Father’s Day

Happy (late) Father’s Day to you.

It was a day when the stupid came out to eat at the Spaghetti Western.

Yeah, it was about this bad.

My first table was so unbelievably stupid they couldn’t even order pizzas.  The woman wanted a small pepperoni with…no, she didn’t like pepperoni.  Start over.  She wanted a small sausage…did she really have to pay for all the toppings?  Yes.  Start over.  She wanted a small anchovy, artichoke, spinach, basil, hot pepper pizza.  With sausage?  No.  She didn’t like sausage.  The rest of the table wanted a large half special with no black olives or mushrooms on half and pepperoni on the other half.  Well, they wanted pepperoni on the whole thing, but only on half.  With no black olives or mushrooms on either side.  “Do you understand the order?”  the man asked me.  It took them 10 fucking minutes to order two pizzas.  Yeah.  I GOT it.

On top of that table of stupid, I got another table of equal stupid.  The woman talked s-l-o-w-l-y like either I couldn’t keep up or she was chronically retarded.  She asked what was in every single dish right down to the damned salad dressings.  Meanwhile, I had food waiting for me, more tables were stacking up behind me and I was getting my ass handed to me.  It was just like being at the Harribalsac.  I asked twice if they needed more time to look at the menu, but ohhhh noooo.  She ordered one thing, then changed her mind, then changed her mind again, then asked if she could sample the alfredo sauce.  NO!  It’s made to order.  It doesn’t sit in a pot on the stove waiting to be scooped out with a ladle.  Then she ordered for her adult child, but wait, does that have caffeine in it?  Yes.  After much discussion about bed time (and I’m guessing bed wetting) she decided he should have something different and on and on and on.  When I got to the last guy (father or father-in-law) he snapped his order at me and said, “Now THAT’S  how it should be done.”  I had to pat him on the back.

The very next table I had to run to was mom, dad and two little kids who had completely wiped out the table in the few minutes they had been seated.  I thought about cleaning up the spilled water, crayons, colouring paper and toys everywhere, but I figured they were used to sitting in slop so I just left it.  One time when I was at their table, Pro Rodeo came up behind me to deliver a drink to another table and I could hear him growling at the mess on the table.  The next time I went to the bar, he told me women who let their kids make huge messes need to have “that hole sewn shut” and men who don’t care need to have their “limb amputated.”  

I complained about the raging stupidity of the two big tables and he told me, “They will only be here for about 45 minutes.  You can put up with the devil himself for 45 minutes.”

“Yeah, but I’ll bet the devil wouldn’t be that STUPID.”

Then I heard him talking about desserts to the first stupid table.  He walked away and I approached the table to clear some dishes.  I asked if he got their dessert order.  They said he had.  I asked them to tell me what they wanted.  They didn’t know.  An argument ensued.  Did they order the tiramisu or the chocolate cake?  Vanilla ice cream or spumoni?  We don’t have vanilla ice cream.  Oh then it must have been the spumoni.  I tracked down Pro Rodeo and asked what they ordered for dessert.  “Fuck if I know.  They aren’t stupid, they’re crazy.  They were arguing and couldn’t decide so I left.”  I took them spumoni and tiramisu, which they bickered over.  Crazy bastards.

In the end, I made bank, but there were a few times I really thought I was going to lose my mind and start screaming at all the stupid people.  I swear, I need to start checking IQs at the door.


12 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Fuck My Table
    Jun 20, 2011 @ 17:54:13

    Oh my God. That level of stupid would have made my head implode. I can’t handle that much stupid at one time. My brain is imploding just reading about it. AHHHHHH!

    I was rewarded with an extra glass of wine at the end of the night for not letting my head implode. It was a close call though.


  2. skippymom
    Jun 20, 2011 @ 17:54:21

    The comic cracked me up! LOL And glad you make bank, but you certainly worked for it. 🙂

    The comic fit perfectly since everyone at both tables (except for the one guy) was too stupid to use sharp objects. I’m glad no one needed a steak knife.


  3. Beth
    Jun 20, 2011 @ 18:51:02

    I hurt just reading that. Wow. And what sort of parents let their kids make messes at restaurants like that? Do they do that at home? (Sorry, no pun (?) intended there) We have four kids, 5 and under and guess what? If food hits the floor, I clean it up. If a drink gets spilled, I wipe it up. We do not allow our children to make messes at home, why would we do it out in public?

    It was common at the Harribalsac, and even though it was “family dining” it was annoying as hell. The Spaghetti Western is NOT family dining. We don’t cater to children. We don’t have little cups with lids or dedicated kid’s menus. I’m surprised we have crayons. Pro Rodeo was bitching about them the other day so they may become a thing of the past.

    My husband is a slow orderer and it drives me nuts (his only real fault though, really). Sometimes I want to kick him because he takes forever to decide. He makes up for that in cuteness though, and the tip :).

    I don’t mind slow orderers, but don’t make me stand at the table. You can take two days to order as long as I don’t have to stand there and stare at the ceiling.


  4. DarcsFalcon
    Jun 21, 2011 @ 01:19:00

    Oh my gosh, I can’t stand it when people have to micromanage their order! It takes them forever and I feel like saying, “If you’re going to be so doggone picky, why don’t you just go home and cook it yourself?”

    No kidding. I also hate when they modify their order to the point it isn’t even what’s on the menu. If you don’t want what we serve, why did you come in?

    By they way, the devil takes the cake on stupid. He invented stupid!

    That’s true, but I’m sure he could manage to order a pizza. 🙂


  5. watergirl
    Jun 21, 2011 @ 02:48:40

    It amazes and pisses me off that parents don’t reign their kids in while they’re in public. If you want your crotchspawn to be pigs at home, fine. Be pigs at home. Don’t let them do it in public. Particularly in a restaurant. I don’t care if it’s CiCi’s pizza, McDonald’s or Red-friggin-Lobster: as a parent, that behavior needs to be stopped immediately. And restaurants should have the right to ask a customer to mind their “darlings” or leave.

    Pisses me off.

    Me too! Yesterday some little kid came in with a stick. A STICK! He was waving it all around while his parents thought he was adorable. I asked, “Why is that kid trying to poke his eye out with that stick?” Sunni said, “Cuz he only needs one eye.” She thought he was cute too. I told her it was all fun and games ’til he wacked her with the stick.


    • watergirl
      Jun 21, 2011 @ 02:51:36

      My apologies. I realized after I hit “post comment” that I mis-phrased the last sentence. I’m tired and didn’t proofread close enough.

      Restaurants *do* have the right to do it; most simply don’t have the backbone because it would seem rude or lose money for them.


      I’ve found Pro Rodeo doesn’t really care about losing money. He kicks people out for being assholes. He does tolerate kids a lot more than I do though. In all fairness, it isn’t the kids’ fault. Most of them haven’t been taught manners and their parents need a swift kick in the ass.


      • Rachel
        Jun 21, 2011 @ 10:12:00

        What spineless managers who let parents allow their children to tear down restaurants out of fear of ‘ruining their dining experience and losing them as custumers (the horror!)’ don’t seem to get is that the little brats are ruining anywhere between 10-100 people’s dining experience, depending on whether there is a rush, and if the restaurant gets a reputation as ‘that place where kids run around screaming’, the only people who will come are inept parents.

        Exactly. There is also the danger of tripping over a running, screaming kid and covering someone in scalding hot pasta. Pro Rodeo gets after kids who are running around, and he glares at parents who let their kids scream. They get the message pretty quickly and take the screamer outside. The mess at the table thing is a little more difficult to handle. Essentially, people are renting the table for their dining experience. If they are content to sit in slop, I guess it shouldn’t bother anyone else. Some people are pigs no matter where they go.


  6. PurpleGirl
    Jun 21, 2011 @ 02:58:23

    Haha! Love the guy at your second table. That IS how it should be done!

    She also tried to change his salad dressing choice and he told her to shut up. I adored him by the time dinner was over.


  7. Pyewacketcat
    Jun 21, 2011 @ 04:01:47

    Stupidity will be the downfall of humanity, I can;t deal wit that type….
    glad you made it to write about!

    I love that saying, “Forget about a Fountain of Youth, how about a Fountain of Smart.” It is so true.


  8. wigsf
    Jun 21, 2011 @ 04:11:26

    This is why there needs to be a law against stupidity.

    Or against stupid people breeding.


  9. Rachel
    Jun 21, 2011 @ 10:09:38

    How do people that stupid even find their way to restaurants? Pizza is practically the easiest food there is to order!

    I wonder how they drive, how did they find Wyoming? Were they aiming for Ohio? I mean, holy shit, if you can get here, you should be able to order some freaking food.


  10. michelle zajec
    Jun 21, 2011 @ 16:30:41

    this makes perfect sense. holidays tend to bring out the first-time diners.

    Well that’s unfortunate since July 4th is just around the corner.


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