You Just Got Sat has a running feature on How You Know You Won’t Get a Good Tip (“start at the beginning and when you get to the end…stop”). I know I won’t get a good tip when I hear the word, “lovely” (pronounced luuvly).
For example, when I seat someone, hand them menus and I hear, “Thank you. That was luuvly” I know my tip percentage dropped from 20% to 18%. When I take their order and I hear, “The shrimp scampi sounds luuvly”, I know my percentage is hovering at around 15%. “The food looks luuvly” means 12% and “Dessert would be luuvly” is a head throbbing 8%. Throw in a few other random “luuvlys” (“The wine is luuvly” “The silverware is luuvly”) and I’m working for free.
So who is responsible for the gross overuse of my most hated word? The British. The fucking British.
I get to the point where I want to scream, “LISTEN YOU CHEAP BASTARDS, I DON’T CARE HOW YOU DO IT ACROSS THE POND, HERE WE WORK FOR TIPS SO STOP TELLING ME HOW LUUVLY EVERYTHING IS, REACH INTO YOUR WALLET AND PUT YOUR MONEY WHERE YOUR MOUTH IS. YES, I KNOW THE SKY IS “LUUVLY” AND THE STREET IS “LUUVLY” AND EVEN OUR GARBAGE IS “LUUVLY”, BUT I CAN’T PAY MY BILLS WITH “LUUVLY”
A handful of British and I can guarantee a 10% night.