I’m Sorry, I CAN’T HEAR YOU!

Last night I had a couple who had me so flustered I wanted to punch them.

I thought I saw Cora seat three people, but there were only two people at the table when I poured water.  I asked if there were two or three people in their party.  The guy said, “Just because I didn’t want to wear my coat and I put it on the seat doesn’t mean there are three people with us.”  Uh…okay.  A simple “Two” would have sufficed, but go ahead and put me in my place.

We were just a little busy so the restaurant was noisy.  I stopped to get their order and neither of them would speak loud enough for me to hear.  I had to ask them to repeat their order several times, so that should be a clue that I CAN’T FUCKING HEAR YOU!  She whispered that she wanted a top sirloin, well done with grilled mushrooms and onions and a side of ksdafjlkj.  My brain processed it as a side of ranch since people think ranch goes with everything.  He ordered a ribeye, medium well, with grilled mushrooms and onions, fries and Cole slaw.

I took their food out along with a basket of corn nuggets, and when I set the food down he threw the Cole slaw on the table, pointed at the basket of corn nuggets in my hand and yelled, “THAT BETTER BE MY OTHER SIDE OF FRIES!” 

Oh so, now you find your fucking voice. 

I pointed to the fries on his plate and she yelled, “HE ORDERED DOUBLE FRIES, NO SLAW.”  Here’s a news flash:  Cole slaw doesn’t come with everything.  If you don’t want it, don’t mention it.

Then she rolled her eyes at me like I was retarded.

The fight was pretty much on after that.

She screeched, “WHERE’S MY MAYONNAISE?”  If you would speak up, it would be on your plate.

He had to wait for more fries and every time I walked by his table he bellowed, “WHERE ARE MY FRIES?”  If they were up your ass, you’d know.

My entire section knew what pricks these people were being and people were patting me as I walked by.  I know my face was a mask of rage and I worried I was going to kill one of them.  Of course, they complained that “the service could have been better”.  Yeah, it could have been if you weren’t such assholes.  Funny, my other 8 tables didn’t have any complaints, but they weren’t douchebags.


15 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Ahmnodt Heare
    Jan 25, 2011 @ 13:44:43

    I’ll come to Wyoming and punch them if you’d like. (I am saying this as a person who hasn’t struck a person in his adult life.)

    I’ll hold them for you.


  2. Mark (The Idiot)
    Jan 25, 2011 @ 14:13:47

    Are most of these morons tourists or locals? I hope for your sake they are just passing through….. If these two show up again you really need to enlist the cooks to do some sadistic things to their steaks before they send them out….. 🙂

    These two are locals. 😦 I plan to never have them in my section again.


  3. skippymom
    Jan 25, 2011 @ 14:49:00

    I’ll form a posse with Ahmnodt.

    We can figure out how to hit ’em together. ;D

    We can have punching lessons in the parking lot. Remember, I’m thinking of setting up a cage fighting arena.


  4. DarcsFalcon
    Jan 25, 2011 @ 15:24:00

    I hate close-talkers. They’re always masking that explosively loud side.

    They were creepy people and I knew they were going to be trouble. Sure enough, I was right.


  5. izziedarling
    Jan 25, 2011 @ 15:25:50

    Count me in the posse; until we get there, when these rude f*&^s act up, just stand there with a blank stare or burst into fake tears and cry really loud. Public humilation might snap them into shape. You really don’t need to worry, karma will chew them up and spit them out.

    I don’t think karma wastes it’s time on people like them.


  6. YFNB
    Jan 25, 2011 @ 16:08:29

    Hey I’ve nominated you for the LOL award! Read about it on my blog. – Your Friendly Neighborhood Barista

    Thank you so much! I have to pick out my gown and write my acceptance speech!


  7. leaner
    Jan 25, 2011 @ 16:35:41

    I had a very pretty friend once that always did this. She talked so softly no one could hear her, and you had to strain to listen. You had to be very attentive to her every utterence in order to have a conversation with her. It was an affectation, to get attention, because she didn’t do it all the time. I stopped talking to her years ago and recently she wrote to tell me she was divorced for the second time, lost custody of her kids because of her drug addictions, lost her house and was struggling financially.
    Maybe she will learn how to deal with people in a decent and moral way now. I doubt it. But here’s the thing, nobody is going to strain to hear what a broke ass middle aged meth head has to say! What? did you say you need money? sorry! I can’t hear you!

    Ages ago when I thought I wanted to be a teacher, I mentored under this guy who was so out of touch with the kids, it was laughable. He whispered so they would have to listen to him. Too bad 14 year olds don’t give a shit about what any adult, let alone a teacher, is saying. All his efforts at manipulation failed and his classes were utter chaos.

    Low talking only works when someone cares to listen. When my section is full, I’m not playing any bullshit games. Speak up or have your dinner ruined.


  8. DarcKnyt
    Jan 25, 2011 @ 19:56:03

    Mumblers, low-talkers and mush-mouths, OH MY!

    They drive me insane.

    It’s fine if you’re under 10 years old. Otherwise, speak up!


  9. Fuck My Table
    Jan 25, 2011 @ 23:21:25

    Jesus Christ. Mumblers top my list as most annoying, right before “idiots” and “misbehaving children”. Can I join this posse?

    You are welcome to join. We can all have lunch afterwards.

    In other news, I’ve awarded you the LOL Award and it’s now your turn to pass the torch. Instructions are on my blog. You know the way.

    Thank you! I will pick out my gown and accept the award tomorrow! Hopefully, I get tomorrow off. I think I’m going on 14 straight days, but I stopped counting.


  10. The Restaurant Manager
    Jan 26, 2011 @ 00:20:07

    I hate people like that!

    “Oh so, now you find your fucking voice.” <– This right here was laugh out loud funny! Great Blog!

    Thank you! It would have been funnier if I could have said it out loud.


  11. wigsf
    Jan 26, 2011 @ 04:56:44

    I’m surprised they didn’t ask you to wear a puffy shirt.

    I wouldn’t have heard them if they had. 🙂


  12. Hira Animfefte
    Jan 26, 2011 @ 11:57:44

    I want in on the posse action!

    Do join in! There’s free lunch afterwards. And while I have a posse…I have some other business we can take care of.


  13. thejerbear
    Jan 26, 2011 @ 19:52:07

    I want in on a free lunch. Plus you get to kick somebody in the balls? I’m in.

    Admit it, it’s the kicking in the balls that really interests you.

    Thanks for stopping by and taking the time to comment!


  14. An Educated Server
    Jan 26, 2011 @ 22:40:23

    I hate these types of people too! They have to know that you can’t hear them…and I know if someone asked me to repeat something more than twice, common sense would kick in and I would speak up at least a little. People are a mess!

    People shouldn’t be allowed out without supervision.


  15. Armond
    Jan 27, 2011 @ 07:47:42

    Dear god I fucking love you! this is my first time on your site (thanks to fuckmytable) and I LOL’ed

    I had two people like that last week and I wanted to fucking scream at them

    Well, thank you!

    Sometimes I think we need to lead by example and scream at low talkers. Maybe then they’d take a fucking hint.


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