Today’s Deadly Sin: Envy

More than a month ago Speedy Gonzales and I got into a big assed fight and I haven’t spoken to her since.  Speedy is 74 years old, looks 55 and acts like she’s 12.  She’s this little bity speck of a Mexican woman whom I’ve known all my life.  That means I know she’s a backstabbing child, but it doesn’t make things any better.

During the fight she called me lazy and a liar and told me I could kiss her ass…all because she thinks Bagheera likes me more. 

Whatever. 

I know I’m neither lazy nor a liar, but it pissed me off that she was willing to be such a freaking child.  “Bagheera used to spend time with me, now she spends all her time with you.”  Waa, boo hoo.  (I’m not making this up.)  She twisted every conversation I had with her into “Holly thinks she’s in charge.”  News flash:  I’m barely in charge of myself and I certainly don’t want to be in charge of the hot mess that is the restaurant.  Furthermore, don’t put your issues off on me.  So, I quit talking to her.  If I refuse to acknowledge her existence, she can’t gossip and lie about what I said.

When Eeyore got the boot, we were without a pie maker, so I stepped in.  Prior to this, my idea of a cream pie was flavoured instant pudding in a pie shell with Cool Whip on top.  Fruit pies came out of a can.  I’ve spent the last month looking up pie recipes and thanks to my friend Michele I have a killer pie crust recipe (it’s called Great Value rolled out pie crusts).  My coconut cream pie is heavenly.  The strawberry rhubarb is awesome.  I made a Pepsi cake that sold out in less than a day.  A slice of Key Lime pie makes you think you are sitting in Miami.  I’ve learned how to make the pie crusts beautiful with different patterns on the edges and tops. 

I’ve put a lot of effort into this and it’s paying off.  People are stopping in for dessert in the afternoons.  People are buying desserts to go.  We are even selling desserts in the bar.  The bartenders are dumbfounded because they are serving pie and beer.  That never used to happen.  Best of all, the profit margin is insane and knowing this, King Triton bought a little glass front cooler to showcase my pies.  Well, also because he thinks I’m awesome.

So naturally Speedy has to horn in on my action.  All the attention I’m getting has turned her green with envy.  It doesn’t look good on her.  She made a peach pie (with filling from a can) with a homemade crust that was so thick and burned we had to toss it.  Today she made a peach cobbler (with filling from a can) that looks like a glop of pie filling on a  plate.  I knew we had to use up the pie filling Eeyore ordered, and I had planned to make a crazy crust peach pie that is truly awesome, but hell no.  Let’s make some sloppy shit instead.

Maybe I’m being childish about this.  Maybe I should let her continue to make her shitty desserts and keep my mouth shut.  I don’t want anyone confusing my desserts with hers, though. 

No, I think I get to be childish about this, dammit.

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12 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. DarcsFalcon
    Jul 30, 2012 @ 23:01:31

    I wouldn’t want anyone confusing my pies with hers either. Maybe you could sign them, put a little crust H on the top or something, or carve an H in the top for the vent, so people would know which ones are yours.

    I’m getting ready to put two new headings on the pie sign: “Desserts by Holly” and “Slop by Speedy”. Maybe she’ll take the hint.

    It’s too bad she has to be that way. I’ve learned one thing though – what you said, “If I refuse to acknowledge her existence, she can’t gossip and lie about what I said,” it’s not true. They’ll still gossip and lie about you anyway. *sigh*

    Yes, but the people who matter know I don’t talk to her, so anything she says regarding me is a lie.

    Now you’ve made me want pie! lol Do you have a low carb version? 😉
    Allrecipies.com has some low carb recipies. I’m all about fat and sugar!

    Reply

  2. Squiggy's mom
    Jul 31, 2012 @ 02:59:17

    I’m with DarcsFalcon – sign yours somehow! I LOVE Pepsi, and the thought of Pepsi cake is making my mouth water. Care to share the recipe with your readers????

    We used to make Pepsi cake at the Harribalsac and before I left I planned to steal the recipe. Sadly, I couldn’t find it. I googled it and came up with a ton of recipies, but they aren’t the same as the one we used. Ours didn’t have marshmallows and the cake was darker and moister. It’s still good, but not as good. I’ll get it eventually.

    Reply

    • DarcsFalcon
      Aug 05, 2012 @ 01:00:40

      Maybe look for a recipe for Coke cake and then substitute the Pepsi?

      Just trying to think of something. 🙂

      I did and all the recipes are the same except for the coke or pepsi. I’ll just have to play with it until I get it the way I want.

      Reply

  3. wigsf3
    Jul 31, 2012 @ 04:20:10

    Why do I foresee this turning into a Three Stooges-esque pie fight?

    No pie throwing! I work too hard to waste a good pie.

    Reply

  4. Rebecca
    Jul 31, 2012 @ 04:54:58

    Based on how you describe hers, there is no way in HELL they would confuse your beauties for her crap. 😀

    Tourists don’t know the difference. 😦

    Reply

  5. DarcKnyt
    Jul 31, 2012 @ 05:18:16

    Wow, this is interesting. Pie Wars. Dessert-a-geddon. Stooges-esque pie fights. I see awesomeness coming.

    No pie throwing! I will continue to make better and better looking desserts and sooner or later she will give up.

    And as Darcsfalcon said, they can — and likely will — still gossip about you even if you never say a word.

    Yeah, but everyone knows I haven’t said 2 words to her in a month. Anything she says is a lie.

    Reply

  6. SpartyGirl
    Jul 31, 2012 @ 11:22:39

    If King T. bought that display case, he doesn’t want nasty-looking crap in there. Maybe he can intervene? Never mind… I agree with the sign-the-pie vote. You could use an elaborate “H”, like Laverne’s “L”.

    When I told him what happened, he told me to get her crap out of the cooler. Hahaha!

    Reply

  7. mary i
    Jul 31, 2012 @ 18:42:06

    Make Your Mark! food colors work wonders in “signing” eye droppers or? I want a pie from you.Can You ship to Al? 🙂 Keep up the A– kicking (thank you for making me smile even if you did not mean 2)

    I’m going to make my mark on her forehead. I probably could ship you one, but the pie wouldn’t be very good. Maybe you should come here? 🙂

    Reply

  8. michele
    Jul 31, 2012 @ 20:46:16

    I AM SOOOOOOOOO JEALOUS ! I THOUGHT I WAS THE PIE QUEEN ! WAAAAH ! WAAAH ! IT MIGHT BE TIME TO BREAK OUT THE CHOCOLATE BUTTERMILK PIE RECIPE! YUM, YUM. SEE YA SOON.

    You will always be the pie queen! I’ve made a couple and they sell out faster than I can cut them. I screwed one by putting it in a graham cracker crust and adding too much sugar and we sold it as a gooey brownie sunday. It was gone in an instant.

    Reply

  9. skippymom
    Aug 01, 2012 @ 00:34:04

    I take too much pride in my hard work when I bake from scratch I would be damned if I would let the big baby step one foot over the line and try to serve up that crap. I could understand if that is all your restaurant continued to serve, but it isn’t and the change is noticeable.

    If this stuff wasn’t completely homemade I wouldn’t fuss about it, but things are different when you take the extra time to measure ingredients rather than opening a box or can.

    I would just tell the bosses that if the big baby wants to take over pie duites then she can knock herself out opening cans – otherwise you got this. BY YOURSELF.

    She’s been told twice not to make any desserts, but she does it anyway…just like a child.

    Need any good recipes? I made a Chocolate peppermint cake with whipped frosting the other day I think my husband would slap his mother for. It has already been voted in by two family members as their cake of choice for their birthdays. It isn’t over strong – but MY GOD it is good. Now I am practicing on making healthier desserts b/c otherwise we’re all going to end up as big a parade float by Thanksgiving. [As I type this I have oatmeal cookies, peanut butter cookies with chocolate drizzle, lemon cake [OMG good] and one slice of the chocolate cake in my fridge. It’s a sickness I tell you. :)]

    Mmmm…I’d take the recipe for the chocolate peppermint cake & frosting. I do love cake.

    And please share your pie crust recipe. I love mine, but I always like to see others ideas too. THX!

    It’s either Pillsbury or Great Value roll out pie crust. It’s in the cooler by the eggs and cream cheese. It’s my only cheat.

    Reply

  10. Zoogie2
    Aug 04, 2012 @ 17:10:40

    I was going to advise you to mark them, but looks like everyone else already told you to do that. You could try selling them as a “Holly Peach Cobbler”, “Holly Apple Pie”, etc so that when they offer her crappy 2 second “pie” it doesn’t have your specific name on it.

    Or maybe you could buy a white board and glue (not write) big letters that say “Holly’s Desserts / Specials” then advertise when your latest creation or when you will release a new pie. Only allow YOUR creations to be on that whiteboard, after all Speedy is not “Holly” so she won’t be allowed to write her disgusting concoctions on your board. Could work…

    Bagheera and I hid all the pie pans from her. She can’t make a pie if she can’t find a pan.

    Reply

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