Long Hair TMI

Like this, only more.

My hair is out of control.  It is two feet long and hangs to my lower back when wet (it shrinks about 3 inches due to the curl when dry).  I also have a mass of hair.  When I gather it to put in a pony tail, it is 5 inches in diameter.  No matter how you look at it, that’s a lot of hair.

I also shed.  I shed more hair in one day than some people have on their heads.  I embarrass the dogs with my shedding.  I embarrass myself when I look at them and see they are covered in my hair.

I always wanted long hair, but I believed it didn’t grow.  It would get down to just past my shoulders and I would get tired of it and cut it short.  When I started working at the restaurant, I didn’t have time for a hair cut, so I left it alone for about 6 months.  Then, since it was always in a pony tail, I figured why bother spending the money on a style.  Three years later I have hair down to my ass. 

There are lots of things people never tell you.  Yes, I knew long hair clogged drains.  My hair short clogs drains.  A friend who used to work at the restaurant told me what a pain it is to wash two feet of hair everyday, so I was prepared for that.  She also mentioned how you have to wear a bun just right on your head or it will feel like your neck is going to break.  Good to know.

What no one mentioned is how long hair gets everywhere.  And I do mean EVERYWHERE.

A coworker and I were walking through Walmart the other night and she said she felt like she had a hair in her crack.  

“OMG!” I exclaimed.  “I went pee tonight and when I went to flush there was a wad of hair in the toilet.  It either fell out of my underwear or out of my…”

“The same thing happens to me.  I don’t know how it gets there.”

Since then, I’ve asked other coworkers with long hair if their hair ends up in their hootchie.  Uh…yes.  And it’s never just one hair.  It’s a hair and its 20 closest friends with maybe a lint ball for good measure. 

How about I hate you because you're a conceited bitch?

WTF?!  Why isn’t this common knowledge?  Everyone talks about the miseries of child birth, but they never mention a crack full of long hair.  No, it’s all, “Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful,” with a fountain of glossy hair cascading down.  Men love long hair, but (trust me on this one) there are things you can’t do while drunk and chewing gum unless you want a clump of your hair cut out.  The media sells long hair as super sexy.  Celebrities get hair extensions because long hair is hot.

I’ll tell you what’s neither hot nor sexy.   

For all my short haired sisters with long hair envy:  Every time you see some woman with a full head of glorious hair walk past you, you can smirk with the knowledge she’s picking it out of her ass several times a day. 

Or you can just stick gum in it.

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16 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Fuck My Table
    Nov 12, 2010 @ 10:23:39

    SO TRUE. I was lazy during my freshman year of college and let my hair grow out almost to my ass. I had hairs in my crack and cooch ALL THE TIME. My now husband thought it was hilarious.

    I’m glad it’s not just me. At first I thought it was and I was too embarrassed to say anything.

    Bad news? I went in to get it cut once I’d had enough…but I made the mistake of not going to the guy who’s cut my hair for about 7 years. The new dude ignored my shoulder-length request and chopped everything off at about my chin. And let me tell you…I look like a dumbass with short hair. >_<

    I don’t know when I’ll cut my hair, but it will never be short again.

    Reply

  2. Fuck My Table
    Nov 12, 2010 @ 10:24:28

    Whoa, WHAT THE FUCK? NOW IT LETS ME COMMENT???

    I’ve been trying to comment on the last four entries and my comments wouldn’t go through! GRRRR!!!

    Fine, I’m going to at least go back and comment on yesterday’s…

    It’s randomly an asshole like that. It is supposed to hold all new comments for moderation, but it lets some new comments through and holds the comments from people who have already been here.

    Reply

    • Fuck My Table
      Nov 12, 2010 @ 15:03:04

      It didn’t even tell me it would hold it, though…it acted as though it sent, and then it never showed up. That’s why I was like WTF?? 🙂

      Reply

  3. Serenity
    Nov 12, 2010 @ 10:40:44

    Huh, I have really long hair, and I must say, I don’t have that problem. I do, however, have to pull a small dog sized clump of hair out of the bathtub drain every couple of months, and on occasion, have to interrupt my bf’s and my “funtime” bc it has become trapped under me in such a way that I’m in danger of breaking my neck 😀

    I pull a dog sized clump of hair out of my drain EVERY DAY. You are fortunate to not shed as much as I do.

    Reply

  4. thelifeofjamie
    Nov 12, 2010 @ 11:11:54

    I have totally had that problem. I think it balls up on the back of our shirts then falls into the crack of our pants and makes a journey downwards. Very weird feeling and very annoying (and gross!) And my hair is only mid-back!

    I also wondered if it’s hiding on towels and washcloths and gets deposited during the cleaning and drying process. It would explain the lint ball.

    Reply

  5. skippymom
    Nov 12, 2010 @ 11:44:53

    This post just cracked me up. Sorry- I had no idea and I have two daughters that have longggg THICK hair.

    Very funny.

    Ask them about it. They are probably just too embarrassed to say anything. You can laugh at them. 😉

    Reply

  6. izziedarling
    Nov 12, 2010 @ 11:53:16

    Oh my! Had hair down to there until last baby. Last baby is the one we call(ed) Cousin It, she has so much hair, really The Lion Queen. It’s all rather glamorous, but I don’t believe I can ask her if she has dust bunnies in her bum. Other daughter has cut hers 3 x for Locks of Love. I guess you’ll have to give up gum and panties. Yikes! Still, I’m envious, sitting here with my pixie do. 😦

    You should ask her. It will give you something to laugh at. Pixie dos are very under-rated.

    Reply

  7. Sherri
    Nov 12, 2010 @ 12:24:02

    Same problem. I guess I’m sensitive like a princess, because one hair in my crack makes me crazy until I pull it out. I pull out several a day, probably. I’m at home most of the time and therefore have the luxury of keeping my crack hair-free. You’re probably too busy to notice. I do find wads of hair in the carpet and in the laundry, and I’m constantly picking them off my clothes.

    Oh, I notice, but I’m usually too busy to do anything about it. I walk around asking, “WTF?!” until I can make a break for the restroom.

    Once my husband went to pee at work and found one of my hairs wrapped tight around his you-know-what. He hasn’t let me forget how my shedding almost cut off his blood supply.

    HAHAHAHA! The same thing happened with my ex-husband. I wish it would have worked.

    Reply

  8. wigsf
    Nov 12, 2010 @ 12:26:10

    My hair once broke a washing machine.

    So far my hair hasn’t clogged up the washing machine. I don’t know how it hasn’t.

    Reply

  9. DarcsFalcon
    Nov 12, 2010 @ 13:34:57

    Hahahahahaha! I knew it was going to be about this! LOL

    I can’t say I’ve ever had the clump problem like you describe, but I have had the errant straggler make itself known. That single hair can make for quite an interesting experience! 😉 Whhhoooo, what the he–? Oh.”

    The single hair is kinda fun, but the clump is outright nasty.

    Reply

  10. Ahmnodt Heare
    Nov 12, 2010 @ 14:34:03

    I had a feeling it was going to be something like this, I know you gave the TMI alert yesterday, but like a car wreck, I just couldn’t turn away.

    As a presidential candidate you need to know all the issues.

    Reply

  11. Sparty Girl
    Nov 12, 2010 @ 14:49:45

    I would never have guessed. Never growing the hair out now. Ick.

    HAHAHA! I would never have guessed either. It is ick.

    Reply

  12. Hira Animfefte
    Nov 12, 2010 @ 20:45:52

    Yeah, I’ve had long hair for years (recently got it cut for Longs of Love, growing it out again), and hair-in-the-crack happened all the time. By the time I cut it, it had grown down to my waist. The errant hair thing was the kind of thing I’d complain to my late bf about, because I would tell him anything. (Memory Eternal!) But not the internet at large. Er, until now. *whistles…*

    It really isn’t something you tell everyone and I debated on it for days, then I thought ‘oh well, what the hell?’

    Also, I got one of those hair drain protector thingies because my hair sheddage kept blocking the shower drain.

    I had one of those and it worked really well, but it got so nasty I threw it away. I need to get another.

    I’m still growing my hair back out, because I prefer it that way. 🙂

    This is the longest mine’s ever been and I really like it, hair in crack and all.

    Reply

  13. Jamie
    Nov 12, 2010 @ 20:59:41

    ha ha it’s so true, and Dex is always bitching because he gets hair stuck in his goodies too- my hair that is. lol!

    HAHAHA! Way TMI, Jamie.

    Reply

  14. TheIdiotSpeaketh
    Nov 14, 2010 @ 15:36:09

    I am about wet my pants with the Hair in the Hoochie comment!!! LMAO!!! That is priceless!!! 🙂

    Just be happy you don’t have long hair. You wouldn’t think it was so funny.

    Reply

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