This isn’t a story about a woman who’s actually a man, and Boy George isn’t going to sing. It’s a story about a game I play with Eeyore.
It all started several years ago when I made polite conversation with her. After I asked how her day was going, she launched into everything that was wrong with her world and after a 5 minute pity party, she started crying. I felt really bad for starting the conversation (you know, the one that starts with “How are you today?”) and I left her weeping in the bar.
Then it happened again and I felt bad.
One night we had a huge group of bikers. They made reservations, had a set menu and an auto-grat of around $200. Eeyore and Ursula, who were responsible for ONLY getting their drinks, decided the $200 was theirs. Meanwhile, there were 4 of us in the kitchen, cooking, cleaning and restocking, and I doubled as the server. When I got wind that those two thought they were getting all the money, I had a small cow.
Before long it got back to Eeyore and Ursula that they got the tips off the drinks ONLY and the cooks would split the auto-grat. Eeyore ended up in the kitchen, in a puddle, sobbing her eyes out. WTF?! Get out there and make some money! See, she and Ursula didn’t want to actually work for the money, they wanted the kitchen staff and me to run our asses off while they sat at the bar and got drunk. Fuck that shit.
After that day I made it my mission to make Eeyore cry every chance I can. She’s such an easy target sometimes all it takes is, “Hi Eeyore, how are you today?” I don’t count those times because it’s way too easy, and I don’t get to hone my mean girl skills.
Sunday she was in the kitchen ranting about a National Geographic photographer who was taking pictures in the bar. Apparently he took pictures of Tinkerbell braiding Eeyore’s hair and that was terribly upsetting. Unfortunately, we were busy and I didn’t have time to mess with her and tip her over the edge, but I owe her one.
Yesterday I had lunch with Sunni and several other girlfriends. I told them the story of Betty
Boop Booze parking behind me. Sunni said, “Holy shit. You are the last person I would mess with because you are the most vindictive person I know.” All my other girlfriends agreed.
If Eeyore was smart enough to realize I’m playing a game with her, she’d agree, too.