The Gravy Nightmare

We have two types of gravy, brown and white.  During the summer when we are overworked and understaffed we are supposed to have one type of gravy, white.  However, Speedy insists “you can’t run a restaurant with only one type of gravy” and continues to make brown gravy.  When Bagheera and I said we were getting rid of it Speedy ordered 3 cases of that shit.

I’ve told all of the bartenders that customers DO NOT get a choice of gravy.  They get what I give them, which is usually white.  The last thing I want is a ten top all ordering different potatoes and gravy.  Fuck that shit.

Is this a hard concept?

Every time I work with Foghorn Leghorn (4 nights a week) I have to tell him, “Customers don’t get a choice of gravy!  They get what I have.”  He then looks utterly confused as if it’s news to him.

I got my ass handed to me on Saturday night.  For some reason it was steak night and everybody wanted a different temperature…rare, mid rare, sort of pink, not pink but not burned, well done, well done, but very tender…I wanted to scream.  This was going on in the bar and in the restaurant.  I was ready to curl up in the fetal position by the trash can and find my Happy Place.

Then Foghorn Leghorn started the gravy choice shit.  I was polite for the first two or three tickets, then I started screaming at him.

During this madness, for reasons unknown to me, people started poking their head over the swinging doors to the kitchen and yelling their orders to Bagheera, rather than sitting down and letting her take their order. 

I lost my fucking my mind.

Then I ran out of white gravy.  I scrambled around and found a container of brown gravy from the day before.  I told Foghorn Leghorn we were now serving brown gravy and again, STOP GIVING PEOPLE A GRAVY CHOICE.

The very next ticket he brought in the kitchen was for fries with country gravy.  I wadded it up in a ball, screamed, “WE DON’T HAVE ANY FUCKING WHITE GRAVY!” and threw it in his face.  He stammered that he didn’t know what “country gravy” was, which made me wonder:

  1. Does he think we have three types of gravy?
  2. Is he really that dumb?
  3. Is he trying to push me over the edge?

  Bagheera told him to get out of the kitchen.  As in now.  I was going to kill that little fucker, but I couldn’t find my knife.

Then there was some issue about cheese on the fries instead of gravy we didn’t have.  Bagheera told him to leave the kitchen and not come back until he pulled his head out of his ass.

The only smart thing he did all night was he stopped a customer from coming in the kitchen to ask for white gravy.

Every time I tried to fall asleep Saturday night, I woke up asking myself, “What the fuck is his problem with the gravy?”  I was awake until 6 in the morning.

Sunday was a slow day and Bagheera and I spent the day cleaning and relaxing.  Foghorn Leghorn spent his day off drinking in the bar.  When we closed we wandered over to the bar and right in front of several of our regular customers, Bagheera asked Foghorn Leghorn, “So…did you ever figure out the deal with the gravy?”  Everyone started laughing because apparently they could hear me yelling at him all the way over in the bar.

Foghorn Leghorn said, “We had a gravy choice until you started working here.  I just haven’t adjusted to it yet.”

I said, “I’ve been here 6 months.  How much more time do you need?”

I didn’t hear his answer over all the laughter.

Dumbass.

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11 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Corina
    Aug 14, 2012 @ 15:37:05

    Seriously..I admire your restraint. someone would have been dead, or burned FROM THE FUCKING HOT GRAVY! THIS IS WHAT WE HAVE ASSHOLE! THen, he wouldn’t forget!

    I figured a knife buried in his chest would serve as an excellent reminder as well, but damned if I could find one. I’m going to start pinning notes to his chest like you would for a semi-retarded child. If he can’t remember maybe the customers can read the note.

    Reply

  2. Squiggy's mom
    Aug 14, 2012 @ 15:40:25

    Gravy on the brain! ;o) How are your little quackers doing?

    Sadly, bad dog Maggie jumped the fence and ate the quackers. What’s even more sad is the material to fix the fence was being delivered the next day. One more day…

    Reply

  3. Bob
    Aug 14, 2012 @ 16:12:59

    I wish more restaurants here had country (white) gravy

    If I had my way about it we would serve only white gravy.

    Reply

  4. DarcKnyt
    Aug 14, 2012 @ 17:42:36

    Mmm. Graaaaaaavvvvy.

    Gravy is pretty awesome!

    Reply

  5. wigsf
    Aug 14, 2012 @ 18:41:28

    White gravy is proof God exists. I lack the effort to make it on my own but I filled my suitcase with packets of instant on my most recent trip down south.
    It baffles me how rare white gravy is around my part of the world. I can only think of one place in the area other than Denny’s that serves white gravy.

    I make a pretty mean white gravy, but we use instant at the restaurant. It’s still pretty good, but nowhere as good as homemade.

    Reply

  6. DarcsFalcon
    Aug 14, 2012 @ 23:00:53

    Oh my gosh, that’s almost funny. What part doesn’t he understand, seriously?! Maybe he’s pickled his brain.

    I swear he wants to have a war of wills with me. After living with me for a year he should know it’s a war he can’t win.

    Reply

  7. Sparty Girl
    Aug 16, 2012 @ 10:31:08

    Bwahahaha!!! Thanks for making me laugh out loud. I know it wasn’t amusing for you, but I want you to know I enjoyed reading about your Gravy Wars.

    I have tried to make white gravy on several occasions, but apparently I don’t do it well because nobody wants to eat it. My brown gravy goes over well, though. Maybe that’s the answer to wigsf: Northerners can’t make white gravy. Or maybe it’s just me.

    I’ll ‘splain it to you: use grease…bacon grease, hamburger grease, sausage grease…not oil. Add enough flour to absorb the grease and let it brown a bit. This is the roux (or as Arlo says, “Roooo”). If you don’t cook the roux, the gravy will taste like crap. Once the flour is a tan colour, add seasonings and start adding milk while stirring constantly with a whisk. When it thickens, add more milk. Do this until it stops thickening, then boil it for 2-3 more minutes, stirring constantly. You can mix the milk with half & half, cream, or sour cream to make a richer gravy. It takes about 8-10 minutes of constant attention to make a good gravy.

    Reply

  8. Ahmnodt Heare
    Aug 16, 2012 @ 13:44:14

    I didn’t know there was a white gravy until reading this. The only gravies I have heard of are brown, sausage, chicken, and tomato. (Tomato gravy is spaghetti sauce with meat, but people in these parts insist on calling it gravy.)

    Reply

  9. The Good Greatsby
    Aug 20, 2012 @ 08:36:22

    Gravy is a slippery, slippery slope. You have to be strict about the gravy. Once you open that gravy door, you don’t know where it will lead.

    Reply

  10. zoogie2
    Sep 19, 2012 @ 12:50:04

    Maybe Foghorn Leghorn is doing it on purpose.

    I work on a program at work and it constantly sends errors or glitches, but when you try to recreate the problem it suddenly starts working and no one else ever sees the error. At first it would seem like you were going crazy or the person who saw the error was seeing things. Then we realized the program was likely a conscious, evil being bent on destroying us slowly.

    So now we say “Program is Gas Lighting” when we have an error only seen once by one person. Named after the movie Gaslight (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0036855/) where a husband slowly drives his wife insane to cover a crime. Maybe Foghorn Leghorn is Gas Lighting you!

    Foghorn Leghorn is too drunk to Gas Light anyone.

    Reply

  11. Hira Animfefte
    Sep 19, 2012 @ 19:20:37

    Thanks for the gravy recipe. However, I’m sure I’d mess it up. Unless it says “three cups of bacon grease” or something like that, it’s sure to look and taste funny.

    White gravy. I didn’t know that was what it was called. I knew it was a thing. That’s what gets put on biscuits with gravy, you know, with the sausages? That takes white gravy. Now I’m hungry.

    I don’t know how anyone cooks without bacon grease. My mom and grandma used to have a can of it on the counter. Actually, I don’t know why none of us died.

    Reply

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