Drs. Phil and Oz

Crissy, our chef/owner, works her ass off.  Her one guilty pleasure is watching Dr. Phil in the afternoon.  I work the lunch shift on Tuesdays and during the Dr. Phil hour, no one had better interrupt her.  This means no customers wanting food and no men whining about changing the channel.  Everyone can fuck off until Dr. Phil is over, or until Crissy has lost interest.

In my opinion, Dr. Phil is a lot like Jerry Springer without the chair throwing and boobie flashing.  There are always tears…lots and lots of tears.  Usually before Dr. Phil has even introduced his guests I ask, “Are they crying yet?”  I mean, it’s such utter bullshit.  The most popular theme is mothers who can’t control their adolescent daughters.  My advice is to throw the mothers in jail for a weekend and put the bitchy daughters in foster care for a few days.  Try pushing the buttons of someone who truly doesn’t care and see how far that will get you.

My favourite episode was the woman who is getting married on 11/11/11 at 11am because this is her 11th marriage.  She’s going to have 11 tiers on her cake, 11 steps up to the altar and 11 bridesmaids.  She’s younger than I am and has had marriages which lasted less time than it takes me to smoke a pack of cigarettes.  Utterly ridiculous.  Dr. Phil asked how on earth she managed to find 11 guys who wanted to marry her.  Good question. 

Then there was the one where Dr. Phil asked the guy from a polygamist sect if he could spend some time with one of the young girls the guy was marrying.  The polygamist basically offered to pimp out the young girl to Dr. Phil, and the look on his face was excellent.

At the end of every Springer episode, Jerry sends out a little message and asks that everyone to “be good to one another”.  They are very heartfelt messages and I think he sincerely believes what he is saying.  Dr. Phil, however, just looks smug and superior.  The more crazies out there, the more fodder for his show.

I can't even look at this guy.

Once Dr. Phil is over Crissy wanders back in the kitchen and leaves Dr. Oz on to terrorize me.  This guy freaks my shit.  He talks about stuff that shouldn’t even be on TV, let alone on public TV.  One day he had a show about sex and no lie, I think he said ‘vagina’ about 72 times in less than an hour.  I was horrified even though the restaurant was empty.  

Then there are the demonstrations.  He brings in medical waste and shows it off…fatty hearts , fat deposits around the stomach, ruined knees, hips and other joints, and other frightening stuff I can’t look at.

He loves audience participation and invites people on stage to touch, poke and prod the nasty shit.  I’d puke all over or start screaming.  He invites members of the audience to dress up and act as a bodily function.  One day I saw a woman happily dressed in a brown watch cap and brown gloves wearing a sign around her neck which read, ‘BOWEL MOVEMENT’.  

Really?  Do these people have no dignity?  No matter what SNL thinks up, it can’t be as bad as the real thing.

Yeah, that should get you laid.

Dr. Oz’s guests could easily go on Dr. Phil and discuss where they lost their self esteem or on Springer and throw a few chairs at one another.  All I know is 10 minutes of Dr. Oz and I’m ready to shove an ice pick in my eyes.

8 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. wigsf
    Nov 09, 2011 @ 17:05:55

    Call me when Phil or Oz have people on who have sex with pigs. I’m not talking fat ugly people with snout noses. I’m talking actual pigs. Porking the bacon pigs.

    I can’t imagine it would be a taboo subject. Dr. Oz could talk about the dangerous diseases one can catch from fucking barnyard animals and Dr. Phil could counsel the pig. I think he cares more about the pigs.


  2. London
    Nov 09, 2011 @ 17:28:35

    Wait isn’t that last picture from SNL when Charlie Day hosted? Cuz I swear that “Dr. Oz” is Bill Hader….or was that the point if the joke and it just went straight over my head? Because that’s always a possibility with me.

    It could possibly be from SNL. I seldom watch current TV so they could be making fun of Dr. Oz and I wouldn’t know it. I really did see the woman dressed up as a bowel movement, though.


    • London
      Nov 09, 2011 @ 17:43:23

      Oh I believe you saw that. Dr. Oz is always on in the break room where I work and I would not put it above any of the ladies in the audience to prance around dressed as a bowel minute for a chance to hug Dr. Oz/ be on TV


    • Bob
      Nov 09, 2011 @ 18:43:52

      That is definitely Charlie Day. I recognized him immediately. But I didn’t watch SNL so I can’t confirm where that picture is from.

      Well, that’s what I get for believing Google Images.


  3. DarcKnyt
    Nov 09, 2011 @ 19:38:00

    Yeah. Daytime TV…what’s better except daily dose of STDs?

    Crap. Dr. Oz has probably made people dress up like STDs and I’ve just missed it.


  4. Lauren
    Nov 09, 2011 @ 21:29:34

    Did you see the Dr Phil about children in resturants about a month ago? funniest shit I’ve seen in a long time. If not, it’s called Brat Ban. Oh, and it actually features the author of one of the other blogs I follow

    I didn’t see the show, but I fully support the Brat Ban. The Spaghetti Western is not a child friendly place and we put no effort into making it so. It is fine dining and children are not encouraged. The few kids we see at dinner are polite and well behaved. Lunch is the worst time since our lunches are about the same price as lunch anywhere else. We get lazy moms with 3-5 kids who leave a huge mess and tip horribly. Honestly, it wouldn’t break my heart if I never saw another kid in the restaurant.


  5. DarcsFalcon
    Nov 11, 2011 @ 02:00:17

    The first time I watched Dr Phil, I left a note for my husband, thanking him for being the guy he is. I swear, the people I saw were just … just … aaarrrghgh! Crazy doesn’t even come close. Ol’ Phil just came across as a self-righteous, smug ring-master, showing off his specimen jars of weirdos.

    If you’ve got jars of weirdos, you may as well flaunt ’em.

    I liked his wife though, sometimes.

    And I’ve never seen this Oz guy, thankfully! There’s one reason to be glad I don’t have cable anymore! LOL He sounds pretty gross, like the medical version of Walmart people pictures you sometimes post.

    I shudder everytime I see him. I know something gross is on the way.


  6. Hira Animfefte
    Nov 14, 2011 @ 19:42:25

    The other night, when I was on-call at work, I was on the Science Daily website, looking for any articles to read that might relieve my middle-of-the-night boredom. (On call=thirteen hours of alternating adrenaline and boredom. And sleepiness.) Anyhoo, I happened on this article that said, I kid you not, they’ve done a study in Brazil proving a link between penile cancer and sex with animals (helpfully abbreviated SWA). There’s an STD link too. WTF!? Somebody alert Dr. Phil!

    I said something about sex with cows to Pro Rodeo last night and he said, I kid you not, “You can’t have sex with cows. You’ll get cancer.” WTF?!


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