Donations Please!

I seldom ask for help.  That is one of my biggest shortcomings.  But the time has come, Dear Readers, to beg for some assistance.

Three out of four days when I go to work, DoucheBob, the dishwasher, is in the salad bar room, bent over one of the coolers showing off his crack.  Old man crack. 

I would take a picture, but it's just too horrifying.

For reasons unknown to me, DoucheBob is a big hit with reasonably attractive women 20 years younger than he is.  Maybe he can lick his eyebrows.  Maybe I don’t care to ever find out, but it disturbs me that I’ve seen more of DoucheBob’s ass than I saw of my kids’ asses.

All the cooks wear baggy pants, HOWEVER, they also wear underwear.  I’ve never seen a cook’s ass crack.  Okay, that’s a lie.  One time Zach came to work wearing pants with gigantic holes in the butt.  I chanted, “I see London, I see France, I see Zach’s not wearing underpants.”  That was enough to get him to borrow money and go to Walmart for some drawers.

Today I was in the waitstation while DoucheBob mopped the hallway from the salad bar room to the waitstation.  I was “treated” to so much ass crack, I thought I was going to see saggy old man balls.  

That’s just wrong.  Not wanting to be the only one traumatized for the night, I told another server to look down the hall.  She nearly fainted.  I’m a giver, what can I say.

So now I’m asking my readers to give:  I need boxers or tidy whities.  No banana hammocks, ding slings or briefs.  I don’t care if they are new or used.  I don’t care if they are from the 10 cent box at the Salvation Army.  I’d even settle for a belt, because if he won’t wear it I’ll at least have something to hang myself with.  I have to stop seeing that man’s ass.


8 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. cakefaerie
    Mar 26, 2011 @ 01:30:16

    I feel your pain!! We had a young girl working in the cafe’ kitchen and was wearing very low waist jeans. When she was taking stuff out of dishwasher you could see at least 3″ of her crack! I mean people coming for lunch dont need to have an eyeful of your lacy thong! (Yes I know, at least she was wearing underwear but too small for her butt).She left after 2 days of work. She had asked when her day off would be after 35minutes of working in there. The boss and myself said at the same time “you are not getting any”…and just started laughing.

    That’s one of the first things we tell new hires: We don’t want to see your ass crack or your thong. Buy bigger pants.


  2. zmanowner
    Mar 26, 2011 @ 10:06:13

    …I would have to pour acid in my eyes (dont recommend that)..gonna run down to the five and dime store..they have a sale Used britches from the 70’s. I hear paul newman wore them in the sweatiest movie ever made…nothing like used britches with swampass back in a bit…zman sends

    I’m sure DoucheBob already has swampass stains. All donations are appreciated!


  3. skippymom
    Mar 26, 2011 @ 17:35:28

    Douchebob made me laugh. But not the crack part. I couldn’t imagine working in a restaurant without underclothes…or working with someone who didn’t wear them. ick.

    Well, that is another thing to consider. He makes salads without proper undergarments. There is a reason I don’t eat off the salad bar.


  4. Fuck My Table
    Mar 26, 2011 @ 22:33:00

    Oh. My. God. I laughed so hard when I reached the last paragraph that I choked on my own spit. My dog cocked his head to the side wondering what the holy fuck sent me into the giggles.

    Glad I could help.

    I worked with a girl whose jeans consistently showed one or two inches of crack. Management would suggest she fix it, but never forced her to. Which sucked because she was also a closer and often had to bend down to clean thing up…which of course increased the crack on display. Ugh. I feel your pain.

    I worked with a young lady who had a real skewed sense of self. I always think I’m bigger than I am, she thought she was much smaller than she was. Her clothes were always about 4 sizes too small and I saw more of her stretch-marked, whale blubber hide than I ever wanted to. Honestly, I’d rather look at DoucheBob’s ass than hers.

    If he’s the same size as my husband I’ll send an old pair of his underwear. Heheh!! 😉

    I’d say he wears about a medium.


  5. DarcsFalcon
    Mar 27, 2011 @ 21:07:00

    Why in the world do people think that’s sexy or appealing? Good Lord! People are so nasty sometimes! Nobody wants to see that!

    I’m not sure if he thinks it’s sexy and is trolling (haha) for chicks or if he knows it’s disturbing and doesn’t give a shit. I’m thisclose to complaining to Darren.


  6. Rachel
    Mar 29, 2011 @ 05:41:19

    Ack, that sounds like something that would make me gouge my eyes out! We had a hostess with a similiar problem a few months back…the twit would wear shirts so low you could see half her boobs. If she bent over, you could stare all the way to her belly button. And then she wondered why the token creepy guy at our restaurant was always asking to ‘crash at her house’ after work. What is it with restaurants and employees who just HAVE to show off *all* of themselves to the world?

    Any nudity around food grosses me out beyond belief, yet I’ve seen more ass crack and sweater puppies in food service than at any other job. Yak!


  7. Ahmnodt Heare
    Mar 29, 2011 @ 14:59:16

    One way to break the crack habit is to place shaved ice down the crack. That will teach ’em!

    I don’t want to get that close.


  8. TheIdiotSpeaketh
    Mar 30, 2011 @ 10:22:01

    How about some “A-Team” Underoos? 🙂

    Sounds good to me 🙂


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