Here’s a Tip

IF THERE’S THE SLIGHTEST CHANCE YOU OR YOUR CROTCHSPAWN MIGHT BE SICK, STAY THE FUCK AT HOME.

The other night I approached a table of two older women.  They were weird.  The one woman kept calling me names like, “darling”, “sweetie”, “honey” and “baby doll”. 

Yeah.

It’s bad enough when men do that shit, but it weirds me speechless when older women do it. 

Anyway, the first thing the name caller asked for was hot water because the other woman wasn’t feeling well and she brought her own tea.  Two things here:  One, if you aren’t feeling well to the point you need tea to settle your stomach, you shouldn’t be sitting at one of my tables.  You should be drinking YOUR OWN tea at home with a bowl of chicken noodle soup and a bucket.  And two, who brings their own tea to a restaurant?  This happens more often at the Spaghetti Western than it ever did at the Harribalsac.

So, I brought the hot water, endured the endless terms of endearment and took their order.  I brought salads and bread.  I brought out the main course and just as I suspected, right when I had the least amount of time, they needed boxes and their check NOW because someone was going to blow chow in the dining room.

At least the woman who did it the week before had the brains to wait outside while the rest of her party boxed her food.  This woman sat at the table while I shoveled food in their boxes, much the same way I’d dump leftovers down the garbage disposal, getting closer to spraying me down with her stomach contents by the second. 

She knows where to puke.

I think other people puking is about the funniest thing in the world.  Just the thought of it or a picture of it will give me the giggles for hours.  However, the thought of someone puking on me gives me a much different feeling.  I think I would kill someone because it falls in the moron category and I can’t deal with stupid.  Sick people should not be out in public filling their stomachs with stuff to make them sicker.  When I feel like barfing, I don’t make plans to go out to dinner.

The worst encounter with puking was at the Harribalsac a couple of summers ago.  Some people finished their dinner and got up to leave.  They stopped me and told me their toddler got sick under the table after eating his corndog.  Okay, no big deal.  I got the broom and swept out about 2 gallons of clear liquid and a gallon of that sticky yellow dry heaves crap that will make me lose my lunch in a heartbeat.  I had to get the mop and blindly mop it up.

What the hell did they feed that kid?  His stomach contents weighed more than he did.  He probably puked just to keep from exploding.  And what was with those parents?  They had to notice the difference between puking up meat on a stick and barfing up a swimming pool.

 

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9 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. DarcsFalcon
    Jul 19, 2011 @ 13:40:41

    I’m gonna hurl! Yuck!

    One of the many reasons I was never interested in becoming a nurse or doctor. Ugh.

    I have a friend who refuses to puke, not even when she’s sick. I don’t know how she does it, but I used to tell her, “At least I never have to worry about you developing bulimia some day!”

    Did the woman make it out in time?

    She didn’t hurl in the restaurant. I’m hoping she unloaded in the name caller’s car.

    Reply

  2. blunt delivery
    Jul 19, 2011 @ 16:09:08

    I’m sorry but,

    you said crotchspawn.

    that’s it.

    That’s what they are. Good to see you here again!

    Reply

  3. Beth
    Jul 19, 2011 @ 17:43:23

    Oh, man! One of my most embarrassing moments has to be when my two year old puked at a restaurant. We had no idea it was coming or that she was sick (and not it was not too much yummy German food). Thankfully she was in the corner and none of the other guests saw her. I got her to the bathroom and washed her up while my husband cleaned things up at the table. Our waitress was amazing and offered to do it and he had to beg for the cleaning supplies to keep her from doing it.

    I am pretty sure we tipped 100% that day. (Plus whatever my fil tipped since he got the check)

    I don’t think either of my kids ever puked in a restaurant. I don’t get too upset when kids do it because they are so unpredictable. I’ve had parents insist on cleaning it up and I always tell them I’m more equipped to do it than they are. They are usually very embarrassed, but shit happens. It’s the adults who are supposed to know better who piss me off.

    Reply

  4. Sparty Girl
    Jul 20, 2011 @ 03:44:05

    Eeeew, gross!! It’s one thing if kids barf in public, especially little bitty kids like Beth’s, because they’re too young to tell you in time. It’s inexcusable for adults to go to a restaurant if they’re that sick.

    No lie. Stay at home with your puke pail.

    Reply

  5. wigsf
    Jul 20, 2011 @ 04:03:20

    Puke is funny as long as I don’t have to smell it or clean it or use what the puke landed on.

    I think puke is hilarious. I used to work in an airport restaurant and someone barfed in the dining room at least once a week…pre/post flight jitters or whatever. I laughed my ass off since I was a cook and didn’t have to deal with it.

    Reply

  6. PurpleGirl
    Jul 20, 2011 @ 06:21:03

    Dear god woman, warn us next time you’re posting a picture like that! 🙂

    The one my son and I laughed about for half an hour was much worse. “Even I can’t put that on my blog,” I told him. You should know better by now. 🙂

    Reply

  7. paulac7
    Jul 20, 2011 @ 11:21:35

    Love the pic!! (Where *do* you find them–they set the mood so well!!)

    Speaking of grossness–yesterday I was doing the order at my restaurant. When I finished, and getting ready to leave, I figured I’d better potty, as I had some errands to run. I figured I’d be game and use the ‘out front’ (customer) bathrooms, as I wasn’t wearing my work shirt. As I was walking down the hallway, there was a little old lady with a walker, and the ‘bunchy’ look of an adult diaper about her person.

    I kindly stepped out of the way, so she could pass me without running me over with her walker, as she was really hauling ass with that thing, and as I turned and looked after her, I noticed there were suspicious wet splotches on the back of her baby-blue polyester pants, and a giant wad of diaper showing at the top.

    Gamely, I entered the restroom, and was immediately assaulted with the stench of piss. There was another lady in there, and she warned me not to open the stall door, but I just *HAD* to see the collateral damage.

    IT. WAS. HORRID.

    There were moist chunks of diaper filling (?) all over the stall, like she was ripping them out, and flinging them around like party favors. In the toilet. On the floor. I think there might have been some stuck to the walls, even…..

    Thanking God that I wasn’t wearing a company shirt, and was therefore anonymous, I beat a hasty retreat, and with great glee told Mgmt about it. As I walked chuckling out the door, I heard him tell the dipshit hostess (who was really busy texting) to check it out–I left before the screams and tears started.

    I’m SO glad I don’t manage anymore <>

    I haven’t had to deal with an adult diaper…yet. I’ve cleaned up plenty of other insanely disgusting stuff without the diaper, thankyouverymuch.

    Reply

  8. Hira Animfefte
    Jul 21, 2011 @ 19:52:23

    EW! EW! EW! (on the 2-year-old throw-up story)

    Also: those customers of yours were idiots, Holly. Idiots. More than one of them was ill? THAT ill? In imminent danger of puking? Oy…I could see one on the upswing or the downswing of something mild, like a cold, being dragged along by friends…or being surprised by nausea, not expecting to feel sick (happened to me on New Year’s Eve once–not as dramatically as your customers). Fizzy drinks are the answer. Fizzy drinks, cutting your evening short, or better yet, staying home.

    I’ve had tables where I felt myself getting dumber with every step I took towards their table. This was one of those tables. Neither should have been out without professional supervision.

    DarcsFalcon–How is that even possible? Lucky woman. I think. That could possibly be a problem, if you swallow something that NEEDS throwing up, medically speaking…

    and paulac7–double, triple, quadruple EW! EW! EW! BLECH!!!! “Moist chunks of diaper filling”? EW EW EW EW EW…

    Reply

    • DarcsFalcon
      Jul 22, 2011 @ 12:09:31

      You know Hira, I have no idea! I’ve seen her do it though! Once, MANY years ago when we were much younger, we drunk ourselves silly celebrating New Year’s. We had some bad food too, which hit us at the same time. (We knew it was the food because we weren’t drinking the same thing.) I got sick and felt much better, naturally. She refused to get sick. She would hold her breath and clench her lips but she would NOT get sick. She believed that uh … waiting for it to pass through the other way was preferable to letting it come back up. I think she suffered more but I was still amazed at her level of bodily control!

      If I don’t want to puke, I won’t puke. I have to give up and get out the bucket. Sometimes it’s a good thing and sometimes it isn’t.

      Reply

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