I Need a Basket

The swamp coolers** at work didn’t work.  The one in the dining room was 1,000 years old, and the one in the kitchen was a disgrace.  The pads were rotted away and it wasn’t hooked up to water, so we were supposed to carry water to it every 15 minutes.  Once we got busy, no one remembered to take water to the cooler, which put the pump at risk of burning out.  Even with water, the pads were in such bad shape that they couldn’t hold water long enough to cool the air.  Basically, it was a piece of shit.

The last time I worked at the Outlaw, I got into a fight with Doc over the swamp cooler.  One thing led to another and I quit.  This time I told Bagheera I wasn’t waiting for anyone to fix it, I was going to do it myself.  King Triton protested that he hired some guy named Hawk to fix the restaurant and the bar coolers.  I gave him the stink eye, so he gave me a blank check and I bought a new cooler for the dining room, and all the stuff needed to repair the kitchen cooler.

When I returned from Cody, I tore the old pads out of the kitchen cooler, replaced them with new ones, installed a float valve, ran a water line into the kitchen and tapped into the supply line under the sink.  This took an hour and a half, on my day off, in the blistering heat.  When I finished, nothing leaked, the water line was hidden so we wouldn’t get tangled in it, the float valve shut off when it was supposed to, and the kitchen was blessedly cool.

The very next fucking day when I got to work, water poured from the swamp cooler.  It wasn’t leaking from the water line attached to the float valve, oh no, it leaked from above the cooler where some douchebag tapped into MY line and didn’t do it correctly.  Water ran down the wall and into the kitchen. 

That’s when the shouting started.

King Triton said Hawk “fixed” the bar swamp cooler, which is on the roof, and he tapped into my line, but he would be back to stop the leak.  Then the roof of the bar started leaking, and we had to shut the water off to both coolers.

I nearly passed out in a rage.

I told Bagheera the bar people could go fuck themselves, and I disconnected their water line.  Once again, the kitchen was blessedly cool, but I noticed the water line was shorter and had to be pulled out of hiding to reach the cooler.

Bastard cut my line. 

Four days later, the bar water line was again attached to the one I installed, and it wasn’t leaking.  However, I could hear the pump on our cooler slurping, which meant it wasn’t getting enough water, yet it leaked from the front corner (it sits on a crooked table.  One more thing that needs fixed).  I opened it and discovered a crappy old float valve where the new one used to be.

That’s when the shouting started again.

King Triton said Hawk took the new float valve out of our cooler and put it in the bar cooler, thinking that if our cooler leaked it wouldn’t be a big deal since it isn’t on the roof. 

Fucking thieving bastard.

I fiddled around with the float valve, but couldn’t get it to shut off like it should.  I tipped the cooler so the pump was under water, but that caused the leak to move to the back corner.  Then Hawk came in the kitchen and said we needed to shut the water off to both coolers since the roof was leaking again.

Stupid bastard stole my float and wasn’t smart enough to adjust it.  Fuck that shit. 

I disconnected the bar water line and the kitchen stayed blessedly cool, but the water leaking from the corner of our cooler continued to piss me off.

I started looking for a basket in which to put his head.  I checked the storage closet, the cupboards under the counter, and finally the old refrigerator in the back of the bar.  He must have a guardian angel because I didn’t find a basket, but I did find a new float valve. 

I shit you not, if our cooler leaks again or if the water has to be shut off again, I WILL find a basket and his head will be the first in it.


**The correct term is evaporative cooler.  It is a type of air conditioner that works by pumping water over fiber pads with a powerful fan to circulate the cold air.  They work best in desert environments.


12 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Lola
    Jul 09, 2012 @ 23:01:54

    I think that desert air has fried a few of those peoples brain cells….you have the patience of a saint!!!!!

    Not at all. They are all going to die slowly and painfully. It’s just a matter of time.


  2. Squiggy's mom
    Jul 10, 2012 @ 02:23:45

    Pull their eyelashes out one by one! I think Hawk has some relatives here in Minnesota, and they worked on my house.

    It’s sad to think they are everywhere. You stand a greater chance of getting screwed than getting good work.


    • Squiggy's mom
      Jul 11, 2012 @ 23:14:57

      The bad work was done over decades. The original part of the house was moved here after WWII, then different rooms plus the garage were added over time. Since none of the walls are straight (some are way off), I’m thinking a lot of the work was done by drunken “handymen”. But it’s home, and I love it, crooked walls and all.


  3. mary i
    Jul 10, 2012 @ 03:14:59

    If I could I would send you a nice full nest of Alabama Fire Ants to help out with your “problem”.I know he has some relatives here…(OMG their everywhere!!) Oh yeah I have some baskets 😉

    Fire ants would be very welcome. I could drop some down his pants and while he scurried off to save his privates, I could actually fix the problem.


  4. wigsf3
    Jul 10, 2012 @ 04:19:50

    Hell hath no fury… You know the rest which is why I’m staying out of your way.

    You are wise beyond your years.


  5. Becki
    Jul 10, 2012 @ 05:40:25

    He must have worked on my house too, one electrical outlet works in my bedroom,out of seven…. still pissed over that,never came back to fix it. I think I have an extra basket here somewhere, I need the one I have saved for that purpose.lol

    I think we should have a basket party.

    Men think they know it all, and I wonder why.

    I need my roof resealed and I’m afraid I’m going to have to do it myself since we all know no one in this town is reliable enough to do it. I don’t do roofs or electricity and it irritates me that I have to hire someone to fix the problems.


  6. DarcKnyt
    Jul 10, 2012 @ 06:04:10

    I think the “He needed killin'” defense is in order here.

    That came to mind when I discovered the old float. No one would blame me.


  7. Sparty Girl
    Jul 10, 2012 @ 06:28:34

    I agree with Darc. And what the heck is wrong with King Triton? Ah, never mind, I forget good help is hard to find out there.

    Hawk blazed into town, strutting around, telling people he can do everything. I’m sure he can do everything…half assed. Our choice of handymen is worse than our choice of restaurant employees. It’s pitiful.

    But since you did such a good job with the kitchen unit, why didn’t he offer you the chance to fix the bar cooler, too?

    It’s on the roof. I can get on the roof, but I can’t get off. The fire department will have to get me down.

    Did you tell KT that Hawk’s head is going in a basket the next time he messes with your (already fixed) equipment?

    Of course I did. And the next time I see Hawk strutting around, I’ll tell him too.


  8. michele
    Jul 10, 2012 @ 21:47:46

    THERE ARE BASKETS AT MY HOUSE! who the hell is hawk?

    Some guy who used to live here. His name was Mike before, now it’s Hawk. Idk.


  9. DarcsFalcon
    Jul 10, 2012 @ 22:10:49

    What the hell? I’m with Darc too! I’m ready to come out there and stomp the guy on your behalf. Heck, skip the basket and just shove his head up his butt where it belongs.

    I think it already is up his butt.


  10. AngelaB
    Jul 10, 2012 @ 22:20:18

    So, saw the basket of heads and had the image of it sitting in the kitchen with a head, name scrawled on the forehead, of whomever was in shit that day. Anyone could glance at the basket and know if it was ok to come in or if they were endangering their own lives.

    HAHAHAHAHAHA! That is the most excellent idea.


  11. zoogie2
    Jul 19, 2012 @ 10:52:28

    Just reading this post made my ears steam! I’m not the handy type (when my boyfriend asks me to hand him a Phillips Head Screwdriver I ask who the fuck Phillip is), so imaging the work you put into this is mind blowing to me. To see them wreck your work OVER and OVER would drive me insane. Temporarily insane…if you know what I mean.

    Dude, go with a Twinkie defense – too much sugar/MSG/bull shit.

    I would tie them down and cover them with snails and worms so the little ducklings can peck them to death. As a bonus you won’t be haunted by their ghosts because no one can be mad at SUCH ADORABLE ducklings.

    Or, if the ducklings weren’t hungry I’d remove an appendage from Hawk and leave it on top of the cooler as a warning for others. I’ll let you guess which appendage I’d go for…

    Hawk redeemed himself by finding a new-to-us swamp cooler for the kitchen. It works really well and sometimes we actually get cold in the kitchen. He can live another day.


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