Are You Buying Lunch for Me?

No?

Then who gives a fuck what I like to eat.

I had a table of women today who nearly pushed me over the edge.  Lunches are tricky.  I’m by myself, Pro Rodeo backs me up, and we usually aren’t terribly busy…except for about an hour when everyone comes in at once and everyone wants my attention NOW because they are in a big fat hurry.

All of my tables came in by twos today, which for some reason threw off my timing to the point it was like my first day on the job.  My last set of two tables were two regulars and three women who had a reservation.  I didn’t understand that having a reservation meant you cut in front of the other people waiting to be seated and attempt to seat yourselves, but I was having “first day” issues.  Seconds after I seated the women, they started staring at me.  Looking at your server means you need her attention so I skipped what I needed to do at the other 5 tables and made a beeline for the women. 

Of course they weren’t ready to order.  They said they were, but then they proceeded to hem and haw about menu choices.  One woman suggested the other women order.  This was met with a round of, “You go first,” “No, you go,” “No, I want to know what you all are having,” “No, I don’t want to be the first to order,” and on and on and on.  I offered to give them more time, but they declined and continued arguing about who should order first.  I started looking around for something sharp to end my misery. 

Just as I had settled on shoving my pen in my neck, two of the three women ordered.  The third one looked at me and asked, “What do you like?”

Most good servers have a standard answer with a full description of the item and the reason why they like it, such as taste, value, or the uniqueness of the item.  What pops in my head as an answer is, “A really big dick.”  Hey, at least I’m honest.  I realize that this answer won’t go over with, well, any customers so I end up politely telling them to think for themselves.  Experience shows I’m either going to suggest something they hate or something they won’t choose anyway so WHY ARE YOU WASTING MY TIME???!  CAN’T YOU SEE MY DINING ROOM GOING DOWN IN FLAMES???!

The woman ordered the eggplant (which I think is evil), but she was stumped on salad dressings.  “I usually order blue cheese (which I think has the consistency of lion semen), but the Italian Greek sounds good.”  I told her it was either Italian OR Greek and she gave me a blank stare before asking which I like better. 

Ranch.

I do not understand why people ask their server what s/he likes to eat.  My roommate likes to grind Ramen noodles to a powder, boil them to mush, crack an egg into the nastiness, add a slop of spaghetti sauce and some cheese and call it ‘good eatin’.  Show of hands, who wants him to do the ordering?

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7 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Bob
    Jan 05, 2012 @ 19:32:17

    I think I have said this before, but I don’t see the problem with asking the wait staff, what they prefer or what is popular at the restaurant.

    Here are my reasons why I hate the question:

    1. I have an allergy to beef, most red meat, and some fish. I will not try to sell you a steak. I will sell you a chicken or vegetarian dish.
    2. The other night a woman asked for our best gin martini. I asked around and everyone agreed Bombay Sapphire was the best. She hated her $7.50 drink and I felt guilty that I had made the wrong choice. I don’t go to work to feel like a failure.
    3. Things such as eggplant, calamari, and mussels make me want to gag all over the new carpet, but many of our customers can’t get enough of them. I feel I am slighting people by AGAIN suggesting a chicken or vegetarian dish.
    4. I don’t want to be responsible for your meal. I am a waitress because I can’t handle responsibility. If I suggest the Penne Rustica and notice that you’ve shoved it around on your plate, I’m going to feel guilty that I ruined your dinner to the tune of about $20 per person. If I wanted to be responsible for people, I’d drive a school bus or run a daycare.
    5. Again, this is from experience, most people who ask what I like or what’s good just want to make conversation. For every 10 things I suggest, maybe 1 person takes me up on it. Why not comment on what a nice day it is?
    6. Asking if something is good is possibly the dumbest question a person can ask. What do you think I’m going to say? If I have pride in where I work, I’m going to say it is because that’s what I believe, but my roommate thinks Ramen noodles is food of the Gods, which suggests you can’t rely on someone else’s sense of taste.
    7. Asking what is popular suggests we have time to conduct surveys on what menu items sell the most. We don’t. Some nights I sell nothing other than lasagne, other nights I can’t give it away. Everything is popular. That’s how we stay in business.

    Reply

  2. skippymom
    Jan 05, 2012 @ 20:17:46

    I just want to know how you know what the consistency of lion semen is.

    My coworkers ask the same thing. It was something gross I read a long time ago and didn’t even remember until I saw our blue cheese dressing. I gag everytime I scoop it.

    Now there is a skill. heehee

    And I agree with all 7 of your reasons above. I don’t think I ever had anyone take one of my suggestions.

    I suggest, they discuss, choose something else, waste my time.

    Reply

  3. ~watergirl~
    Jan 05, 2012 @ 22:25:16

    I agree that it’s hard to know when or how to ask a server about personal preferences. As another of those chicken-vegan-ranch people so I would give lousy advice on beef or fish dishes.

    I don’t mind if people ask which is the better of two or three things, but come on! Asking me what I like out of the entire menu is going to net you the same result every time: oil & garlic pasta with chicken.

    And I don’t think I want to know how you know the consistency of lion semen and Italian Greek made me think of sexual positions, not salad dressing. Or maybe that was just a leftover brain-buzz from the lion semen. 😉

    I might have to post about the lion semen, but it’s really too disgusting.
    :huggles:
    ~watergirl~

    Reply

  4. DarcKnyt
    Jan 06, 2012 @ 06:52:39

    Lion semen, eh? Well, someone has to know its consistency, I suppose, but…I’ll pass, thanks.

    I never ask if something’s good any more, because I (finally) figured out just what you said. (Finally!) So now, I ask about portions, because for the money most places are charging, I want to be sure I’m getting something large enough to feed a small Bavarian village.

    You figured out some people are like my roommate and will eat slop out of a pan? People ask about portions all the time. Some people are like you (and me) and others want to know if the portion is large enough to share. Others freak out that they might get too much. Uh…so take it home in a box. We won’t force you to clean your plate.

    But that’s me.

    Reply

  5. wigsf
    Jan 06, 2012 @ 06:57:47

    You’d like a big dick. I’m on my way. And seeing as how you are familiar with lion semen, you’ll be pleasantly surprised my man goo.

    Yes, I could have commented something towards the general point of this blog entry but today I’d rather talk about my cock. I am very proud of my cock and am willing to offer it to any woman in need of a great big cock.

    I’m glad to know you are the giving kind.

    Reply

  6. Mike Huffman
    Jan 07, 2012 @ 19:41:00

    I’ve been out of the restaurant four or five years now and at a grimy bar instead, but 2 nights ago I actually had a nightmare that I was SLAMMED at my old job and fucking everything up. Sometimes people REALLY don’t make it easy for you…I get the same dickheads asking me what I like and only 25% of the time do they actually order it…asstards.

    All of my work nightmares involve stairs…lots and lots of stairs.

    Thanks for stopping by and taking the time to comment.

    Reply

  7. DarcsFalcon
    Jan 10, 2012 @ 01:14:37

    I’ve never understood asking a server what to eat. First, I’m a picky eater so I’ve always been sure that whatever they suggested, I’d probably go “eww!” Secondly, if *I* can’t figure out what I want to eat, how the heck is someone who’s a stranger to me going to know what I want to eat? Third, if I don’t know what I want to eat, I should probably not be sitting in a restaurant until I have some idea what I have a taste for.

    Exactly.

    I had to laugh though – I’m sure those women were older, but they sounded like a bunch of 7th graders! Hope they tipped well. 🙂

    They didn’t.

    Reply

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