This Is Why…

Last night I had a table of 3 developmentally disabled people and their two children.  Yes, two people who didn’t learn to tie their shoes until high school have 2 children.  I’m not sure who the other woman was, but when she leaned forward to pick up the kid’s menu from the floor, her pants fell down and I saw more of her than I ever see of myself.  I had to stand at the table with my eyes closed until she got things under control and sat back down.

The mother of the children is named Patricia and I know her family.  They are the reason you don’t pick up a date at the family reunion.  I think Patricia’s mom and dad said, “What the hell.  No one else is going to marry us, so we may as well marry each other.”  They are poster children for why family trees have branches.

Years ago I was at an Eagles state convention when I saw Patricia’s mom walk out of the restroom with her dress tucked into the back of her panty hose.  I debated with myself for a second over whether I should tell her (really?! Can’t she feel that?!) or not (I’ll go to Hell).

Google doesn't allow pictures of fugly dresses, so this is the best I could find.

The dress was a complete monstrosity.  It was some sort of green chiffon number (probably her 1960s prom dress), which was about 4 inches too short.  She completed her ensemble with a pair of worn out tennis shoes and mismatched socks. 

Judging from the get up, she obviously could not feel that something was wrong in the behind region and wanting to save myself from the fiery pits of Hell, I moseyed over and discreetly whispered, “Diane, your dress is tucked in the back of your panty hose.”

“Oh honey,” she said with a wave of her hand, “That happens all the time.”

Huh?!  All the time?!  If it happened to me once I’d never wear a dress again.  I’m so obsessed about not showing my ass it takes until my next pee to leave the restroom.  Once I do, I’m constantly checking any mirrored surface and feeling my backside to make sure everything is where it should be.

And she acted as if it was something out of her control.  Maybe it was her parents who met at the family reunion.  Imagine going through life never knowing how your dress constantly ended up in your panty hose.  Would it be frustrating or bliss?

*********************

Show of hands:  who wants to read my TMI post on long hair?  It really is TOO MUCH INFORMATION, so raise your hand with care.

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10 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. izziedarling
    Nov 11, 2010 @ 17:14:28

    Waving both arms in air!

    Careful now. I don’t want you to hurt yourself.

    Reply

  2. workingtechmom
    Nov 11, 2010 @ 17:55:13

    I would pay to have seen your face when she answered you. 🙂

    I don’t even think I had an expression. It was like all the smart was sucked right out of me.

    (not raising my hand, repeat, not raising my hand for the TMI story)

    Chicken!

    Reply

  3. TheIdiotSpeaketh
    Nov 11, 2010 @ 18:29:21

    Hand raised! Glad I never picked up any dates at family reunions! Too funny!! 🙂

    I tried once, but he was already married to his sister.

    Reply

  4. Katie
    Nov 11, 2010 @ 19:05:07

    Raising my hand and accepting the fact that I may regret it. 🙂

    HAHA! You might.

    Reply

  5. Ahmnodt Heare
    Nov 11, 2010 @ 19:18:07

    I find the situation you were in is a no-win situation. If you tell, they will blame you as if you caused the dress to get caught in the pantyhose. If you don’t tell, you’ll never forgive yourself with the looks she will get. I usually go with the latter.

    I knew I couldn’t live with myself if I didn’t tell her, afterwards it just seemed like a waste of time.

    Please note that my hands are not raised. 🙂

    You might want to skip tomorrow’s post then. It seems I have brave readers.

    Reply

  6. Vodka and Ground Beef
    Nov 11, 2010 @ 23:27:33

    My hand is UP in the AIR, AY-AY-AIR.

    By the way: “Yes, two people who didn’t learn to tie their shoes until high school have 2 children.”

    I’m single, living alone with a borderline cat (it’s a pug), and I have a gym membership, and these people have children? Sweet mother of condiments.

    It is more than a little frightening.

    Reply

  7. DarcsFalcon
    Nov 11, 2010 @ 23:28:50

    Poor Patricia. And Diane! I can’t imagine going through life like that. I have only 2 words for her: garter belt! 😉

    The thing is, they are very sweet people and you can’t help but feel sorry for them, but maybe not knowing is what makes them so sweet.

    Okay, not a fan of TMI but am a fan of long hair, being of that species myself. I halfway raise one had, and reserve the right to click away if my eyes start to cross or roll back into my head too far. 😉

    Thanks for the advance warning! 😀

    I’m posting it tomorrow. Since you have long hair, based on my survey of other long hairs, my post will hit home.

    Reply

  8. wigsf
    Nov 12, 2010 @ 05:03:26

    I’ll raise my hand. I can’t imagine anything too disturbing about long hair. And frankly, if the long hair is running through town strangling people, well, that sounds like a good read, so go ahead.

    You were the King of TMI so you shouldn’t complain. Well, until you quit blogging and left a huge gaping hole in my life.

    Reply

  9. Sherri
    Nov 12, 2010 @ 06:54:01

    *tentatively raises hand*

    Reply

  10. Fuck My Table
    Nov 12, 2010 @ 10:25:20

    What, you didn’t come across this dress in the results?
    http://tinyurl.com/greend1
    Or this one?
    http://tinyurl.com/greend2
    Still not horrible, I guess, but not too great either.

    Oh geez. Those were both hideous.

    I RAISE MY HAND! (Even though you’ve already posted it!)

    Reply

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