at the register and she was wearing some 70s peasant blouse that looked as if it came from Goodwill.  My first thought was, ‘Who the hell dressed her?”  So naturally, they had to go in my section.  It’s a given that if people look like douchebags or jackasses, they are going to be in my section.

As Angel walked them to their table, the guy asked, “So, how are your balls?”

Angel, unflapped, said he needed to ask his server about the balls.

When I got to their table, they were both giggling uncontrollably about how funny it was to embarrass Angel with the balls question, but it would have been so much more fun if she had been younger and had started crying.  Right away I made them for a couple of tools.  I started my greeting and the woman interrupted me.

“I want you to tell me what the Rocky Mountain Oysters are.”  (giggle, giggle)

“I think you know already.”

“No.  I WANT you to tell me what the Rocky Mountain Oysters are.”  (giggle, giggle)

“A woman of YOUR AGE should know what Rocky Mountain Oysters are.”

Round one to me.

They ordered the balls, a couple of beers and a combo meal to go.  When I tried to take the menus, the guy said he wanted to keep one as a memento.  (giggle, giggle) I told him he could have the paper take out menu and he started arguing with me.  I told him that he could keep the menu and I would add $75 to his ticket.  He practically threw it at me and sneered, “We’ll just steal one on the way out.”

Round two to me.

I had two other tables around these jackasses and as I waited on the other tables, I could hear them discussing ways they could embarrass me, (giggle) make me uncomfortable, (giggle) trip me up, (giggle) or make me lose my cool. (giggle, giggle) 

Who does that shit?!  First of all, I CAN HEAR YOU.  Second of all, I HAVE YOUR FOOD.  Are you retarded?

We have several old style signs around the restaurant that serve as western decor.  When I took the balls out to them, the woman said, “Tell me about the Pig Roast tonight.  (giggle, giggle) Where do we get tickets for a quarter?” (giggle, giggle)

“There isn’t a pig roast tonight.”

“The sign says there is.” (giggle, giggle)

“The sign is just a decoration.”

“I KNOW it’s a decoration.” (huff, roll eyes)

Round three to me.

They finally gave up on me and went back to harassing Angel, who was cleaning the salad bar.  The man approached her and said, “I want one mushroom.  (giggle, giggle)  Can I just pick one mushroom off the salad bar?” (giggle, giggle)

“Yes, you can for $4.29.  I will get you a plate and add it to your ticket.”

“I just want one mushroom.  You’re going to charge me four bucks for one mushroom?”

“If that’s all you want, that’s what it will cost.  I suggest you add more to your plate.”

“Fine.  Nevermind.”

Round four to Angel.

When they left, the woman stopped at the door, threw her arm over her head like some spastic flamenco dancer and shouted, “What an unfriendly place.”

No, unfriendly would have been telling her to look in the mirror if she wanted something to laugh at.


13 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Fuck My Table
    Sep 29, 2010 @ 01:31:28

    You are much cooler than I would have been. I would have told them to go be silly somewhere else, or I’d add a pain-in-the-ass fee. I have no tolerance for teenagers being a nuisance. You never said they were teens, but their behavior pegs them at that age for me.

    Uh, no. They were slightly older than me…I’d say, late 40s early 50s.

    I loved reading how that one turned out. Golden!

    On another (related) note, I’m going to have to start being mean to my tables again. I regressed back into being nice, and I’ve gotten nothing for it but some rude tables who’ve stiffed me. If they’re going to be a pain, I’m not going to act like I’m walking around with rose-colored glasses. They can take my server booklet and shove it…well, you know where. 😉

    I’m telling you, a few days of nice coupled with borderline psychotic rage will fill your wallet.


    • Fuck My Table
      Sep 29, 2010 @ 01:32:17

      Also…it always amazes me at how stupid people are. You’re the one controlling their food, and they want to harass you? Stupid knows no bounds.

      One would think people would mind their manners in order to get spit-free food in a timely fashion. One would be wrong.


  2. whatigotsofar
    Sep 29, 2010 @ 04:07:33

    Where the fuck do these assholes come from?

    I’m guessing their mothers fucked monkeys and they fell out her ass.


  3. Molly Malone
    Sep 29, 2010 @ 10:02:45

    Awesome post! People can be such arseholes!

    But why do they have to show it off?


  4. Jamie
    Sep 29, 2010 @ 13:12:53

    I should have snapped a photo of the old fogies. God they pissed me off, and I was clear on the other side of the restaurant the entire night.

    I really wanted a picture of that shirt. We should start working in tandem to get pictures of assholes.


  5. izziedarling
    Sep 29, 2010 @ 14:15:31

    I LOVE this!


  6. morethananelectrician
    Sep 29, 2010 @ 15:42:39

    “I’m guessing their mothers fucked monkeys and they fell out her ass.”



  7. Nycgirl
    Sep 29, 2010 @ 17:37:14

    Had they actually been funny, the place might have been friendlier.

    It would have been a lot friendlier. But they weren’t funny, so we treated them like the assholes they were.


  8. DarcsFalcon
    Sep 29, 2010 @ 22:29:21

    When I was a little girl, I used to think that grown-ups had grown up at some point in time. As I got older, I realized there were a lot of children in old bodies.

    It’s pretty sad and shameful, really.

    It is sad and shameful. We can only hope these two didn’t make any children.


  9. Catherine
    Sep 30, 2010 @ 09:49:37

    It’s true what they say…. Beauty fades but dumb lasts!

    These people were dumber than dumb.


  10. Hira Animfefte
    Oct 07, 2010 @ 23:50:10

    Those people win the Asshat of the Year Contest.

    But now I am curious. Do Rocky Mountain oysters (yes, I know perfectly well what they are) taste any good, or are they just on the menu as a novelty item? You can’t get them where I come from. (This may be a good thing.)

    I don’t know. I’m allergic to beef so all parts are off limits. I’ve heard they make them from pigs and sheep as well, but I’m not willing to try them. Most people seem to like them.

    Also curious: What would Mythical Hypothetical Ideal Customer be like? How would they order? Lemme guess: They are polite. They know what they want when you come to them (or they tell you they need more time). They keep things snappy and they tip well at the end. Did I leave anything out?

    That’s about right. Funny always helps, too.


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