Crissy, our chef/owner, works her ass off. Her one guilty pleasure is watching Dr. Phil in the afternoon. I work the lunch shift on Tuesdays and during the Dr. Phil hour, no one had better interrupt her. This means no customers wanting food and no men whining about changing the channel. Everyone can fuck off until Dr. Phil is over, or until Crissy has lost interest.
In my opinion, Dr. Phil is a lot like Jerry Springer without the chair throwing and boobie flashing. There are always tears…lots and lots of tears. Usually before Dr. Phil has even introduced his guests I ask, “Are they crying yet?” I mean, it’s such utter bullshit. The most popular theme is mothers who can’t control their adolescent daughters. My advice is to throw the mothers in jail for a weekend and put the bitchy daughters in foster care for a few days. Try pushing the buttons of someone who truly doesn’t care and see how far that will get you.
My favourite episode was the woman who is getting married on 11/11/11 at 11am because this is her 11th marriage. She’s going to have 11 tiers on her cake, 11 steps up to the altar and 11 bridesmaids. She’s younger than I am and has had marriages which lasted less time than it takes me to smoke a pack of cigarettes. Utterly ridiculous. Dr. Phil asked how on earth she managed to find 11 guys who wanted to marry her. Good question.
Then there was the one where Dr. Phil asked the guy from a polygamist sect if he could spend some time with one of the young girls the guy was marrying. The polygamist basically offered to pimp out the young girl to Dr. Phil, and the look on his face was excellent.
At the end of every Springer episode, Jerry sends out a little message and asks that everyone to “be good to one another”. They are very heartfelt messages and I think he sincerely believes what he is saying. Dr. Phil, however, just looks smug and superior. The more crazies out there, the more fodder for his show.
Once Dr. Phil is over Crissy wanders back in the kitchen and leaves Dr. Oz on to terrorize me. This guy freaks my shit. He talks about stuff that shouldn’t even be on TV, let alone on public TV. One day he had a show about sex and no lie, I think he said ‘vagina’ about 72 times in less than an hour. I was horrified even though the restaurant was empty.
Then there are the demonstrations. He brings in medical waste and shows it off…fatty hearts , fat deposits around the stomach, ruined knees, hips and other joints, and other frightening stuff I can’t look at.
He loves audience participation and invites people on stage to touch, poke and prod the nasty shit. I’d puke all over or start screaming. He invites members of the audience to dress up and act as a bodily function. One day I saw a woman happily dressed in a brown watch cap and brown gloves wearing a sign around her neck which read, ‘BOWEL MOVEMENT’.
Really? Do these people have no dignity? No matter what SNL thinks up, it can’t be as bad as the real thing.
Dr. Oz’s guests could easily go on Dr. Phil and discuss where they lost their self esteem or on Springer and throw a few chairs at one another. All I know is 10 minutes of Dr. Oz and I’m ready to shove an ice pick in my eyes.