A Big Bottle of Wine

Karma is a bitch.

Last week I had the pleasure of serving two elderly women and a man.  (insert eyeroll)  One of the women told me they had been “drinking hard alcohol all day at the Irma” and they wanted a “really big bottle of wine” with (for) dinner.  My brain did a quick visual scan of our wine selection and reported back that all the bottles were the same size.  I gave her the dumb look.  She elaborated that she wanted a wine with a really big taste, bold and full.  I suggested a Cabernet, she wanted a Chianti.  I sold her one of the premium Chiantis and she bitched about it.  I suggested she purchase a second bottle of wine…the Cabernet…and she less than politely declined.

Yo Bitch! You need to be the one on the left.

While Pro Rodeo was pouring the wine, the bitchy woman asked whether she should have the veal Marsala or the veal Piccata for dinner.  He suggested the Marsala.  The bitchy woman ordered two Marsalas and a medium pizza for the man.  No one else at the table was allowed to speak to me.  I know they weren’t a couple of deaf mutes because I could hear them talking to each other whenever I was around the table.

After I delivered the food and checked back on them, the Host with the Most flagged me down and said they had complaints about their food.  The bitchy woman told me the veal tasted as if it had been burned and then run over by a truck.  She asked what I was going to do about it.  I noticed that both women had eaten half of their food, and all the wine was gone.  I remembered she ruined her tastebuds by drinking “hard alcohol all day at the Irma” and I told her I really had no idea what to do since we never get food complaints.

Pro Rodeo was completely fed up with the bitch by this time.  I asked what I should do and he said to take the dinners off their ticket and tell them to get the fuck out.  I asked if I should let them finish the pizza or if I should box it and show them the door.  He decided they could finish the pizza, but one more word and the bitch was going out on the street.

Meanwhile, I had a table of regulars at an adjacent table.  They called me over and the woman said, “Those people have been awful to you since they sat down, but karma’s a bitch.  They just knocked their pizza off the stand and it fell on the floor.  They are eating it, floor dirt and all.”

I looked over and sure enough, all three of them were chowing down on the hairy pizza.  WTF?!

Our veal Marsala tastes like shit, but pizza from the floor is excellent?  Obviously, I underestimated how drunk they were.

After they finished the pizza, I went back to ask if they wanted dessert.  I planned to tell them I took the Marsalas off their ticket and wish them a happy day, but the bitch snapped, “We had to send our dinners back so we certainly don’t want anything you have for dessert.”

I smacked the check presenter on the table and snapped back, “I took your dinners off the ticket, hope you enjoyed the pizza off the floor, don’t forget to pay before you leave, and you need to leave pretty fucking soon.”

They were smarter than I thought because they hightailed it out of the restaurant without another complaint, and they even tipped me…on the pizza and wine only though.

I wonder how people like that make it through life and how they can find anyone to have dinner with them.


13 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. boschkaJane
    Aug 16, 2011 @ 13:13:22

    OMG..I’m surprised that they could handle the delicate navigation of the fork to mouth !

    Sheesh..if you are going to drink like that , stay the fuck at home and spare the world .

    Waving from Houston

    Now that you mention it, maybe they didn’t eat half their food, maybe it ALL ended up on the floor.


  2. Rachel
    Aug 16, 2011 @ 13:57:46

    That’s disgusting. I’m OCD, and things that others find slightly nasty will litterally trigger my gag reflex. I probably would have started bending over and dry heaving at the sight of the two cows chowing dirt pizza.

    I’m the same way, but karma is a bitch and those two deserved it.

    Some people should party hard, and some people should get shot after one drink.

    I know a lot of those people.


  3. thelifeofjamie
    Aug 16, 2011 @ 16:39:02

    Smack the bitches!!! I won’t even touch the floor of a restaurant with my hands, let alone eat off of it! YUCK!

    I am grossed out by things people do in restaurants…putting their purses on the restroom floor, letting their kids crawl on the dining room floor, letting their kids play in the restrooms.


  4. wigsf
    Aug 17, 2011 @ 03:47:07

    How do these people live that long eating food off the floor?



  5. Sparty Girl
    Aug 17, 2011 @ 06:55:40

    I am flat-out amazed that they left a tip.

    Me too!


  6. skippymom
    Aug 18, 2011 @ 03:07:03

    I love [not] when people tip only on what they pay for. What? I didn’t serve ALL your food before your bitch discount? Yes, I did. Tip on the job I did, not on what you ate. Jeesh

    And carpet pizza is just naaasty.


  7. Mishaweha
    Aug 18, 2011 @ 09:06:37

    Wow. They sound awful. At least your regulars seem pretty cool.


  8. DarcsFalcon
    Aug 18, 2011 @ 21:04:06

    *blinks* The floor? They actually ate the food off the floor?

    After sending back Veal Marsala?

    Clearly whatever they drank earlier was pretty potent – it killed whatever brain cells they had left. Yikes!

    I was dumbfounded. They must have drank the same stuff that makes people think eating the worm in the bottom of the bottle is a good idea. Ick.


  9. whatimeant2say
    Aug 21, 2011 @ 09:54:09

    That is a great story – Karma and all!


  10. zmanowner
    Aug 24, 2011 @ 13:20:00


    You gotta wonder how people like that make it through life without someone just beating the dog snot out of them….as a patron sitting at another table I would have told them a thing or too….sounds to me like a couple of pigs and their tamer they were……your a bigger person then me..i would have snapped …..zman sends

    I snap, but it’s in the waitstation…usually. Good to hear from you!


  11. izziedarling
    Aug 25, 2011 @ 11:56:59

    Douchebags. Next time you have ugly drunks, call the police before you give them the check – then they can get hauled to the pokey after dinner. That’s a dessert!

    I have to admit, I like trainwrecks. These people were ridiculously entertaining.


  12. Fuck My Table
    Aug 28, 2011 @ 15:30:30

    Where are you? I miss reading your posts! 🙂

    Stupid puppy ate my modem cable. I’m back now.


  13. Hira Animfefte
    Sep 03, 2011 @ 18:17:35

    That bit about the dirt pizza is disgusting. Gross, gross, gross…How drunk do you have to be? I hope they didn’t drive out of there to be a menace on the highway.

    They struck me as old alcoholics…the classy type who have “cocktails” before, during and after dinner, but are in no way drunks like the people who drink a 6 pack every night.


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