Kindergarten Duty

“Holy crap. I feel like a kindergarten teacher who has to watch the two of you constantly to keep you from eating paste.” How did I come to utter this sentence to Bagheera? Read on.

Right before Christmas Speedy brought in some hot chocolate mix someone had gifted to her. Several customers raved about how good it was and when we ran out, Bagheera asked if I could make more. I bought the ingredients in Cody on a Thursday, and before Sunday, the day I usually make things, Speedy took it upon herself to make the mix. Bagheera said it tasted “funny”.

“Did she follow the recipe?”

“No, she just dumped the different ingredients in a bowl.”

“Why do you let her do that?”

“You think I can stop her?!”

So I put some in a cup, added hot water and took a sip.


Later I learned Speedy used an entire can (a full cup) of 100% pure cocoa power with a cup of powered milk to make the mix. Oh, she also didn’t add any sugar. Why? Because she thought the cocoa was Nestle chocolate milk mix.

For those of you non-happy-homemakers out there the recipe calls for:

10 cups of powered milk
4 3/4 cups powered sugar
1 3/4 cups cocoa
1 3/4 cups powered creamer.

I planned to cut the recipe in half and have enough hot chocolate mix to last us a year. Instead, I’m still futzing around with the mess she made in order to make it useable.

We make Ranch dressing by the gallon. Since our customers (read King Triton) like it thick we usually add more mayonnaise so we end up with about a gallon and a pint from a batch. Today I noticed the small dispenser of Ranch was nearly empty (another post) and went to the back of the kitchen to fill it.

I pulled out the big dispenser and there was less than half a gallon in it. Confused, I asked Speedy, “I thought you made Ranch today.”

“I did.”

“Where’s the rest of it?”

“We like it thick.”

“Okay, but typically a packet of the power makes a gallon of dressing. Where’s the rest of it?”

“Bagheera didn’t have enough mayonnaise so I didn’t use any buttermilk. We like it thick.”

“Yes, but it’s green. Did you use the full packet of mix?”


“If you were only going to make half a batch, you should have only used half a packet of mix.”

“Why are you being so mean? We were busy.”

“No! You said you weren’t busy all day. How much mayonnaise did you use?”

“A little less than eight cups.”

“How much buttermilk did you use.”

“None. Bagheera didn’t have enough mayonnaise.”

“So you made Ranch out of mayonnaise and nothing else?”

“Why are you being so mean? At least we made it.”

For those of you who don’t make restaurant size amounts of Ranch, it’s 8 cups of mayonnaise and 8 cups of buttermilk. More mayonnaise for thicker dressing, more buttermilk for thinner dressing. That shit is so green it looks like Green Goddess dressing. Yeah, you made it, but I get to re-make it on Sunday and futz with it so it doesn’t taste like a cup of salty mayonnaise. If you can’t do it right, don’t do it at all.

A few days ago we decided we were going to have a fish & chips special with Cole slaw. I took the time to look up a recipe and buy the ingredients on my trip to Cody. I told Bagheera I would make the slaw on Sunday and we could start the special then. When I got to work tonight Speedy told my she made half the Cole slaw from her own special recipe. I hadn’t found the Ranch dressing yet, and I forgot about the hot chocolate fiasco, so told her if she had a special recipe to go ahead and make it all. Imagine my surprise when, while I was having a small cow over the Ranch dressing, I found an open can of evaporated milk in the cooler.

“What’s this?”

“Speedy used it to make the Cole slaw.”

“What?! You don’t put milk in Cole slaw.”

“Speedy did. It’s really good.”

For those of you unfamiliar with Cole slaw, the sauce contains mayonnaise, vegetable oil, white vinegar, salt, and sugar. No milk, evaporated or otherwise.

I got a fork and scooped some out of the bowl. “What the fuck?! Mayonnaise and evaporated milk? What the hell Bagheera? This tastes like ass. She didn’t put any sugar in it.”

“You said there wasn’t any sugar in Cole slaw.”

“No, I said there wasn’t any sugar in Tartar sauce. Holy crap. I feel like a kindergarten teacher who has to watch the two of you constantly to keep you from eating paste.”

Bagheera left alone in the kitchen is fine. She doesn’t attempt to make anything unless she has been properly trained and she never, ever varies from the exact recipe.  Speedy starts making stuff, forgets half the ingredients, substitutes weird shit, and decides it’s fit to eat. That’s fine when people are coming to your house for dinner. It’s not so fine when people are paying for a meal. Restaurant food should be consistent…consistently bad, or consistently good, just as long as people know what to expect when they order.

9 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Rogue Wino
    Feb 03, 2013 @ 12:49:51

    People definitely don’t go out to eat to try someone’s experiments. The eating paste comparison is hilarious, I feel like this with several of my coworkers. They are smart but they don’t use common sense at work for some reason.

    I know I don’t like to eat at experimental restaurants.


  2. Sparty Girl
    Feb 03, 2013 @ 16:33:07

    Hahahaha!!! Remind me not to eat there unless I know you’ve been the one in the kitchen all week. 🙂

    Will do.


  3. michele
    Feb 03, 2013 @ 22:17:50

    Unbelievable!! What is wrong with those people? I will not be eating there often this summer. I shall stick to the pizza. Fish and chips sounds yummy! Miss you girl!

    It’s hard to go wrong with pizza. Miss you too!


  4. wigsf
    Feb 04, 2013 @ 06:17:58

    [shakes head]

    I shake my head so much sometimes I think I have Parkinson’s.


  5. ktree
    Feb 04, 2013 @ 12:50:25

    Geez. Just reading this makes me want to bang my head against a wall.

    Welcome to my world.


  6. Missy
    Feb 04, 2013 @ 17:06:03

    At my old bar, one of our chefs decided to make some more mushroom gravy. Fine, right? But after a few customer complaints I asked what he had done to the gravy, and he told me as we didn’t have mushrooms, he thought it would be fine to substitute onions instead.

    Let me get this straight… you decided to make mushroom gravy with NO mushrooms? Great. You don’t see a slight problem with the logic here? Apparently not.

    I just told the customers we had no mushroom gravy that day, then he chucked a hissy fit when he found out about this and insisted I change the menu board to read “Today’s mushroom gravy has contains no mushrooms” rather than “No mushroom gravy, sorry”. The customers who watched this had a big laugh and the board got changed back as soon as he was safely back in the kitchen.

    I don’t understand these people.

    That’s even more messed up than my story. I can’t wrap my mind around mushroom gravy with onions instead of mushrooms. Why couldn’t it be sauteed onion gravy? Or how about just gravy?


    • Missy
      Feb 04, 2013 @ 22:13:41

      Oh, yeah, the end result wasn’t half bad really (bettter than some of the stuff you described). The problem was he decided to change it w/o telling any of the serving staff, just put it on the meals w/ mushroom gravy orders. Which lead to customers complaining (rightly so) that they didn’t get what they ordered. Then even after I talked to him he continued to tell customers we had mushroom gravy and serve them this stuff.

      You have to tell people what they are getting because there’s always that one random person who’s allergic to something and will wig out and threaten to either sue or kill you for trying to poison them. Of course cooks don’t have to deal with that so what do they care.

      He also once put cabbage on a burger when we ran out of lettuce. He thought the customer wouldn’t know the difference.

      Okay. This made me throw up in my mouth a little.

      By the time I quit, the manager had told him he was not allowed to do anything but chop vegetables unless under direct supervision. I suspect he managed to even screw that up…

      Chopping vegetables is hard…


  7. Rose in San Francisco
    Feb 04, 2013 @ 17:23:30

    Stumbled upon your blog late last week. Wanted to let you know that I’ve enjoyed every word!



  8. DarcsFalcon
    Feb 12, 2013 @ 22:23:46

    *facepalm* Why is it so hard to understand that you can’t just make willy-nilly substitutions with food in a restaurant?! The legal ramifications of this are mind boggling! Yikes, some people simply shouldn’t be allowed to prepare food.

    At least not without supervision.


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