Kindergarten Duty

“Holy crap. I feel like a kindergarten teacher who has to watch the two of you constantly to keep you from eating paste.” How did I come to utter this sentence to Bagheera? Read on.

Right before Christmas Speedy brought in some hot chocolate mix someone had gifted to her. Several customers raved about how good it was and when we ran out, Bagheera asked if I could make more. I bought the ingredients in Cody on a Thursday, and before Sunday, the day I usually make things, Speedy took it upon herself to make the mix. Bagheera said it tasted “funny”.

“Did she follow the recipe?”

“No, she just dumped the different ingredients in a bowl.”

“Why do you let her do that?”

“You think I can stop her?!”

So I put some in a cup, added hot water and took a sip.


Later I learned Speedy used an entire can (a full cup) of 100% pure cocoa power with a cup of powered milk to make the mix. Oh, she also didn’t add any sugar. Why? Because she thought the cocoa was Nestle chocolate milk mix.

For those of you non-happy-homemakers out there the recipe calls for:

10 cups of powered milk
4 3/4 cups powered sugar
1 3/4 cups cocoa
1 3/4 cups powered creamer.

I planned to cut the recipe in half and have enough hot chocolate mix to last us a year. Instead, I’m still futzing around with the mess she made in order to make it useable.

We make Ranch dressing by the gallon. Since our customers (read King Triton) like it thick we usually add more mayonnaise so we end up with about a gallon and a pint from a batch. Today I noticed the small dispenser of Ranch was nearly empty (another post) and went to the back of the kitchen to fill it.

I pulled out the big dispenser and there was less than half a gallon in it. Confused, I asked Speedy, “I thought you made Ranch today.”

“I did.”

“Where’s the rest of it?”

“We like it thick.”

“Okay, but typically a packet of the power makes a gallon of dressing. Where’s the rest of it?”

“Bagheera didn’t have enough mayonnaise so I didn’t use any buttermilk. We like it thick.”

“Yes, but it’s green. Did you use the full packet of mix?”


“If you were only going to make half a batch, you should have only used half a packet of mix.”

“Why are you being so mean? We were busy.”

“No! You said you weren’t busy all day. How much mayonnaise did you use?”

“A little less than eight cups.”

“How much buttermilk did you use.”

“None. Bagheera didn’t have enough mayonnaise.”

“So you made Ranch out of mayonnaise and nothing else?”

“Why are you being so mean? At least we made it.”

For those of you who don’t make restaurant size amounts of Ranch, it’s 8 cups of mayonnaise and 8 cups of buttermilk. More mayonnaise for thicker dressing, more buttermilk for thinner dressing. That shit is so green it looks like Green Goddess dressing. Yeah, you made it, but I get to re-make it on Sunday and futz with it so it doesn’t taste like a cup of salty mayonnaise. If you can’t do it right, don’t do it at all.

A few days ago we decided we were going to have a fish & chips special with Cole slaw. I took the time to look up a recipe and buy the ingredients on my trip to Cody. I told Bagheera I would make the slaw on Sunday and we could start the special then. When I got to work tonight Speedy told my she made half the Cole slaw from her own special recipe. I hadn’t found the Ranch dressing yet, and I forgot about the hot chocolate fiasco, so told her if she had a special recipe to go ahead and make it all. Imagine my surprise when, while I was having a small cow over the Ranch dressing, I found an open can of evaporated milk in the cooler.

“What’s this?”

“Speedy used it to make the Cole slaw.”

“What?! You don’t put milk in Cole slaw.”

“Speedy did. It’s really good.”

For those of you unfamiliar with Cole slaw, the sauce contains mayonnaise, vegetable oil, white vinegar, salt, and sugar. No milk, evaporated or otherwise.

I got a fork and scooped some out of the bowl. “What the fuck?! Mayonnaise and evaporated milk? What the hell Bagheera? This tastes like ass. She didn’t put any sugar in it.”

“You said there wasn’t any sugar in Cole slaw.”

“No, I said there wasn’t any sugar in Tartar sauce. Holy crap. I feel like a kindergarten teacher who has to watch the two of you constantly to keep you from eating paste.”

Bagheera left alone in the kitchen is fine. She doesn’t attempt to make anything unless she has been properly trained and she never, ever varies from the exact recipe.  Speedy starts making stuff, forgets half the ingredients, substitutes weird shit, and decides it’s fit to eat. That’s fine when people are coming to your house for dinner. It’s not so fine when people are paying for a meal. Restaurant food should be consistent…consistently bad, or consistently good, just as long as people know what to expect when they order.