Cruising the Aisles at Walmart

I don’t spend a lot of money on myself, but I do like to reward myself on occasion.  The only clothes I buy have the name of the restaurant on them, which is sad because I don’t go anywhere to need decent clothes.  I like earrings, but the selection around here is pretty limited.  Household items aren’t rewards.  So that leaves me with hair care products.  I LOVE hair care products…shampoo, conditioner, gel, mousse, conditioning treatments, colour, you name it, I LOVE it.

My hair care products of choice are made by Nexxus.  I swear by it, I recommend it to everyone, I should own stock in the company.  I’ve tried tons of different shampoos & conditioners, and there isn’t anything better than Nexxus.  However, I like to mix things up.  I like different scents and seeing what different products will do with my unruly mass of hair.  One thing is certain though, if I notice that the ends of my hair are brittle, the product goes in the ‘free’ bin at work no matter what I paid for it.  I will not tolerate dry, crunchy hair.

So last night, I was wandering around Walmart, feeling a little low, and I decided to treat myself to some hair stuff.  The first thing I found was a deep conditioning treatment called Henna N Placenta.  Whaaat?!  I read the package:

  • Strengthens and repairs dry, brittle, lifeless hair
  • Will not change hair color
  • Natures most complete conditioning treatment
  • Ideal for extremely damaged hair
  • Extra-rich super strength

An extra rich formula combining two of nature’s most complete hair conditioners… neutral henna and natural placenta. Together for the first time to quickly repair and strengthen dry, brittle, lifeless hair. Will not change hair color. The result is ravishingly beautiful hair with manageability you never before thought possible. Placenta extract , derived from animal placenta, is combined with amino proteins to revitalize and protect every hair type.

I nearly threw up.  I don’t care how you dress it up, or what type of fancy pants rhyming name you give it, it’s AFTERBIRTH and AFTERBIRTH looks like this:

I’ve seen more than my share of AFTERBIRTH laying out in my parent’s corrals covered in cow shit and flies.  There is no fucking way anything like that is going in my hair.  Barf.

I picked out Samy shampoo & conditioner because they smell like oranges, and some Samy Big Curls gel because it didn’t leave a sticky residue when it squirted up my nose.  These products were pretty cheap so I’m not holding out much hope for them, but the scent will be a nice change once a week.

Then I wandered over to the clearance aisle because, every now and then, I find half price Nexxus products.  Did I mention how expensive this shit is?  I spend $30 a month on conditioner alone.  There were tons of perfumes on clearance.  I hate perfume and wonder why every celebrity has to have their own scent.  What does perfume by Lindsay Lohan or Paris Hilton smell of?  I’m guessing it’s bar smoke, cocaine, entitlement and dirty sex.  No thanks.

Then I noticed this little gem:

I believe in truth in advertising.  Notice the pictures of the men using the Back & Body Extendable Groomer.  They don’t need it.  This guy does:


This guy doesn’t:

But what is going to sell more products?  It’s like women’s girdle ads:

She doesn’t need one.

She does.

Who are you going to buy from?  Frankly, if I’m looking for a girdle I want to see the fat girl so I get a better idea of what it will do for me.  There’s no girdle in the world that will make me look like the first picture…unless it comes with free liposuction, a nutritionist and a personal trainer.  Likewise, the Back & Body groomer should show pictures of what it really can do rather than what the customer wants it to do.



20 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Ahmnodt Heare
    Apr 20, 2011 @ 13:49:46

    Before I buy exercise equipment endorsed by a well-built person, I want to see pictures of that person before he or she started using the equipment. If the person looks the same, then I would conclude the product did nothing to improve his or her body.

    Exactly. I want to see a change before I shell out the money.


  2. Fuck My Table
    Apr 20, 2011 @ 14:05:27

    Damn, quit posting photos of David on here or my husband’s going to start asking why I’ve been drooling all over the keyboard for 20 minutes straight. He is smokin’ hot, I can’t help it!

    HAHAHAHA! When I’m having a bad day, Cora says, “David Boreanaz,” and suddenly I have an absent minded smile on my face.

    I like the “all natural” Garnier Fructis stuff for a cost-effective yet good-smelling hair product. Aussie stuff smells great too.
    And you may laugh, but my husband uses Dove. He loves it. And I tried it…ended up switching to Dove body wash, too! They have all sorts of awesome scents and the Dove stuff really hydrates my hair (when I run out of mine and start using my husband’s). I have problems with dry frizzy hair so I absolutely love that stuff.

    Garnier and Dove products aren’t thick enough to hold my hair in place and my ends start feeling crunchy after a few days of using them. I like the smell of Aussie, but again, crunchy ends after a few days.


  3. watergirl
    Apr 20, 2011 @ 14:13:49

    Nexxus Humectress is awesome stuff.

    I use it as a leave in, hence the $30/mo cost for conditioner.

    I have to agree with you, FMT. It’s ridiculous when a product uses an image or spokesperson who clearly doesn’t NEED the product.



  4. Sparty Girl
    Apr 20, 2011 @ 15:29:45

    Of course it is ridiculous when ads show a person who doesn’t need the product. But you all are reasonable, thinking individuals. Advertising is for the massess… and the massess believe that THEY are going to look like that when they use the girdle, back shaver, etc. It works, or advertisers wouldn’t keep doing it. Just like selling something for $19.99 instead of $20 works. People are stupid.

    People are stupid. Advertisers need to sell you one item. They don’t care if you are a repeat customer or not.


  5. Anton
    Apr 20, 2011 @ 16:09:58

    I love earrings. I have way more than I probably actually need. I have one of those little metal display racks to hang them up on so it is like a giant mobile.

    I don’t have a ton of earrings, but I have quite a few. They are one of my favourite splurges.

    Still creeped out by the placenta hair product. UGH. I thought the posts on STFU Parents about people eating their placentas in smoothies or whatnot were the worst, but I think now that putting animal placenta on your head is actually the worst. Between this and FMT’s tarantulas my nightmares will be full this week.

    I talked about this at work tonight and a couple people said they’ve used the product. I could only stare at them and make the puke face.

    Oh, and HELLO! I saw what came out of me after my kids were born and all I can say is, ‘Ain’t no fucking way!’


  6. TheIdiotSpeaketh
    Apr 20, 2011 @ 16:27:53

    I had to really fight back my natural reflex to totally hurl all over the keyboard at the mere sight of three of these photos! It’s easy to pick out which ones made me sick! Thanks! 🙂

    Sooo…you liked the picture of the cow in the pasture? HAHAHA! Sorry.


  7. theblonde
    Apr 20, 2011 @ 17:49:46

    Garnier Fructis always does awesome stuff for my hair – and it sure needs it after all the bleaching I put it through. Plus, it smells amazing and I can get it at this discount place near me, 2 for $5 on all their products.

    It doesn’t work for me. Day one with the Samy products and I must say I’m pretty impressed.

    Also, I was waiting for an e-mail from you about password-protected posts! if you get the chance!

    Sorry, I forgot. 😦


  8. Rachel
    Apr 20, 2011 @ 18:08:25

    OK, this isn’t exactly pertinent to the message of your post…but the guy in the second photo is totally hot, and the bathtub water he is in looks disgusting. Seriuosly, did he pee in it or something? It completely destroys his allure.

    It’s David Boreanaz from Buffy, Angel & Bones. To be totally honest, I never noticed he was in water.


    • Rachel
      Apr 21, 2011 @ 16:39:04

      Oh. Shows how much I keep up with pop culture.

      I don’t pay attention either and then one day I notice all the weird stuff and wonder what the world’s coming to.


  9. Chunky Mama
    Apr 20, 2011 @ 18:12:06

    Ok, so the picture of David makes me forgive you for all the others. BUT JUST BARELY.
    Good thing he’s so hot. 😀

    HAHAHA! Sorry, but I was going for disgusting. Maybe I should have started with a disclaimer.


  10. DarcKnyt
    Apr 20, 2011 @ 18:14:42

    Can’t sell a product by what it can do. Only what the customer WANTS it to do. Look at that pitchman Vince. He’s selling crap. But he makes the crap sound like just what the people want and they buy it.

    Also, ick.

    All they need to do is get everyone to buy one.


  11. skippymom
    Apr 20, 2011 @ 20:24:56

    Three things made me throw up:
    The placenta
    The back hair
    And the other that I am not allowed to say because I wouldn’t be politically correct because I wouldn’t want to hwurt the fwellings.

    Since when is anyone politically correct here?

    Wow. Stay out of Walhole.

    I wish I could, but it’s the only place open when I get off work.


  12. DarcsFalcon
    Apr 20, 2011 @ 23:07:17

    I heard about some company using placenta in their hair care products about 30 years ago and was grossed out then. I thought the practice was stopped or outlawed or something, but clearly it wasn’t. Yeee-uck!

    I knew Nu-Skin was made from human placentas back in the 80s, and I was shocked at how many adults didn’t know what a freaking placenta was. Again, NO FREAKING WAY!! I think they had to switch to animal placentas sometime in the late 80s, but who knows since they aren’t a US based company.

    I don’t have a problem with hairy guys but that one is perhaps a bit much. Still though, I think back stubble would be worse than back hair.

    I have less of an issue with back hair than I did in my twenties, but I think I would prefer stubble over being able to comb and braid it.


    • DarcsFalcon
      Apr 21, 2011 @ 12:59:04

      Nu-skin! Oh my gosh, there’s a name I haven’t heard in ages!

      Not sure what it was – Walgreen’s had it too. I remember freaking out that someone would actually put that in a hair care product. I thought it was a joke at first, until I went down and checked out the label myself. *shudder*

      Someone was selling it here door to door. I was in my early 20s & when I read the label I nearly crapped myself. The saleslady was raving about the benefits of human placenta & didn’t even know what it was. Yuck!


  13. wigsf
    Apr 21, 2011 @ 05:15:26

    Great thing about shopping at Wal-Mart. No matter how low you feel, just walking through the store, you see somebody so low that you feel like a million bucks.

    No matter the hour as well.

    And I’ve heard that human placenta is great on hair.

    Yes, Yellowcat, I said human.

    If it’s at Wal-Mart, you can be sure it’s made in China. And what does China have a lot of? People. People breed. They got use that leftover placenta for something.
    “Hey Chang, what we gonna do with extra placenta?”
    “Oh, sell it to America. Call it shampoo. They buy anything there.”

    Somehow, I believe that. In the last several years the Chinese have poisoned our pets, our kids and our toothpaste. Human placenta would be a step up.


  14. mrgee
    Apr 21, 2011 @ 07:27:11

    So much for enjoying that breakfast of mine… 🙂

    🙂 Sorry.


  15. izziedarling
    Apr 23, 2011 @ 15:59:03

    Oh, this is great. The cow photo made me skip dinner. BUT, when I had really long hair, I used those placenta things and they are good. Seriously. Right now, am letting hair grow a bit (am in Justin Beiber period)and I’ll tell you, I’d rather use placenta than EVER let a girdle squeeze my guts out. Just sayin’

    Girdles can kiss my fat, happy ass. Some of my co-workers have used the placenta stuff and they think it’s great. Not happening for me.


  16. KathyBH
    Apr 23, 2011 @ 22:37:05

    This one, with the picture of the cow, had me literally LOL which doesn’t happen often. Thank you so much.

    Glad I could help!

    Thanks for stopping by and taking the time to comment!


  17. Hira Animfefte
    Apr 25, 2011 @ 08:01:36

    I thought “hot guy” when I saw the David Boreanaz picture, but I didn’t recognize him! He’s so much younger and has facial hair. And no shirt. On Bones he has no facial hair and keeps his shirt on. He’s still smokin’ though.

    That photo is from his Buffy/Angel days. I think he should be required to take his shirt off at least once in every Bones episode.

    On the placenta: Ew. Likewise on the cow placenta picture. I grew up in suburbia, I was not exposed to cow placentas…Maybe I should be glad…

    There are many reasons to be glad you didn’t grow up in the country.


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