“I Have to Work…”

As with any restaurant, there’s a good deal of ridiculous bullshit among the employees at the Spaghetti Western.  On any given day at least 2 people are late, (and I don’t mean by a minute or two) and at least one person is irrationally pissed off.  One of the cooks is perpetually pissed off to the point where we all hate working with him and wonder why he sticks around.  He has become the source of endless mockery due to an episode of extreme ridiculousness the night before Christmas Eve.

So, December 23rd…we were fairly steady until about 7pm when things started to die off.  For some reason, this cook (who we secretly call the Albino Retard or AR for short) decided to start closing the kitchen, 2 hours early.  I don’t know why he’s in such a hurry to get home, it’s not as if he has a girlfriend, or kids, or any sort of responsibility calling him home.  He gets paid the same amount when we’re slow, so a smart, paid by the hour person would relish the slow time and collect the money.  But no.  He wants to be out the door when the clock strikes 9pm.

At around 7:30, an hour and a half before we close, a table of 10 people walked in.  It was my turn, 10 people equals at least a $30 auto grat (unless they order pizza, please no pizza), so I was pretty jazzed.  I went in the waitstation to get water and I heard the AR pitching a fit.

“Fucking people, right before we close, now I have to cook, suck my ass.”

Okay, 7:30 is nowhere near “right before we close”.  Sorry these people came out to eat and spend money, which keeps the restaurant open, and keeps YOU employed.  Idiot.  Bitching about having a job in the winter is as absurd as bitching about having air to breathe.  I’ve yelled at the AR several times for this attitude and suggested he apply at the Harribalsac, since that’s the common attitude there.

Apparently Sunni heard his rant as well because before long I heard her saying, “Right before we close.  Now I have to cook.  Suck my ass.  Fucking people,” in her worst best fake French accent.  This went on for an hour and a half.  Everytime he opened his mouth she went off on a Frenchy tirade:  “Now I have to cook.  Suck my ass.  Fucking people.  Right before we close.”

Since that night the saying has been shortened to, “Now I have to work.  Suck my ass” or just “Suck my ass.”   We use different voices and accents, and since we are little better than schoolyard bullies, we apply it to everything.

Sunni:  Let’s spray the glasses with vinegar water before they go in the dishwasher so they don’t streak.

Me:  No.

Sunni:  Uh…why not?

Me:  Because…now I have to work.  Suck my ass.

Everyone knows who what we are making fun of talking about and everyone thinks it’s funny as shit.  Certainly he has to know as well.

Me:  Will you hand me a glass?

Sunni:  Suck my ass.  Now I have to work.

We aren't either

Last night the AR came to work (late) with a tremendous scowl on his face.  Sunni, Pro Rodeo and I were at the bar.  Pro Rodeo saw him first and said, “He looks like he tried to shit a bear sideways.”  The AR came around the corner, Sunni & I looked at each other and said, “Suck my ass” in unison. 

The thing is, work is as fun as you make it.  If you have a shitty attitude, people will avoid you or make fun of you until your shitty attitude improves or causes you to quit in a flood of tears.  Working with someone who has a constant shitty attitude is tiresome.  I feel it’s a matter of time before I lose my mind and tell him off.  Maybe when the new cook is fully trained…


11 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. DarcKnyt
    Jan 08, 2012 @ 17:32:18

    There’s one in every crowd, n’est pas là? Oh well. I might’ve been one too once. Now I’m just glad to be working. I find it amazing when people act like jobs are falling from trees in this economy.

    I know! Cody in the winter is very tough. We have people coming in every day begging for work and he acts like it’s a huge inconvenience for him to be there. Asshole.


  2. Fuck My Table
    Jan 08, 2012 @ 17:38:43

    Oh god, now every time I hear someone bitching I’m going to think, “Suck my ass!”

    Don’t forget to use different accents. 🙂

    At Chili’s a friend and I had a joke. I posted it on my blog some time back. All it took was a two-word phrase: “How nice.” We would dissolve into giggles and it made the whole night much better.

    I like making fun of people, and even make fun of myself when I’m a bitch at work. It does lighten to mood…unless you’re the popper everyone’s making fun of, of course. 😉

    It’s especially fun when someone’s being ridiculous.


  3. Fuck My Table
    Jan 08, 2012 @ 17:38:59


    Pooper/popper…sometimes it’s the same thing. 🙂


    • Guy
      Jan 09, 2012 @ 00:55:24

      Sure, as long as you don’t get popped in the pooper, it’s all good.

      Personally, I might even take it a bit further, and learn to say “suck my ass” in other languages as well. Just in case the joke ever begins to go as stale as your co-worker.

      According to Google translate, “chupar meu bunda” is “suck my ass” in Portuguese…..

      HAHAHAHA! Freaking awesome. Sunni and I both have internet phones so the possibilities are endless.



  4. bunnybuns
    Jan 08, 2012 @ 17:52:01

    I love ya!!! I fondly remember my coworkers that I could kid enough with like that when I read your blog entries. =) Keep it rollin’ Chica!

    Food service is great for having inside jokes and fun.


  5. theblonde
    Jan 08, 2012 @ 18:15:01

    Too funny! Sounds exactly like Mumbles at my job.

    No matter WHAT you order, no matter WHEN it is, it’s always “fucking breakfast, 9 at night.” “fucking sandwiches, 2 in the afternoon.” Replace meal/food as necessary. And yes, the sheer ridiculousness became quite comical after a few weeks.

    It’s funny right up to the time you punch them in the face for bitching all the time.

    Side note, I am going to forever use ‘Suck my ass.’ from now on.

    Don’t forget the accent.


  6. skippymom
    Jan 08, 2012 @ 22:02:24

    It’s like having downer friends IRL [outside of work] you can only listen to them bitch, grip & complain for so long & then you want to slap them and say “Really? What the hell is SO bad?” I was starting to despair over the holidays because everyone seemed to have some sort of problem that they couldn’t enjoy anything and it was starting to bring me down.

    I hate downer friends. I have my days, but as long as I’m on this side of the grass, things are good.

    Suck my ass. Now I am going to have to work [on that.] heehee

    A French or Italian accent is best.


  7. Ahmnodt Heare
    Jan 09, 2012 @ 09:52:55

    Part of me can sympathize with AR in that I want to get out as soon after closing time as possible. i don’t usually get angry though unless a big table comes in a half-hour before closing.

    The only time I’m annoyed is when we’ve been dead for that last hour before close, then someone walks in at 5 til. It’s even better when they tip 5%. Which is another story…this happened last week. The guy ordered a ribeye and the AR was in such a hurry to bust out the door he didn’t bother to, you know, cook it. The guy ended up with a blue steak instead of a medium steak. He left unhappy. So the question is was he a cheap shit to begin with or did the AR take money out of my pocket and piss off a customer?

    That aside, I’m the same as you with sayings like that. Someone once ranted about a baseball player “swinging for the fences” only he forgot the “n” in fences. When he goes on a rant now, I usually reply, “Don’t swing for the feces.”

    I once had a professor who was talking about some English queen’s “Annus Horriblus”. He cautioned that he would penalize a full grade point on papers for leaving out an “N”. Funny how words take on entirely different meanings.


  8. DarcsFalcon
    Jan 10, 2012 @ 01:31:10

    I checked out Monster.com. I didn’t see many openings for cooks with bad attitudes. It must be a niche thing.

    It’s funny how seldom “bad attitude” is listed in the job requirement, but how often cooks have them.

    Maybe all the mockery will change his attitude. Okay, probably not, but have fun with Mr Grumpypants anyway!


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