I Have No Title

Last Saturday night I was in Section 2 (farthest section from the kitchen, all big tables) and by 7:30 I was beat.  I didn’t know how I was going to take one more step, and I felt like having a tired crying jag.  At 3 minutes before 8, I noticed a drunk guy at the register.  He was holding a glass of beer and doing what resembled a pee-pee dance.  I heard him ask Cora if we would seat a party of 10 and since it wasn’t 8pm yet, the answer was yes.  Then another bleary eyed guy joined him and asked if he should bring all the kids in.

Shit.

Not only was it my turn, but I had the only tables which would fit all of them.  I gave the second guy the I’m-dead-tired-please-take-pity-on-me-and-go-somewhere-else look, but he couldn’t interpret it through his beer goggles.  So I got 5 drunk adults and 5 bawling kids 5 minutes after close.  Yay for me.

I got their drinks, took their order, called it in to the cooks, and made their salads.  At 20 minutes after 8, I noticed one of the guys at the food window.  He was telling the dumbfounded cooks to cancel their order.  The cooks already had the steaks on the charbroiler, so what the hell were they going to do with those?  They all looked at me like I knew what the hell was going on.  Guess again.

I convinced the guy to stay since 1. their table was already a mess, 2. I was holding all their salads, 3.  the food was cooking, 4. I knew there was no way in hell I was getting a tip on just drinks and a bunch of ruined food, and be damned, I WAS GETTING A TIP.

I took the salads out and the pee-pee dance guy was missing.  He was at the register paying for his beer.  Shit.

What ensued after that was the biggest clusterfuck I’ve ever seen.  Two people left to console Pee-Pee Dancer in the parking lot.  One woman sat at the table and cried.  One guy tried to quiet all the bawling kids.  I stood there and wondered who had a gun.

The guy who originally tried to cancel the order came back to the table, said, “Fuck him,” and ate his salad.  The not-crying woman stood at the food window and told the cooks how sorry she was for keeping them late.  Over.  And over.  And over.  The cooks called me to start taking food out and to get her the hell out of the window, but she turned her attention on me and apologized.  Over.  And over.  And over.  Then she told me she was a waitress.  Bullfuckingshit.  If you were, you wouldn’t be standing here taking up my time and letting the food get cold. 

I delivered the food to the table and instead of eating, the “waitress” went back outside to talk to Pee-Pee Dancer who caused more trouble and wasted more of my time by leaving than if he had sat his drunk ass down and ate.  The crying woman choked down her food in about 3 minutes, and she and her husband split.  The other guy shoveled food into the kids with one hand while shoveling food into his own mouth with the other, and he split after about 10 minutes.  The “waitress” sat at the table, by herself, for 20 minutes after everyone else left.  She even ordered a second glass of wine.

In the end, I got a $40 guilt tip from them and an example of drunken family fun.  Did I mention the guys were brothers?  Yep, family reunion.  Good times, good times.  And hey, it wasn’t even 9 o’clock yet!  Still lots of time for the dysfunctional family feud.

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11 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Chunky Mama
    Feb 19, 2011 @ 02:35:40

    Please tell me there was a sober adult driving the kids around.

    I think they were staying at one of the hotels next door.

    Reply

  2. wigsf
    Feb 19, 2011 @ 06:11:55

    Reading the about the dysfunctional inbreds who eat at your establishment makes me feel better about my own dysfunctional family. I used to think we were fucked up. Not even close. Phew!

    Hahaha! It works the same for me. When you take a look around at what else is out there, you feel pretty good about yourself.

    Reply

  3. Anton
    Feb 19, 2011 @ 08:43:02

    Ahh, good times. Makes me so glad I don’t talk to my family any more.

    I find my family and I get along better the less we see of each other.

    Reply

  4. TheIdiotSpeaketh
    Feb 19, 2011 @ 09:42:21

    You should have plopped down and had a few glasses of wine with her….Lord knows you deserved every bit of that $40! 🙂

    I’ve noticed lately that once I start drinking, it’s impossible to stop until either all the booze is gone or I fall over. There are a lot of issues around me.

    Reply

  5. izziedarling
    Feb 19, 2011 @ 13:45:54

    SOME PEOPLE SHOULDN’T DRINK … unless they leave you $40 tips. Shit!

    I wish I could have followed them back to their hotel rooms. I’m sure shit got real after they left.

    Reply

  6. Ashley Weber
    Feb 19, 2011 @ 15:20:09

    Oh. my. goodness.

    Hilarious but horrible.

    I love the names you gave everyone ha.

    It was hilarious since it wasn’t my family.

    Reply

  7. Sparty Girl
    Feb 19, 2011 @ 15:38:51

    Just when I think I’ve heard it all…

    That’s what I think…and they I get new customers.

    Reply

  8. DarcsFalcon
    Feb 21, 2011 @ 01:32:25

    Wow! What a night! What a family! At least a guilt tip is better than no tip.

    One day some film maker is going to sit in your restaurant with a camera and just film all the stuff that happens there. You’ll be rich and famous. 🙂

    Or I will be the insane one rocking in the corner.

    Reply

  9. Jim S.
    Feb 26, 2011 @ 20:21:29

    Yes, sounds like you had a horrid night. Your party of ten? That’s their lives, night after night after…

    I sorta believe that. Once a train wreck, always a train wreck.

    Tired feet and all, you’re the lucky one.

    Yeah, my family keeps their dysfunction at home.

    Thanks for stopping by and taking the time to comment!

    Reply

  10. workingtechmom
    Mar 04, 2011 @ 09:33:25

    Out of this world. Did you ever figure out what set off the dynamics? Maybe waitress girl wants to work with you, you should have offered her a job. imagine the fun she would bring to your place of work every day!

    I think booze, lots and lots of booze, set them off. Drunk people don’t behave well in public.

    Uh…no job for her. I work with enough problems.

    Reply

  11. Hira Animfefte
    Mar 10, 2011 @ 09:36:34

    Oy! Bringin’ out the crazy. At least you got a nice tip out of it! That was world-champion waitressing there. I’m starting to think there should be an Olympics for it or something.

    ❤ you! 🙂

    They have bartender competitions here (you usually need big boobs), but never waitressing competitions. I might have to set something up.

    Reply

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