Crop Dusted

Crop dusting is free, but everything else is overpriced.

Long story short, my friend Sunni wears big gaudy earrings and the woman who owns the gift shop across from the new restaurant bitches about them every time she comes in to eat.  One night she told Sunni she should go to her store and buy some decent earrings.  Sunni told her, “If you don’t like my earrings, I can guarantee I won’t like what you’re selling.”

To annoy Sunni, I decided to go across the street and buy some cool earrings.  My plan was to wait for her to be envious and ask where I got them.  Yeah, we have that kind of relationship. 

I was standing in an aisle, trying to decide between two pairs of earrings when a woman walked by.  A toxic green cloud of gas followed behind her.  I gagged, and without thinking, shouted, “Holy cow!  Did you shit your pants?”  The woman turned around and glared at me and I realized it was the owner of the gift shop.

Even though I was pretty offended, I still bought the earrings and went to work.  When Sunni got there I had to tell her the crop dusting story, and therefore ruined any chance for envy.  She insisted I tell the owners, which I did and everyone had a good hard laugh.

Not 10 minutes after I told the story, the store owner came into the restaurant to order something to go.  She saw me and nearly fell over.  Of course, everyone had a lot of trouble keeping a straight face and she barely made it out the door before Sunni and I started giggling.

Honestly, she had some cool earrings, but I don’t appreciate getting crop dusted.  I doubt I’ll go back.  I also have a tendency to wear gaudy earrings, and it’s a matter of time before she starts nagging me about visiting her store for something better.  I wonder what I will say when the time comes…

Keep it to yourself, lady.


10 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. DarcsFalcon
    May 26, 2011 @ 21:43:39

    I don’t believe I have ever heard that term for what you describe. Out here we call those, “SBD” – silent but deadly. I can say however, that I once knew someone who was quite proud of his ability to do that at will. He would giggle with glee and then wait further down the aisle to see his victims reactions. 🙄

    It’s a food service term. My roommate talked about crop dusting one night and I gave him the open mouth stare until we clarified what he meant. He meant the airplane thing.


  2. Hira Animfefte
    May 26, 2011 @ 22:06:47

    Yeah, we call it Silent But Deadly too. That there is a stinkbomb. I am surprised the proprietor was not embarrased…Perhaps she was thinking “he who smelt it, dealt it?”

    Ew. Ew. Yech.

    Lady needs some Beano. Or Gas-X. Or both.

    She probably didn’t see me. I hope she cleaned her pants out after that.

    ….But what were the earrings like? What color? Shape? Etc, etc, etc? 🙂

    They are a rainbow spiral with black dangle things. Sunni calls them my lesbian earrings. I like rainbows.


  3. Chunky Mama
    May 26, 2011 @ 23:42:45

    OMG. I love this. You CRACK ME UP!!

    Glad you can laugh at my misfortune. 🙂


  4. watergirl
    May 27, 2011 @ 00:05:33

    heheheh – I’ll be curious to see if she ever sits in your section. 🙂


    Me too. I can keep my mouth shut for only so long.


  5. wigsf
    May 27, 2011 @ 05:00:40

    I knew it! I knew women farted too! It can’t be just the men. This is the happiest day of my life.

    She didn’t fart, she shit her pants. I’m sure of it.


  6. thelifeofjamie
    May 27, 2011 @ 07:17:20

    welcome to my world. I am cropdusted about a zillion times a day by my husband!

    I hate that.


  7. tipsfortips
    May 27, 2011 @ 07:54:05

    Crop dusting is still a highly effective method for ecouraging a table who has stayed 30 minutes after they have paid the bill to leave. You have to crop dust after they pay though. It is bad form to crop dust a potential customer.

    Oh yeah. You don’t want to lose a tip over bad gas.


  8. Rachel
    May 27, 2011 @ 20:23:10

    Wow. Resorting to obnoxious advert techniques to get local waitresses to come to her store, then gassing you once you’re there. Where did that chic get her MBA?

    If she’s so offended by Sunni’s earrings, she should offer her a free pair otherwise she should shut her mouth. Crop dusting me proves she doesn’t have any manners.

    And getting cropdusted is the worst.


  9. DarcKnyt
    May 28, 2011 @ 09:37:10

    “Crop dusting” eh? New to me. But it’s very effective and a pretty good descriptor. I’ll have to keep it in my repertoire. Maybe soon it will migrate beyond the restaurant confines and find its way into the mainstream. Won’t you be proud then? 😉

    Have a great holiday weekend.

    Everyone should know about crop dusting. 🙂


  10. izziedarling
    May 29, 2011 @ 16:19:07

    Hahahaha – never heard that term but sure know what you mean. Maybe your restaurant could have a Beano display at the door. I bet yall laughed so hard. Funny, funny.

    Garlic does tend to give people horrible gas. I avoid it as much as I can, but I think it absorbs in through my skin. 😦


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