I’m Too Old For This Shit

At least I was wearing panties.

Okay, it wasn’t quite that bad…there wasn’t trash all around me, but Sunday morning found me sitting on the curb wondering WTF?! 

The bars in Powell stayed open all night on the last night of the fair.  Sunni suggested we check it out after work.  She promised she’d stay sober and drive, but after she sang “Pop that Pussy” at the karoke bar, Al-Quieda leaned over and asked, “How are we getting home?”
My life is turning into a Katy Perry song.
Some highlights of the night:
  • A drunk guy told me I had big boobs.  He was seeing double.
  • I told a bartender that if I “swung that way” she’d be my girlfriend.
  • We got kicked out of a restaurant as soon as we walked in.  Apparently they don’t serve our “kind”.  I’m not sure what was meant by that.
  • Sunni hiked her skirt and peed in the alley in front of everyone.  Twice.

The night ended when I broke up a bitch fight outside the bar and the cops showed up.  One of them asked if anyone saw anything.  I looked at the ceiling, trying to be invisible and when I looked down everyone was pointing at me.

I love talking to cops when I’m drunk.  Love the shit out of it.  He asked what I saw, I told him it started as a hair pulling match and escalated into one girl pounding the other girl’s head on the pavement.  He asked me to describe the girl & I said she looked like a man.  Sunni remembered her from the karoke bar and took over. 
“She’s a little shorter than me, a little thinner, but not nearly as pretty.”  (One time Sunni got into a fight with her boyfriend and he drove her to the police station.  She got out and peed under the tree.  There was a cop outside smoking and he arrested her for public intoxication.  When they took her mug shot, she insisted they take more pictures.  She woke up the next morning with a stack of Polaroids of her striking various poses.)  Then she volunteered her name and address and reminded the cop about how pretty she is.
“You’re going to get your picture taken if you don’t knock it off,” I told her.
The cop wanted my name.  I firmly believe that no good deed goes unpunished and since I got the attacker off the girl AND cleaned her up (two good deeds) I knew I was going to jail.  The cop assured me I wasn’t going to jail.  Sunni asked if she could just give her name twice and call it good.  It doesn’t work that way and if this goes to court, I’m getting called to testify.  I love that shit.
Other than that, it was a damned good time.

9 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. DarcsFalcon
    Aug 02, 2011 @ 01:13:31

    Times like these, I’m glad I don’t drink! LOL

    I don’t most of the time, but Sunni and summer make me get my drink on.

    Glad no one was hurt and everyone made it home safely. 🙂

    Sunni sobered up and drove home, singing profane songs all the way.


  2. wigsf
    Aug 02, 2011 @ 04:11:00

    Sounds like a smurfing good time.

    It was.


  3. DarcKnyt
    Aug 02, 2011 @ 05:33:35

    Hm. I have a few nights in which large sections of memory are removed, but only a couple of them involved the police. They were all related to the same girlfriend at the time. I’m pretty sure she’s either dead or in jail. I’m glad neither of those is true for you.

    Unfortunately, I’m not a black out drunk. I remember everything.

    We’re always safe.


  4. thelifeofjamie
    Aug 02, 2011 @ 06:29:09

    Wow! That’s straight out of the Hangover!

    There wasn’t a baby.


  5. Sparty Girl
    Aug 02, 2011 @ 07:19:38

    I like Al-Quaida more every day. Glad you’re not in jail. 🙂

    Me too.


  6. Amber Southard-Roberson
    Aug 02, 2011 @ 07:43:37

    Reminds me of some of those nights in Laramie. Ah, those nights I kind of remember.

    It took me two days to sober up. No more drinking for the Olympic team.


  7. Brea
    Aug 09, 2011 @ 21:30:21

    I read this post to my YoungerDaughter, and her comment? “Things like that don’t just happen to real people.” I told her that OBVIOUSLY, they did, and she hadn’t listened very closely to some of my stories from my heydays.

    Sounds like a rollickin’ good time!

    Someday she’ll have her own stories to tell. (shudder)


  8. Mary
    Aug 10, 2011 @ 03:24:52

    That must be some hangover! It has been 8 days without a post…you aren’t in jail, are you? Do we need to send bail money?

    Not in jail, just no internet. My son’s puppy chewed my modem cord and they are hard to replace.


  9. Jessi
    Aug 13, 2011 @ 05:35:36

    I discovered your blog 4 days ago, and read all your previous posts over the weekend. I love how you aren’t afraid to call people on their bull and how you tell it like it is. Thanks for a great read!

    Thanks for stopping by and taking the time to comment. Now that I have internet again, I’ll have more stories for you to read.


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