I updated the “Cast of Characters” and as you can see, a lot of people bit the dust while I was gone.
Cartman–he isn’t a bar/cafe employee, but he’s always underfoot. He quit/got fired from the town for sleeping on the job and general laziness. Bagheera warned me that I should be nicer to him because she thought he was going to go on a shooting rampage, most likely starting with me. What gave her the clue? He started selling all his guns for bargain basement prices, but said he was holding on to one AK-47. Cartman gets free samples and compliments now.
Betty Booze–her days were always numbered, but even I didn’t imagine how complete her downfall would be. She lost her full time job at the Visitor Center, broke up with her long time boyfriend, Shaggy, and started living with Davey in a one room house.
But wait! There’s more.
Her 15 year old daughter was arrested for minor in possession of alcohol, which put child protective services up Betty Booze’s ass. She started popping Davey’s pills, went batshit insane, and just stopped showing up for work. Davey’s Mormon landlady didn’t like him living in sin, so she evicted both of them. They had their shit packed in a piece of shit row boat one day when Michele & I drove by their house, and I laughed so fucking hard I couldn’t get a picture. They moved into a shed owned by a rodeo clown.
Everything was fine until one night Davey went on a pill and alcohol rage and threw all of Betty Booze’s stuff in the river. He went to jail.
I’m sure their story isn’t over yet.
Shaggy–cut his losses and moved away. He’s one of the lucky ones.
Davey–if I didn’t think I would get in trouble I would post his mug shot from his most recent stay in jail.
Drizella–got knocked up and quit.
Doc–tried to drink himself to death, spent a week in an induced coma, currently looking for a new liver. This one isn’t funny.
Of course, we found replacements for the fallen. Of course, they are dysFUNctional.
Here’s a teaser:
Special Board: Hog Wings & Potatoe Salad
Me: Who keeps putting an ‘e’ on the end of potato?
New Hire in Search of a Nickname: I do. That’s the correct way to spell it.
Me: Ok, Dan Quayle.
New Hire: Who’s Dan Quayle.
Me: The former Vice President of the United States who chastised an elementary student for misspelling ‘potato’ only to find out he was wrong.
New Hire: I have spell check on my phone, and it says it’s right.
Me: The dictionary on my phone says you’re wrong.
Idiot. I’m surrounded.