The Worst Story in the History of Stories

During Labor Day weekend, before things got really busy, a woman, 60ish, rushed in the café and asked if she could use the restroom.  Bagheera and I were at the counter rolling silverware when she rushed back out and snarled that we were out of paper towels.  She grabbed a handful of napkins out of the dispenser on the table and went back in the restroom.

Bagheera went to get paper towels while I continued to roll silverware.  I saw Bagheera walk down the hallway, knock on the door, and go in for about a minute.  Then she came hauling ass out of the hallway into the dining room, carrying a trash bag.  She hauled ass past me and said, “Please put a new trash bag in the bathroom.  I have to go home.”  Then the restroom woman stormed out of the café.

I stood there and wondered WTF?!  It was morning during Labor Day weekend, the busiest weekend of the year in Meeteetse, ravening hordes of people would be busting the door down, and WTF?!  I’m ALONE?!  What the fucking fuck?!

A few minutes later Bagheera’s oldest son showed up to help me and he told me why his mom came home puking and was now laying down with a cold towel on her face.  When she went in the restroom to stock the paper towels she dropped the keys in the trash.  Since she had just cleaned the restrooms and emptied the trash she stuck her hand in the little swinging door on the top of the trash can and right into a Depends full of warm runny shit.  The worst part was the woman who dropped the Depends in the trash stood right behind Bagheera and let her stick her hand in it. 

Things would have turned out differently if I had been in Bagheera’s shoes.

It was hours before I saw Bagheera again and she was green for the rest of the day.  There was also some random gagging.

I took over restroom duties not long after that and at first I asked myself:  Who does this shit?  I kept finding gum in the urinal…until I loudly mentioned to, well, everyone in the bar, that the person who fishes the gum out of the urinal is the same person who patties their hamburgers.  Now I find a lot less of a mess.  I seldom find tobacco on the walls or paper towels on the floor, because everyone knows they will get an ass chewing.   

Fear is an excellent motivator.


8 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Squiggy's Mom
    Dec 04, 2012 @ 18:29:17

    That is sooo nasty! I’ve ended up with dog shit, dog puke, cat shit, cat puke, bird shit, fish shit, baby shit, blood from various sources, and adult human puke on my hands, but I draw the line at people shit. Thanks for the reminder that I should NEVER stick my hand into a covered waste receptacle.
    You ALWAYS think of just the right thing to say to people. ;o)

    I would have killed the bitch for watching me stick my hand in the trash without giving me a warning of what was lurking at the bottom. I’m pretty good about cleaning up messes because of my animals, but I too draw the line at human shit.


  2. Squiggy's Mom
    Dec 04, 2012 @ 18:32:42

    ps – also kid puke, horse shit, and cow shit! You know – like the average woman.

    Yeah, it’s hard to be a woman and not get your hands covered in shit, puke and blood at least once a year. Oh my. I don’t think I phrased that quite right.


  3. wigsf
    Dec 05, 2012 @ 04:49:57

    This post made for excellent reading while eating breakfast… NOT!

    Why would you eat breakfast while reading a post with this title? It’s sort of like eating while watching The X-Files.


  4. Sparty Girl
    Dec 06, 2012 @ 09:45:56

    Eewww…. I think this is probably the most disgusting post you’ve ever written. She should have turned around and flung it at the woman, you know, like monkeys do.

    That’s what I would have done. Just for the record, Bagheera gets queazy every time I bring up this story…which is about once every couple of weeks. Yeah, I’m an asshole.


  5. DarcsFalcon
    Dec 08, 2012 @ 22:54:36

    Ewww! What the hell is WRONG with people?! Sheesh.


  6. Rogue Wino
    Dec 09, 2012 @ 00:23:02

    Oh dear that is seriously gross. Poor thing! I agree that if someone had knowingly let me do that I would have made sure they regretted it


  7. Zoogie2
    Dec 09, 2012 @ 16:31:59

    I give Bagheera props for coming back later in the day – if it were me, I’d have called the owners and made them come in on such a busy day. And possibly claimed worker’s comp for the therapy I’d need to get past the incident. Keep in mind that I don’t have kids yet and am unused to bodily fluids on me (although I helped raise my cousins since they were newborns, so I’ve been puked, peed and shat on).

    I don’t think I would have had the presence of mind to fling her shit in her face (love the image though Sparty Girl!!), but I probably would have started freaking out, crying, screaming and all-out humiliating the woman. That’s the only way I would have known to get her to understand the serious breech of etiquette that she committed. Shame is a great tool.


  8. beansprowtcrocodile
    Dec 19, 2012 @ 10:52:39

    I nominated you for the Liebster Award, and well deserved it is!!
    Lorna 🙂


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