Lip Locking Grandma

Back story: Drizilla quit working because she was pregnant. The rampant speculation is that the Baby Daddy isn’t her husband, but Johnny Bravo, the best friend who filled the gap because her husband shoots blanks. Sadly, Drizilla quit working, but she didn’t quit chain smoking or drinking while she was pregnant, so when the baby was born last week she weighed under 6 pounds. /back story

Last night as I left work, one of the family members, I’ll call her K for now, said she had to walk to the motel and get Drizilla’s mom’s phone. I offered to give her a ride. She said she was very annoyed with the whole “babysit grandma” adventure because grandma kept trying to kiss her on the lips. “WTF?! My own kids don’t kiss me on the lips.”

She found the phone in the room by calling it, then she quickly locked the door and got back in the van. The conversation turned from Lip Locking Grandma to the parentage of the new baby. This went on for a full 3 minutes until we got back to the bar and parked. As we were getting out, we heard a beep. She looked at the phone and uttered a horrifying sentence:

“OH MY GOD! That all went to voice mail!”

I had plausible deniability. She did not.

Thankfully, Lip Locking Grandma is one of the tech-inept because she didn’t have a pass code set up to access her voice mail. We listened to the message and alternately howled with laughter while counting our blessings. Every now and then it is nice to stumble upon a dummy.

After that scare, I decided to go back in the bar and have a drink. K went to the restroom and I checked in on the Words with Friends game I’m playing with my daughter. I was sitting in the corner, minding my own business (while smelling that a lot of people in the bar need a good scrubbing-the sense of smell is killing me) when suddenly there was a huge ass in my face, all bent over and heading towards my lap.

WTF?! I am NOT a toucher/hugger/mauler, and oh hell no if someone thinks they are going to put their dirty ass on me. I stood up and politely asked Lip Locking Grandma to not sit on me. I mean, holy shit. There wasn’t a shortage of chairs, and I don’t know this woman at all.

That wasn’t good enough. She backed me up against the bar, hugging me while puckering up to kiss me on the lips. I wigged out and she went away mad.

What is wrong with people? When someone politely asks a person to respect their space, why must some people persist and get even more aggressive in their need to paw? I view it as extremely hostile, bordering on rape. It always seems to be women who do this to me. They just aren’t happy until I lose my shit, and then they are all hurt and I’m the mean girl.

I swear the next bitch who does this is in for a surprise. I’m going to dry hump her to the floor and ride her like a saddle bronc. I’m betting everyone will get the point after that.

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7 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Brea
    Jan 25, 2013 @ 17:11:55

    AhahahahahHahaha!! That visual of you in full-on bronc-busting gear is priceless!!!

    Unless you are the bronc getting busted. 😉

    Reply

  2. Sparty Girl
    Jan 25, 2013 @ 17:40:36

    I haven’t had too much trouble with people doing that to me except while I was pregnant. Why is it that everybody feels OK about touching a pregnant woman’s stomach? Drove me nuts.

    I slapped a lot of people while I was pregnant.

    Reply

  3. Jim
    Jan 25, 2013 @ 20:13:53

    Oh, Jesus ate a can of beans! I’m laughing so hard there’s tears dripping into my beer, I also think this is the first time in my adult life I didn’t get aroused by reading “I’m going to dry hump her to the floor and ride her like a saddle bronc”. But seriously, why do people like LLG gravitate to the folks that hate it the most, like cats automatically jump in the laps of people with allergies?

    The humping will not be of a sexual nature, but more of a grind someone into submission gesture. It won’t be pretty.

    If I wore a sign around my neck reading, “I need a hug” I wouldn’t get as much unwanted touching as I do now.

    Reply

  4. DarcKnyt
    Jan 26, 2013 @ 00:18:01

    Um… ewww.

    Yeah.

    Reply

  5. SkippyMom
    Jan 26, 2013 @ 03:46:19

    Do you mean to tell us that LLG is actually NOT mentally defective or have Alzheimer’s? I thought that she had something medically wrong with her, hence the babysitting and the kissing. It doesn’t make it right, regardless, but at least it explains why a grown woman would do something like that.

    Anyone who insists on sitting on my lap is mentally defective. The babysitting was because she was getting drunker and more horney by the minute.

    Oh, just ick THAT. I don’t hit people, in fact I can count on one finger [not counting protecting myself from siblings] how many people I have hit in my life, but I can GUARANTEE YOU, the first time she tried to sit in my lap I would physically shove her into the bar/onto the floor and if she came with 6 inches of my face for a kiss I would slap her hard enough so she saw stars. And do you know if you slap someone hard enough they DO see stars? It isn’t just a cartoon affectation.

    I get in trouble for getting physically hostile with idiots in the bar who insist on pawing me, which is why I spend as little time as possible in the bar.

    And you know I just realized something – Drizella’s Mom isn’t that old is she? So unless she had early onset, she wouldn’t be old enough to have Alzheimer’s or dementia, would she?

    I’d say she’s early 50s. Just drunk and gross.

    Okay, double ick, eww and ::hurl:: I wish you luck.

    I need it.

    Reply

  6. wigsf
    Jan 26, 2013 @ 06:02:11

    Sexually aggressive seniors with homosexual tendencies are hilarious to me. Just so long as they aren’t making their sloppy advances on me. I’d like to think I could do better.

    Yeah, it’s always funny when it’s happening to someone else. I’d like to think I could do better too, but that obviously isn’t the case.

    But I have heard that chicks with no teeth give the best hummers.

    I’ve heard men with no teeth do a pretty good job too.

    Reply

  7. DarcsFalcon
    Jan 29, 2013 @ 21:53:29

    Oh ick! Double ick! What the heck, trying to sit on you?! I was dying though – “I’m going to dry hump her to the floor and ride her like a saddle bronc.” Oh my gosh, don’t forget to get video of that! Hahaha!

    I’ll be sure to post it on youtube.

    You were so lucky, too, with the voicemail thing! I can’t believe she didn’t have a password on that! LOL

    I didn’t even know you could have an account without a password. It must be one of those dummyphones.

    Reply

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