Why is it a beautiful day, you ask? Because my shit heel, inbred, redneck, fucktard neighbours moved out. Of course, they left in the night like any good criminals, and I stood on my deck as they drove away to make sure they didn’t poison my animals, slash my tires, or sugar my gas tank, but I figured the Uhaul was some sort of a cruel joke. However, when I woke up at the crack of 2 in the afternoon and looked out my window, reality sunk in and I did a happy dance. If the world suddenly feels like it has more air it’s because everyone in my neighbourhood let out a huge sigh of relief.
I live in a mobile home subdivision about a mile and a half out of town. We have dirt roads, undrinkable water, and questionable property lines. I’ve been here for 8 years. It’s quiet. There are nine houses, seven of them occupied. Everybody minds their own business. Everybody gets along. Nobody goes out of their way to piss off the neighbourhood.
The rednecks, mom/dad/adult daughter/adult son-in-law/10 year old daughter, moved in sometime in May. First, they put up an ugly privacy fence around the lot next to the neighbours across the street from me. Then they filled that quarter acre lot with horses. Seven horses fighting, running into the fence and drawing flies. I stood on my deck and wondered who allowed this shit. Our CC&Rs forbid livestock, but since no one enforces the CC&Rs I figured I was going to have to suck it up and learn to love flies and the smell of horse shit.
About a week later they moved their house in. All of our houses sit in rows, with the short sides roughly facing east to west. This gives a break from the wind that howls all winter. These Arkansas douchebags planted their house facing north to south. I sat on my deck and hoped they enjoyed getting broadsided by the wind. Nothing like trying to fit in with the neighbourhood. The placement of their house was another violation of the CC&Rs, but, well, you know…
Then one “morning” as I drank coffee on my deck and struggled to wake up, I noticed garden hoses running from their house, across 2 lots to the lot with the horses. We had a bit of a drought this summer. I looked at my back yard that never gets watered, then I looked at their lots. Mine was brown and dead, theirs looked like Ireland. WTF?! Our water isn’t metered, we pay a flat rate of $35 per month, per lot, for domestic use. This means you can have a garden, a yard, do your laundry, wash your car, and take as many showers as you want on ONE lot. You can NOT use the water for irrigation. You can NOT pay $35 a month and use enough water for 4 lots, which is how many lots they own.
So the water district got involved. The rednecks refused to pay for water on all four lots. They burned out the well pump. No one had water. After the pump was replaced, they continued to use so much water that half of the subdivision didn’t have water. The water district threatened to shut off their water. They parked a truck over the shut off valve and chained it to a fence. The water district called for a locate on gas and electric lines across the street from their house in order to shut them off there. They took shovels and rakes and erased the locate lines. This went on for two fucking months. The water district finally got the locator and the backhoe to arrive at the same time and shut their water off. The next morning, the rednecks dug a trench and turned their water back on.
Meanwhile, everyone in the neighbourhood signed up with an attorney to file an order to have the horses removed, and we formed a home owners association. The rednecks answered this by petitioning the county commissioners to annex out of the subdivision. They also filed stalking protection orders against everyone on the water district board and four of the people on the HoA. The sheriff spent so much time out here I wondered why he didn’t move in with them. It got to the point that if anyone drove or walked by their house, they called the sheriff. Their house is on the same PUBLIC road as my house. It was the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever seen.
In September, two of my women neighbours, Theresa and Mary, approached me because they were terrified of the rednecks. Their husbands were gone a lot, the rednecks filed stalking orders on them, and they were afraid to leave their houses. They heard I was a little on the mean side and could I help them? By this time I was pissed. I HATE bullies, and that’s exactly what these assholes were. Plus, in every rebuttal against the HoA, they cited my ducks as a precedent for their horses. Stupid fuckers. Ducks aren’t livestock.
My neighbours gave me the paperwork from their stalking protection orders. It was some scary shit. The redneck bitch included her journal entries, and it read as a “who can we sue next” manuscript. It involved several different families, people with money, from the community. I immediately called everyone named in the journal and told them to sever contact with these people. I made copies of the journal and gave it to everyone concerned. They had photos and dated written documentation of Theresa & Mary’s every move. I didn’t know that if you spy on your neighbours and take pictures of them, they are stalking YOU. This is what I mean by scary shit.
(I guess I should add that Theresa and her husband are quite wealthy and Mary and her husband won half a mil on a slot machine in Deadwood a year ago.)
While reading through the “sworn” testimony I found a passage stating that I told the redneck kids Theresa’s dog had tried to bite me (never happened, never said it happened). They were using this as stalking evidence. See if you can follow their logic. Apparently Theresa’s dog tried to bite me, so we weren’t friends. But in August we became friends because Theresa was turning me against them. That’s stalking. WTF?!
Needless to say, I saw red. I was furious that they were trying to drag me into their bullshit. The next day I was outside talking to Theresa when the redneck bitches careened up the hill towards our houses. I said something to Theresa and I remember her screaming, “SHE’LL RUN OVER YOU!” as I walked out in front of the speeding car. The bitch stopped, I leaned in, got right up in her face, introduced myself, told her to make sure she spelled my name correctly when she filed a protection order against me, and proceeded to tear her a new asshole for naming me as a witness against my neighbours. She never made eye contact and stammered that she didn’t have a problem with me. You do now. Then she told me that she didn’t have a protection order against me. You should get one.
I turned around and Theresa was gone. Rabbited right back to her house. She wasn’t lying about being afraid, but of them or me I wasn’t sure.
Of course, the bitch called the sheriff on me. He graduated high school with my brother. I asked if I was going to get a protection order because I felt pretty left out. He said that yelling at someone wasn’t against the law. Yeah, I know. He told me the rednecks didn’t like me talking to Theresa. I reminded him I have the right to assemble. Uh…yes, yes you do. I told him I also have freedom of speech. Uh…yes, that’s true. Then I enlightened him on all the bullshit going on with the water district and how their actions crossed the line of criminal behaviour. Of course he knew nothing about it. I pointed out that the protection orders and his constant presence on their behalf made him seem more than a little biased, and one would think that maybe he wasn’t the best person to service our neighbourhood. Uh… He was dumbfounded because he hadn’t read the paperwork he served, and I guess he thought no one was paying attention to his visits. He obviously took the time to read it, and he took my subtle threat against his job seriously because he suddenly refered all calls to another sheriff.
So, to wrap up this very long story: the rednecks looked like asses in court for the stalking protection orders. Stalking is very clear cut. Did either of these women call you? No. Did either of these women send you harassing letters? No. Did they send you texts or emails? No. Did they hang around your place of employment? No. Did they hang out around your house? No. Cases dismissed. Assholes.
The rednecks looked like asses for the county commissioners when 15 people showed up to fight their petition to annex out of the subdivision. They were not allowed to annex out, but were allowed to combine their four lots into one. The commissioners stressed that the CC&Rs run with the land, no matter who you bought it from, no matter how many times it’s been sold. They brought up my ducks. There was a chorus of “ducks aren’t livestock” in the meeting room. The commissioners explained that the essence of CC&Rs is “don’t annoy your neighbours”. Everything is acceptable until someone complains and if the majority complains, you have a problem. Assholes.
Lucky for them they didn’t win the petition to annex out because I was leading the crusade to have them removed from our septic system and banned from our road in the event they did. You can’t be part of the “community” septic system if you’re not part of the community, and you can’t drive on the road the home owners pay to maintain if you aren’t part of the home owner’s association. Let’s see how you like walking to your house and shitting in a bucket with no water to rinse it out, which brings us to…
The rednecks looked like asses when most of the neighbourhood showed up to support the water district in shutting off their water. They adopted a “we’ll show you” attitude by filling two cisterns and running garden hoses from them to their house…until the temperature dropped to zero last week and froze their hoses. Aww…so sad. Currently, they owe the water district nearly $3,000 for multiple shut-offs and past due water bills. A lien is attached to their property. Assholes.
Honestly, in all of this I waffled on my opinion of the rednecks. My first thought was that they moved here and set all of this in motion in order to sue Mary & her husband for damages and make off with a quick hundred thousand or so. Once they realized Theresa and her husband had money, the rednecks added them to the plan. But they were so d.u.m.b. Maybe they were just stupid and misunderstood. How can they be con artists when they have a group IQ of ‘duh’?
My opinion cemented when they called the sheriff on me two days before they fled town for sitting on my deck, drinking coffee and talking on the phone while they took down the ugly privacy fence across the street. I saw their buddy sheriff go to their house. I saw them in their yard pointing at me. I saw him shake his head and drive away. Smart man. Telling me I can’t sit on my deck is one conversation he doesn’t want to have.
The final score?
Rednecks: YOU LOSE.
Crossed Arrows Home Owners: Lesson Learned.