Davey and the Cheeseburger Whore

Yesterday was a day that ended in ‘y’ (I’m beginning to think it should be ‘why?’) so it was time again to bring out the crazy:

  • Davey couldn’t come to work because he was having another meltdown and couldn’t get out of bed.  Betty Booze relayed this message to Bagheera 20 minutes before the bar was supposed to open.
  • Betty Booze came back to the restaurant, bawling and howling, because Davey kicked her out of the house and doesn’t want to be her boyfriend anymore.
  • Davey and the Cheeseburger Whore started drinking in the bar at around 2 in the afternoon.
  • The bartender who had to pull a double because of Davey’s “meltdown” wanted to stab him in the eye.
  • King Triton told the Cheeseburger Whore she was no longer welcome in the bar.
  • Davey told King Triton to “shove this job up your ass” and he ran off with the Cheeseburger Whore.
  • Literally, since neither of them have a vehicle.
  • Davey called King Triton to confirm the job was up his ass and whined, “You’ve been nothing but mean to me since I started working.”
  • Boo Fucking Hoo.
  • I got tired of looking at Speedy’s peach slop so I turned it into a delicious bread pudding.

I can’t wait to see what today brings.


Call Me the Pie Lady

Eeyore made the pies for the Outlaw for as long as I can remember.  They weren’t exactly good pies, but they were pies.  She made her own 1/2 inch thick crust, opened a can of pie filling, dumped a shit ton of booze in it, and called it a pie.  The pies were then cut up and frozen.  When someone ordered a piece of pie, they got a microwaved soggy mess of flour and pie filling.  I was embarrassed to serve it.  Since it was ugly pie and it was a pain in the ass to serve, no one ever offered dessert and the pies sat in the freezer, sometimes for more than six months.  Yummy.

When I started working at the Outlaw again, I suggested we plate a variety of pies because if people can see them, they will buy them and if they aren’t disgusting, people will buy more.  Bagheera said no, but I did it anyway and holy smokes!  We started selling pies.  Twelve pies used to last at least 6 months.  We sold 12 pies in less than a month (each pie sells for $4.29 a slice.  We get 8 slices per pie.  I’ll do the math…we sold $420 in pie in less than a month).

Since Eeyore filled the pies with all sorts of booze and since she overcharged for her time to make the pies, the profit margin on a pie was very slim.  Neither King Triton nor Bagheera were all that impressed with the pie sales.  Then came the day Bagheera had her fill of Eeyore (that’s a story for another day) and changed the locks on the bar and restaurant. 

Now that everyone was in the habit of offering dessert, we were without pies.  Speedy Gonzalez offered to make the same pies Eeyore did, but Bagheera wanted to try something new.  She hinted that she wanted me to make some unusual pies.  I like to bake, but I’m not really a pie maker.  I told her I would experiment, but I couldn’t promise anything since I don’t have tried and true pie recipes.

I am officially hooked on making pies.  Tonight I made another strawberry rhubarb, 2 coconut cream & a Shaker lemon pie.  The Shaker lemon kinda scares me, but Bagheera said to give it a try.  It consists of thinly sliced lemons, a shit ton of sugar and eggs.  I’m thinking a sweet lemon Quiche.  I’ll find out what it’s like tomorrow. 

The best thing about my pies is since they are made from ingredients we already have, the profit margin is awesome.  King Triton is going to buy a counter top refrigerated pie case so the pies will sell themselves and we can be world famous.  Or not.

Next up, lemon cream, Key lime, and orange mint cheesecake.

Who’s coming for a visit?


The Shaker lemon pie was awesome!  The only change to the recipe is I’ll zest the lemons and thin slice the fruit.  Leaving the rind on as the recipe called for made the pie chewy.  The eggs turned into a custard rather than a Quiche.

Baking Up a Storm

Last year when Michele was here I bought a refurbished washing machine and the damned thing didn’t work.  It would only agitate on the rinse cycle and it was more than a little annoying and time consuming to get a load of laundry washed.  I called the store where I bought it and they asked if I could bring it back.  It is a huge pain in the ass to get a washer out of/in to my bathroom so I asked if they could make a service call the next time they were in town.  Sure, no problem.

During the course of a year I called them about twice a month trying to set up a service call, but no one would ever answer the phone.  I left messages and a couple of times I stopped by the store and talked to the service guy’s wife.  Nothing ever happened.

When Michele got here she was pissed that I put up with a broken washer and a deadbeat business for a year.  She got on the phone and left a message that we would bring the malfunctioning washer back the next day and pick up a new one.  Huh.  We got a phone call and within a few days, a service call. 

This is pretty much what they got back after the damned thing fell down my steps.

While the guy was here I requested that he fix my oven (which I bought new from them).  The thermostat went out years ago and I never bothered to get it fixed.  I bought a little toaster oven and used that for my minimal baking.  The guy was unable to fix the washer, which resulted in me dragging the damned thing back to Cody, pissed off and crying and dragging another refurbished washer into the bathroom, pissed off, cussing, and crying.

But the oven is fixed!  I forgot how much I like baking.  I’ve baked 6 dozen of my world famous chocolate chip cookies, monkey bread, a cherry walnut pie and banana bread.  I’ve mastered focaccia bread from frozen dough.  Last night I cut up 2 huge pumpkins, boiled the flesh until soft and pureed about 2 gallons of pumpkin goo.  I made mini pumpkin breads until the cows came home.   

I reorganized my kitchen to have a baking space…a place to roll out dough, a cupboard for just my baking stuff, hooks to hold measuring cups, the rolling pin, spatulas, and mixer accessories.

They make bright yellow ones now, but I'm too cheap for that.

I scored big on three things.  I found a broken Kitchenaid stand mixer (circa 1960) in my mom’s shed and for $9.25 including shipping, I bought the part to fix it.  Then I went to a thrift store and found a food processor and a rice steamer for $2 each!  They both work and look new. 

I’m unemployed until the 15th while the restaurant gets a good cleaning and new carpet, and I’m afraid my pants aren’t going to fit if I keep baking and eating.